


Two Different Tears

by ShearedThoughts



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-02
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2017-11-09 01:16:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 47,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/449633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShearedThoughts/pseuds/ShearedThoughts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything seemed so perfect, Dave knew it couldn't last. But he certainly didn't expect for things so go as badly as they did.</p><p>Striders always fall for what they can't have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

John had to have known that the events leading up to their current activity gave his intentions away. He had told Dave he felt tipsy, but he had only had two sips of beer when he crashed onto Dave's bed and pulled Dave on top of him. Making out with John Egbert was something Dave had wanted to do for years. He was following in his brother's foolish footsteps and had fallen hopelessly in love with a man he could never have. At twenty-five, he really should have known better. Of course, Dirk Strider was thirty-seven and didn't known better. Apparently this unfortunate tenancy ran just as steadily through Strider veins as their shared appreciation of irony.

Things had been going well with Dave's best friend/crush tonight. Dave had long ago resigned to the fact that John would never share his unironically romantic feelings even though John had often ended up cuddling with Dave in ways far more intimate than straight men were generally willing to allow. This evening, a wrestling match on Dave's mattress had turned into John laying on top of him, head buried in the crook of Dave's neck while he gently stroked Dave's arms. Having John's crotch pressed against his was a worrying position to be in, but Dave liked to think he was reasonably adept at all aspects of self-control. Still, when Dirk pounded on the door to ask them if they wanted any alcohol, Dave felt a ping of relief mixed in with his disappointment. Dirk knew John didn't drink, but recently he had been on a kick of trying to prove to his not-quite-boyfriend, Jake English, how wonderful of a family man he was. It was his latest ploy to become Jake's only significant other. Aside from sort of dating Dirk, Jake also had two or three girlfriends he drifted between. This apparently wasn't supposed to be permanent, Jake often talked about wanting to find the right person to settle down with exclusively. Dirk said Jake was just wishy-washy. Dave didn't really buy this, he thought Jake was probably just a douchey player. But Dirk was determined to convince Jake that he was the right man to be his one and only special someone.

At Dirk's question, John sat up immediately, straddling his best friend's lap, and announced that he wanted some beer. Dave was suspicious, but he couldn't say no to his favorite plucky little dork wanting to try new things. He heard Dirk's good-natured chuckle on the other end of the door before his brother told the duo to meet him and Jake down in the dining room. Dave had so far been successful in keeping his impressionable friend away from the socially awkward but oddly magnetic force that was Jake English. An interaction now seemed unavoidable.

When John and Dave made their way into the Strider dining room, Jake was hunched over the table, bottle of Jack Daniels in hand, retelling an adventure of his to Dirk as Dirk set two packs of beer bottles on the table. When Jake noticed John standing across the table from him, his expression changed from one of awkward smugness to one of awe.

“I don't believe we've met. Come closer, mate. I want to see those eyes,” Jake said. Dirk choked on the beer he was drinking. Dave wasn't surprised Jake had noticed John's eyes. Jake had a thing for blue eyes. Such a huge thing, in fact, that all his girlfriends had blue eyes. Dirk had once, in a bout of moronic insecurity, purchased blue contact lenses that Dave had 'accidentally' flushed down the toilet before Dirk could wear them.

John glanced at Dave before hesitantly making his way over to Jake. “Uh, hey. I'm John,” John told Jake as he approached. When John was in front of him, Jake placed his hands on John's arms and stared up into his eyes. “Why do you want to look at my eyes? That's kind of weird.”

“Oh, golly, I suppose it is, isn't it?” Jake replied, looking embarrassed. “I'm just a rather big fan of blue eyes, and yours are possibly the most vibrant I'm ever seen.”

John laughed. “Are you drunk already? That's such a creepy thing to say.”

“Jake doesn't need to be drunk, dude acts like a creep all the fucking time,” Dave told John, sliding him a beer. “You should probably back away from him, who knows what kind of a shit a jerk with a fake British accent will pull. That's why he tries to put on that suave foreign accent, so you'll be all 'ooh fuck me, Casanova' instead of getting the drift that he'll a trigger-happy psychopath. He sees a naïve guy like you and thinks, 'jackpot, I got this cutie so under my thumb he won't know what hit him.'” Dave tended to talk fast and attempt rapid-fire jokes when he was trying to draw John's attention back to him. He knew it was probably absurdly transparent, but he couldn't stop himself. It seemed he had a constant need to be the focal point of John's life. Once when John had been asking another friend for advice on asking out a girl, Dave had quickly cut in with a laundry list of tips. Because, despite wanting to date John himself, Dave simply could not stand not being the one John was paying attention to.

An adorable, dopey smile slipped onto John's face. “Cutie?”

Sometimes Dave let things like that slip. Fortunately he had irony to cover his ass. “Hey, it was hypothetically Jake who said it, not me,” Dave said, putting his hands up defensively. “I'm just the messenger.”

Jake chuckled. “I believe this hypothetical Jake has far more charm than I do. It's terrific to meet you, John.” Jake removed one of his hands from John's arm and held it out in offer of a handshake. As John shook it, he wiggled his other arm free so he could grab his beer off the table.

“If you want to be more charming, you might want to stop grabbing people and rambling about their vibrant eye color,” John said, voice rich with amusement. He removed his hand from Jake's and shoved it in his pocket. “Anyway, it was awesome meeting you, but I think Dave and I are going to go drink these up in his room, if that's okay.”

Dave and John hadn't talked about planning to drink in Dave's room. But that didn't mean Dave wasn't extremely okay with the idea. He should have known then what John was up to. John was easy to read if you paid even the slightest bit of attention. But sometimes John's lopsided smile and fantastic ass stole Dave's focus.

“Yeah,” Dave agreed. quickly “John and I were in the middle of something, so we should probably get back to that.”

Then Dave felt like an idiot because he and John both knew that what they had been in the middle of was just some pretty intimate cuddling. The kind of cuddling that led to sex if your best friend wasn't allegedly straight. He glanced at John in hopes that his friend had picked up that his statement was supposed to have simply been an excuse. John just beamed back.

And now, as his tongue brushed against John's while John slipped his hands under Dave's shirt's and rubbed his thighs against Dave's waist, Dave understood why he had been beaming. Because John had, in fact, been wanting to continue their activities. By introducing alcohol to the mix he had clearly been attempting to assure he had plausible undeniably later. If Dave asked him if he was into guys after all, John could now reply that he was just drunk.

Knowing that, Dave should have been trying to stop this. He was likely to get his heart broken. But how could he stop, when the man he had been in love with for years was running his hands over Dave's abs and grinding his hips against Dave? He couldn't. This might be the only chance he would ever have to be with John in this way. Whether this meant that John was in the closet or simply affection starved enough to be seeking action from his best friend, John was going to brush this off as nothing later. John wouldn't have hid an attraction to men this long only to come out with no preamble.

They made out for several hours, taking a few breaks to get water or just to cuddle. Dave was a mess of emotions the entire time, his feelings of wanting to revel in a dream come true overshadowed by the knowledge of how badly this would end. Dave wanted to ask John directly what this all meant, but he had never been good at being direct. Besides, he wasn't about to let a make-out session lead to him losing his best friend just because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. So instead of asking questions, Dave let a small smile reside on his face as he stared into John's eyes during one of their cuddle breaks.

“You having fun?” Dave asked, resisting the urge to reach out and stroke John's hair.

John giggled and put his hand on Dave's neck, running his thumb along the underside of Dave's jaw. “Yeah.”

Everything seemed so perfect, Dave knew it couldn't last. But he certainly didn't expect for things so go as badly as they did.


	2. Chapter 2

When Dave awoke the following morning, he and John were cuddled together. It was Dirk's knocking on the door again that roused Dave from his sleep. Dirk didn't need to say anything for Dave to know why he was outside his door at this hour. One of Jake's girlfriends was a cook, a pretty good one if Jake was to be believed, so Dirk had taken to reading cook books in his spare time instead of just books on robotics. Jake was also a obscenely early riser, so Dirk had begun cooking elaborate breakfasts on the days that Jake slept over in an attempt to compete with Jake's cook girlfriend. It was pretty pathetic and Dave had given him a lot of heat for it, but Dirk was fully dedicated to Project: Marry Jake.

“What are you making today, Bro?” Dave called, affectionately stroking John's back as John continued to sleep.

“Waffles and bacon, so get your ass down to the dining room or you're on your own for lunch,” Dirk replied gruffly.

Dave groaned and and gently shook John. They hadn't had a sleepover together since they were in college. Yesterday had just been a result of the two of them deciding to screw being adults so they could act like teenagers again. But Dave hadn't forgotten that John was someone who appreciated breakfasts. 

When John opened his startlingly blue eyes, he smiled serenely at Dave. “Good morning, Dave,” he mumbled sleepily.

“Morning, Egbert. Bro made an epic breakfast, you want to go demolish it with me?” Dave asked, continuing to rub John's back.

“Can't he just bring it up here?” John asked before giving in to a large yawn. Dave couldn't keep himself from smiling a little. John Egbert was just so darn cute.

“Dude, do you really think Dirk Strider is going to bring us breakfast in bed?” Dave teased. “Come on, get your lazy ass up.”

“What if I have a hangover?” John whined before burying his face in Dave's chest.

Dave smirked and shook his head. “Oh, come on, Egbert. There is no way you have a hangover. That's not even physically possible.” He shook John again. “I want to eat before dinnertime and I don't want to cook. So get up, dork.”

“I definitely have a hangover, fuck you,” John muttered into Dave's chest. 

“Fine, you have a fucking hangover,” Dave replied flippantly. “Bad news, though, you still have to get up and eat breakfast.”

John groaned and gave Dave a squeeze before sitting up and rubbing his right eye. “Do you have my glasses?” John asked, his visible eye practically melting Dave with preciousness.

“They're right where you left them,” Dave said, reaching behind John to grab John's blue glasses off of the nightstand. John's eyes were vibrant enough already without his glasses bringing out the color even more. John really did have breathtaking eyes. But he still resented Jake for trying to use his stupidly effective British charm to get a man Dave had been pining after for years. Dave slid John's glasses on for John and was rewarded with a dorky, lopsided smile. Dave really wanted to kiss him. But he didn't know if he was allowed. He didn't want to screw things up.

As Dave began to lower his hands, John grabbed his wrists. He leaned his face closer to Dave's, making it so their noses were nearly touching. “You're the best,” John whispered, blue eyes searching Dave's uncovered red ones.

“You're pretty okay, yourself, Egbert,” Dave replied. There was no way John could have missed his sudden shortened breaths. Their faces were so close.

“Just pretty okay? Not a cutie?” John asked. Shit, those eyes. How could a color that bright and pure exist naturally?

Dave forced himself to focus. John had talked him into a corner. If Dave said he was a cutie, he could give too much away and ruin their friendship if John was just pulling some prankster shit on him. He might have just been trying to freak Dave out. For while when they were younger, Dave had used homophobia to mask his own insecurities about his sexual orientation. He had never directly come out to John, and suspected that John still believed him to be a homophobic straight dude. Albeit one who had made out with him last night.

But if John actually wanted to know because he was interested in Dave...

No, Dave needed to not get his hopes up. He had done it before. He had let himself get volleyed back and forth by false hints from John far too many times.

“Yeah, only pretty okay. Only hypothetical Jake would call you a cutie, derpo,” Dave told John, as much as it ached for him to say something like that to the world's cutest guy. Cutie was an understatement, frankly. “But you're basically the best fucking friend a guy could ask for.”

John let go of Dave's wrists and pulled away. He nodded. “Okay.”

Did John look disappointed? Maybe he was just upset his prank hadn't worked out because Dave was just too quick-thinking and savvy. Dave could not get his hopes up. Again.

“Hypothetical Jake is full of flattery, but you're definitely a better friend than him,” John said. He patted Dave on the shoulder. “Let's go eat.”

That stung a bit, but Dave supposed that inevitable conversation could have gone worse.

In the dining room, Jake was scarfing down a plate of bacon while Dirk watched from the stove with pride. When Jake met John's eyes, he gave him a wink.

“It's brill to see you again, bright eyes,” Jake greeted. Dave wanted to punch him in the face. This guy would flirt with a chinchilla if it had blue eyes. 

John gave him an amused grin. “I though we agreed babbling about my eyes was a little creepy.”

Jake glanced down and laughed awkwardly. “I just can't control myself around attractive people, I suppose,” Jake confessed. “You've got me quite flustered.”

John chuckled and pulled out the chair across from Jake. “You really think I'm attractive?”

“Think? John, you really expect me to believe a young man like yourself isn't reducing people to sputtering fools everywhere he goes?” Jake said before taking a long drink of orange juice. While he chugged, he kept his eyes glued on John.

John scratched his neck as the corners of his mouth twitched in embarrassed flattery. “I suppose that would explain why so many of the people I meet seem so dumb,” John joked. “And here I always thought I was smarter than most people. It turns out I'm just really good-looking.”

Jake let out a boisterous laugh. “You're quite incredible, John. You seem very clever. I'm sure you're smart as well as handsome.”

Dirk slid a plate of mangled waffles and shriveled, burnt bacon in front of John. Dave shot him a Strider glare for being a vindictive prick. 

“John's not that smart,” Dave told Jake, giving John a playful shove in the shoulder. “Among his favorite movies are such shitty classics as Ghost Busters and Con Air.”

“I love Ghost Busters and Con Air!” Jake exclaimed, nodding at John. “Those are both quality works of cinema.”

“Thank you,” John replied, smirking smugly at Dave before turning back to Jake. “It's about time someone was a voice of reason around here. How can you not cry when Nic Cage is reunited with his loving wife and daughter?”

“I bawled my eyes out,” Jake agreed. “No matter how much mangrit you boast, you simply cannot have a dry eye during that scene if you truly have a heart.”

“Okay, I'm sorry for saying you were creepy. You're totally awesome,” John said, grinning widely.

“Don't get too excited, Egbert,” Dirk cut in from the kitchen. “Jake has never met a movie he didn't like.”

“Oh, is that the sound of a Strider being a buzzkill?” John asked Jake playfully.

“Why, John, I do believe that it is,” Jake answered with a nod and a chuckle. “Although, sadly, I can't say I'm surprised. Striders are notorious buzzkills.”

“That's not even a little bit true,” Dave defended, annoyed. He hated Jake so much right now. He was hitting on John and just being generally awful. “Striders keep the party alive. Don't we, Dirk?”

“You know it, Bro,” Dirk replied, flipping a pancake. His shoulders were hunched in irritation. It was a sign of annoyance only another Strider could detect.

“If you say so,” Jake teased. “John, we should hang out with one another sometime.” Jake groped around in one of the many pockets on his khaki shorts and produced a pen and notepad. “I'll give you my number.”

No, this couldn't be happening.

“Perhaps we can go to the cinema together.”

Even if John was straight, Dave could not stand to see Jake making the moves on him.

“I also would love to take you to this Ethiopian restaurant I believe you would enjoy. You'll appreciate it more than a Strider, at least. These Texas boys only like chips and burgers.”

Dave could only watch in abject horror as John took the number and nodded. Jake had a way of charming just about anyone.

“Don't be a stranger, John.”


	3. Chapter 3

John moped for a couple of days before calling Jake. It had been hard to work up the courage to make a move on Dave, who he had begun to suspect might actually be interested in him. But of course, Dave wasn't into John in that way. He'd only made out with John because he was too cool to reject his best bro's advances. Or something. John couldn't claim to understand the mind of a Cool Guy.

John couldn't believe he was stupid enough to think he had a shot at dating Dave Strider. Dave was all about being aloof to get the bitches. John was a moron.

But now that he had confessed to himself that he was interested in men, dating someone like Jake English was a certainly a possibility. And Jake was handsome, unexpectedly charming, and had a lot in common with John. Plus he thought John was super good-looking. Which was awesome.

John had been under the impression that Jake was dating Dirk. But apparently they weren't together, since Jake had been so transparently hitting on John. The annoying boyfriend of his brother's that Dave often complained about must have been someone else.

John stared at the number he had entered into his phone for almost fifteen minutes before hitting send.

John's heart raced as he heard Jake answer his call with a “Hello, who is this?”

John cleared his throat, afraid his voice would come out hoarse. “Uh, hey Jake, this is John Egbert. I was wondering if you were still up for a movie and Indian food?”

“Oh, dear me, hello John,” came the cheery and excited response. “I'm thrilled you called. It's an honor that such a fantastic and attractive gentleman is giving me the time of day.”

John giggled, cheeks heating up. Jake sure knew how to flatter him. It was pretty nice. Dave was too cool to let too many compliments towards John slip. It was great to be flirted with.

“I don't want to disappointed you,” Jake continued, and John felt his heart sink so fast it seemed in danger of falling out of his body entirely. It turned out that this physical reaction was a complete overreaction as Jake finished the thought with, “But it was an Ethiopian restaurant, not an Indian restaurant, I was intending to treat you to.

John laughed in relief. “That's okay. I've never been to either kind of restaurant, so both sound equally exciting and exotic to me.”

Jake chuckled. “I knew I liked you, John Egbert. You are just stellar. How does tonight sound?”

“Wow, you're free on such sort notice?” John asked. Jake seemed like the type who would keep an active social life.

“I had plans with someone else, but I can cancel as I would much rather spend time getting to know you,” Jake replied. John's smile grew.

“Alright, if you say so,” John said, cheeks and ears getting even warmer. “What time?”

==>

When Jake knocked on John's door at around 6:30, John was waiting for him on the couch to make sure his dad didn't get to the door first. John didn't want to have to explain to his father why a buff and extremely tan British man was at the door and talking about taking John out to dinner and a movie. John wasn't sure yet how to tell his father about his desire to date men.

John had tried on several different outfits before arriving at the green plaid button-up top, black t-shirt and jeans combination he was presently wearing. He had also spent 20 minutes styling his hair only to hate it enough to shower so that he could start over. He wanted to prove to Jake that he was just as amazing as Jake seemed to think he was. He wondered if Jake would kiss him. Or would want to have sex with him. John took a deep breath and pushed those thoughts away as he opened the door.

Jake's eyes widened when he saw John and his gaze wandered over John's body. “You look just fantastic in green, John Egbert.”

John scratched at the back of his neck. He could tell he was blushing again. “Thanks. You ready to go?”

“Absolutely.” Jake grinned. He held out his arm for John to loop his through it. It was an odd and dorky gesture that didn't really seem to fit the situation, but John indulged him anyway. Maybe it was a European thing.

During the film, Jake took John's hand in his and tangled their fingers together. At the Ethiopian restaurant, Jake pulled out John's chair for him and recommended several dishes to John. It was weird and felt like a prom date, but John enjoyed it. Jake was endearing, if a bit strange.

“I suppose I should be honest with you,” Jake told John as they ate. They had been having a hilarious conversation about the Strider brothers, but had fallen into short silence after the subject of how lonely they must be came up. “I'm in a number of causal relationships right now.”

John looked up from his dinner, feeling a bit uneasy about this confession. “What do you mean?”

“I'm seeing several people. But not seriously, they're simply keeping me company,” Jake explained, watching John carefully. “Those relationships won't be hard to end, if we decide we want to become exclusive.”

John looked back down at his plate and chewed his lower lip thoughtfully. This was a lot to take in.

When John didn't say anything, Jake nervously asked, “How do you feel about that?”

“I don't know,” John answered. “I don't think I want to be one of many.”

There was a pause. John heard Jake sit down his fork.

“John, are you interested in dating me exclusively?” Jake asked.

“I don't know,” John whined, scratching the back of his neck wildly. “I... maybe.”

“John, you're a very special bloke. I liked you from the moment I saw you,” Jake said. “I would be a lucky bastard to be able to be in a monogamous relationship with you. If that's what you want, I would gladly end all my other relationships.”

That was a lot of pressure for a first date. John scrubbed the palms of his hands over his eyes.

“Jake, gosh, it's really too early to say,” John groaned.

“Oh, golly, John, I am so sorry,” Jake responded hastily. “I didn't want to freak you out or work you up. I'm such a fool. I'm just feeling a bit swept off my feet. I've never met anyone as good-natured and attractive as you. You're handsome and you have character. You're a gem, John Egbert, and I'm floundering a bit here.”

John sat his hands on the table and lifted his gaze back to a mortified Jake. “Jake, woah, calm down. I'm glad to hear that monogamy is on the table, but I just think we need to go on a couple more dates before I decide if I want to make us official. But, uh, I think you're pretty great too.”

Jake let out a sigh of relief and beamed at him. “I'm happy to hear my bumbling has not prevented me from getting a second date with you.”

“No way,” John said. “It would be awesome to spend more time with you.”

After dinner the pair went back to Jake's apartment, where Jake gave John a tour that ended in Jake's movie poster-covered bedroom. John had a good idea of where things were heading even before Jake told him he could take a seat on his bed. John sat down and watched Jake shrug off his jacket. When Jake joined John on the bed, he wasted no time in lip-locking John. Jake gently pushed John back onto the bed and began to trail kisses down his neck as he slid John's shirt up. It felt amazing, having Jake suck on his neck and run his fingers over John's nipples while John stroked Jake's thick biceps. But it also reminded him of how spectacularly he had failed with Dave. As he was attempting to push thoughts of his hunky best friend away, he felt his pants being unfastened.

John tightened his grip on Jake's muscular arms. “Wait,” he said. Jake lifted his head from where he had begun sucking on John's shoulder, expression confused and worried.

“What it is, John?” Jake asked in concern.

“I, uh, before we go any further I should, um, tell you that I've never. Uh,” John gulped and looked away.

“You've never what?” Jake questioned, sounding a bit panicked.

“I've never had sex,” John muttered. He let his eyes drift hesitantly back to Jake. Jake's face shifted from worry to shock.

“How?” Jake practically shouted. “You're gorgeous.”

John let out a small laugh, and smiled in embarrassment. “I don't know. It's complicated?”

Jake shook his head in disbelief. “Is this just what you tell all the men you sleep with to make them feel special?”

John snorted and used the hand he had on Jake's left arm to give him an affectionate shove. “I'm telling the truth.”

Jake nibbled on his lip and pulled away from John. “Now I feel like an ass. Do you want to have sex tonight?”

“Maybe we could, uh, make out instead?” John suggested, smiling apologetically.

A smile snapped back onto Jake's lips and he lowered his face closer to John's. “If it's with you, then I'm sure it will be ace.”


	4. Chapter 4

It dawned on John, as he was waking up in Jake's arms, that Jake might have indeed been the man that Dave had complained was leading Dirk on. He fit the bill, even if Dave's descriptions had perhaps colored Jake a bit more viciously than John had experienced him to be. Dave had never been one to explain a problem to John with much directness, but he had thrown around statements like “one of the many girlfriends of my bro's slutty boyfriend”, and “the manipulative player my bro is fucking”. From all of Dave's 'joking' comments dripping with barely-concealed contempt, John could piece together what he felt was a fairly accurate picture of Dirk's boyfriend. He was someone who maintained numerous relationships through deceit and hollow charm. The fact that Jake had been visiting with Dirk the night John had stayed over with Dave, along with the fact that Jake was dating multiple people were both certainly large chucks of evidence in favor of this theory.

John wiggled free of Jake's embrace and rolled onto his back, staring at Jake's ceiling. If this was the same man Dirk was dating, John had been played. He'd been so foolish to think a charming and handsome guy like Jake would be so specifically interested in a scrawny dork like John. John rubbed his eyes. He was such a idiot. Casting a glance over at a peacefully sleeping Jake, John wondered if there would be any big repercussions if he just snuck out. He had to get away from the embarrassment he had caused himself. He wondered if Dave would hear about this through Dirk and would look down on John for it. John groaned. Probably.

But maybe he was overreacting. Maybe this wasn't the guy that Dave had been talking about. Jake had been the one that had told John about his other relationships, so it wasn't really like John was being played. Was it?

Well, it kind of was. If Jake didn't really intend to date him and was just saying what he needed to say to keep John in his grasp, then it definitely was. John wondered if he should text Dave. Just thinking about Dave hurt his chest, he wasn't sure he could stand to face him. Still, perhaps getting some verification on Jake English would calm John's nerves some.

However, when John picked up his phone, he found that heart ached too much to even hover over Dave's name on his contacts list. He scrolled past Dave, right up to his dad's number and sent his dad a text asking him to pick him up by the department store near Jake's apartment. He then stumbled out of Jake's bed and collected his jeans and overshirt off of the floor.

As he was tugging on his jeans as quietly as possible, he took in some of the posters on Jake's wall and noticed just how eclectic his tastes were. It was almost as if he had acquired a poster for every movie he had ever seen, rather than just purchasing posters for his favorite films. Perhaps his movie preferences were just as indiscriminate as his relationship preferences.

Okay, that was uncalled for. John was internally lashing out in an attempt to dodge acknowledging how embarrassed he was about thinking that Jake was actually interested in dating him exclusively.

John stole another glance in Jake's direction as he shoved his phone in his pocket. For someone who had spent a good portion of dinner bragging about how he was made for adventure, he sure was a heavy sleeper. Didn't adventurers need to be alert and aware?

John smirked and shook his head, pondering what excuse to give his dad for not returning home last night as he crept out of Jake's bedroom.

==>

Jake swore as he came into the condom, slumping over so that he could bury his face in Dirk's back as he continued to stroke Dirk's cock. Once Dirk's climax had followed his own, Jake eased out of Dirk's ass and carefully removed the condom. As the two of them laid back on Dirk's bed, Dirk grabbed the back of Jake's neck and pulled him into a sloppy kiss. When their lips had broken apart, Dirk began to draw circles on Jake's chest with his index finger while he stared affectionately into his eyes.

“You don't usually come by looking for action in the middle of the day like this,” Dirk observed.

“Mmm, yes,” Jake replied, closing his eyes and tilting his head into Dirk's poofy yellow hair. “I just got a bit blue-balled by my date last night.”

Dirk's lips twitched, threatening a frown. He didn't like it when Jake talked about his other relationships. But he knew that was part of the deal. He and Jake were supposed to be in precisely the same relationship they had been in before they had started sleeping together. They were bros. Introducing sex to their bromance wasn't supposed to change anything. But it did. It changed everything.

Dirk had been longing for his friendship with Jake to take a turn for the romantic for a long time before Jake had decided it would be a good idea for the two of them to start having sex. Jake had told Dirk that his feelings for him were confusing and he couldn't sort them out, but he knew he wanted to remain close friends with Dirk and also that he wanted to sleep with Dirk. So they did what Jake wanted. Because Dirk knew that Jake must have been aware of how Dirk felt about him. Saying it bluntly would just be unnecessary and awkward. And what kind of a Strider would he be if he started dumping his feelings and emotions all over everyone?

“Was it Aranea?” Dirk forced himself to ask. “Did Meenah come back or something?”

“Oh, golly, no. That wouldn't happen with Aranea. And I'm as good as dumped when Meenah comes back.” Jake yawned and rubbed his stomach absently. He seemed surprisingly calm about the idea of Aranea eventually dumping him today. That was uncommon.

Dirk couldn't prevent the frown the slipped onto his face. “Did you meet someone new?”

Jake didn't open his eyes, he simply smiled serenely. “I went out on a date with that handsome little friend of Dave's. He's incredible, Dirk. We have so much in common. He's not as keen on the idea of getting into tussles for fun, but I think I can warm him up to it.”

Dirk pulled his hand away from Jake. “You really did go out with John? Dave is going to be really pissed, Jake. He hates you and pretty much worships that little dork.” Dirk let out a frustrated sigh before continuing, “And, Jake, seriously. I do not want to see you hurt Egbert. That kid is as innocent and impressionable as you were when we met. He isn't going to understand you the way your girlfriends or I do.”

“Yes, I do like how unmarred he is,” Jake said wistfully. “Although, he does have a devious side. He slipped out of my house this morning before I even woke up. I think he's decided my love of adventure means I'm up for a good game of playing-hard-to-get. He really does get me, Dirk. It's quite amazing.”

“Jake, I really appreciate your indiscriminately positive outlook on the world, you know I do,” Dirk replied. “But maybe Egbert is just hesitant about this fiasco. I'm sure Dave complains about you to him. That brat can't keep his mouth shut.”

Jake's eyes snapped open and he propped himself up on his elbows, looking down at Dirk. “Do you really believe that Dave has spoken ill of me to John? John didn't behave as if that were the case.”

Dirk shrugged. “Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Dave ranted to the littler Lalonde about it instead.”

Jake was silent for a moment. He gazed thoughtfully down at Dirk's bare chest.

“I don't want to screw this up,” Jake said at last, still looking at Dirk's chest rather than at his face. “I really fancy him, Dirk. I think he could be the one. I've been thinking about ending it with everyone, so I can be with John. I think I've been so indecisive up until now simply because I hadn't met the right person. But John. He's... I've never felt this way about anyone.”

Dirk felt like Jake had used one of his large fists to punch him in the throat. He had feared this day would come since they had started hooking up, but he hadn't expected the person Jake would fall for to be someone he knew so well. He certainly would have never guessed John Egbert to be the one capable of breaking Jake out of his flaky habits.

“You just met him,” Dirk pointed out, voice forcibly emotionless. He couldn't let Jake see how torn up he was about this development.

“Well, you've seen the movies,” Jake said, smiling nervously as he drummed his hands on the sheets. “When you meet the one, sometimes you just know. You see them and you see your entire future.”

Dirk gulped. He thought he had been working towards building a future with Jake. How could he shoot all that down after one marginally good date?

“If you're so sure he's the one, why'd you come here and fuck me after your magical date night?” Dirk questioned. He crossed his arms over his chest, heart aching.

Jake looked away from Dirk entirely, turning his head towards a table Dirk kept littered with technology in various states of repair. “I actually originally intended to come over to break this off. I kind of got a bit distracted when I saw you. But;/ you're correct, Dirk. I shouldn't hurt John. He's too innocent.”

Dirk's entire body grew cold. He tightened his arms around himself. “You're already failing pretty fucking epically at this monogamy thing,” Dirk commented gruffly. “Are you sure you can do it?”

Jake nodded, still looking at the table. “For John, I know I can."


	5. Chapter 5

After he returned home from work at the clock shop, Dave slumped down at the dinner table and grabbed an orange to toss from one hand to the other. After a few minutes, his bro's hand reached from behind him and snatched the orange out of midair.

“Don't take your angst out on our fruit. If you're not going to eat it, don't fuck it up,” Dirk said as he deposited the orange back in their fruit bowl.

“I'm not angsting,” Dave grumbled, crossing his arms and looking the opposite direction of Dirk.

“Right, sure. That's why the last five Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comics have been about their girlfriends exacting various forms of torture on them,” Dirk scoffed. “I think you're losing fans on account of your comic getting too depressing. People like Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff for it's innocent and uplifting family humor. You're kind of botching that.”

Dave drummed his fingers on his arms and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I'm just working through something, okay? Lay off.”

To Dave's surprise and annoyance, Dirk pulled on the chair next to him and took a seat.

“You know you can tell me what's up, right?” Dirk said. Dave could feel his bro's eyes searching the side of his decidedly neutral face.

“Since when do we piss our emotions down each other's throats?” Dave grumbled.

“I got dumped today,” Dirk told him, shifting his gaze to the fruit bowl they kept in the center of their table for ironic purposes. They made sure to keep the bowl nicely stocked and arranged with a variety of fresh fruit, and often acted offended if anyone asked to consume any of it's contents. Dave, however, frequently slipped fruit out of it to snack on.

“Jake was slutty prick, no loss there,” Dave replied. He turned to face his brother. He knew this was hard for Dirk, but it was for the best. Jake had been fucking him over for far too long. Dirk's face at that moment would have been difficult for most to read, but Dirk could see his brother felt just as shitty as he did. Maybe shittier. Maybe.

Dirk gulped and continued to stare at the colorful array of fruit. “Did you and Egbert have a fight or something?” he asked.

Dave took a moment to run his tongue over his teeth before lying, “We're as cool as Eskimos.”

Dirk nodded and sat his hand on the table. “Did you know he went out on a date with Jake?”

Dave immediately felt his heart sink. He had suspected it what happen, but hearing his fears confirmed was a major blow to his heart. Apparently Jake was so suave he could even get John. He wanted to run upstairs to his room and curl into a ball under his comforter. But he remained in his seat, mouth betraying him by dropping agape as he unfolded his arms. He wasn't sure he wanted to know more information. It would hurt too much. But he needed to know. “And?” he managed to croak in spite of the heavy feeling in his chest.

Dirk took a deep breath and let it out. When he spoke, his voice was bitter. “And Jake dumped me for him. I guess John slept over at Jake's place and it was absolutely fucking magical. Angels wept and stars collided and all that fucking shit.”

Dave wanted to crawl under the table, go to sleep, and never wake up. This was horrifying. Jake was not only going after John, he had slept with him. He was out of Dirk's life and into Dave's. Dave had kept his distance from John romantically for years, believing that John was completely heterosexual. But now he was getting fucked by Jake English. This was just about the worst scenario that Dave could have possibly conceived. He was beginning to think he should introduce a character named Jake English to Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. He would be manipulative and awful, and would be doomed to die over and over again in a cornucopia of grotesque and painful ways.

“Fuck him, I hope he dies,” Dave mumbled before standing up abruptly, getting a lame sort of pleasure out of the fact that his chair crashed to the ground and the knowledge that he had no intention of picking it up. Dirk could pick it up. This was all his fault anyway. If he hadn't dated that whore then Jake would have never had the chance to snatch John away from him. No wonder it had been a while since John had contacted him. He was probably totally under Jake's derpy spell now.

As Dave stalked towards the staircase, he heard Dirk mutter miserably, “I don't.”

==>

Dave was weaving an angry mix on his turntables when his phone vibrated. He kept his eyes on his work as he snatched the phone, finishing up the beat he was working on before unlocking his phone to view the text.

To his horror, it was from Jake English. The name alone made him sick to his stomach, but the message itself made his blood boil.

“You wouldnt happen to have John Egberts number would you”

Dave hurled the phone at the wall and heard the screen shatter. He cringed. He was acting like a child. He really needed to pull his shit together. Allowing Jake English to get under his skin had now cost him a perfectly good phone. He needed to be calm and collected so that he could use his Strider skills to destroy Jake.

Because Jake needed to be destroyed.

==>

John was laying on his stomach in bed, pillow tucked under his chest. He stared at Dave's contact information on his phone, trying to get over his shame and heartbreak enough to call his best friend. At the top of the list contact data was Dave's picture. John had actually tricked a tiny smile out of Dave for the photo by lying, telling him he was texting Rose to tell her that Dave was in the right on some argument they had been having. Dave had let a little triumphant smile slip – John and Jade were just about the only people who could pull that face out of him – and John snapped a picture. Dave was always a very attractive man, but his smile was magic. It filled John with warmth and made him long to kiss those cute pink lips. 

John wished he could kiss Dave again. But that would be stupid. He would just end up getting his hopes up a second time. He had spent the last several years trying to decide whether Dave was dropping hints about an interest in dating John or if he was simply being ironic when he made references to possibly being homosexual. He had finally convinced himself that Dave truly did feel the same as John about the direction their relationship should take, only to find himself brutally disillusioned.

John zoomed into the picture. Dave had dimples. It was just unfair that the world was missing out on this. Without thinking, he leaned down and planted a tiny kiss onto the spot on his phone's screen that showed one of Dave's adorable dimple. After doing so he just felt dumb. What a tacky and strange thing to do, especially to a picture of someone who was supposed to be your best friend.

There was a knock on John's door and he jumped, clutching the phone to his chest on embarrassed instinct.

“Yes?” John called, voice shaky and quick.

“Son, there's someone at the door at the door to see you,” his dad called through John's closed bedroom door. “Should I tell him now is a bad time?”

“N-no,” John replied, pushing himself onto his knees. “Tell him I'll be right out.”

Was it Dave? No, that was probably wishful thinking. Wouldn't his dad have just told him it was Dave at the door? John and Dave had been best friends for years. Dave had been over for dinner countless times and had slept over approximately once per week when they were younger. But John couldn't seem to push away the hope that it was Dave at the door. As much as he had been dreading talking to Dave after making out with him, the thought of seeing him in person actually seemed surprisingly relieving. John stuffed his phone in the pocket of his jeans and hurried downstairs.

Perhaps his dad had wanted to surprise him. Maybe Dave had known he had upset John and had brought over some kind of peace offering. Yeah. That was why his dad had withheld the identity of the visitor. Because, really, at this time of night, who else would it be?

His answer was waiting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs. Jake English was talking to John's dad's and handling one of his dad's creepy mannequins with curiosity. John sucked in air. He wanted to run back upstairs. Jake was charming and wonderful, but John was not ready to face the fact that he had snuck out of Jake's apartment that morning. After thinking about everything more throughout the course of the day, John realized he had probably overreacted. He should have at least talked to Jake about the situation before he freaked out.

John was frozen on the bottom set of stairs when Jake saw him and gave him a smile. John smiled back awkwardly. He felt so guilty. This was going to suck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a boring chapter. Sorry about that.


	6. Chapter 6

Jake's parent's had been ethnographers, which seemed to impress most people he met. It was as if knowing what his parents did made people think more highly of him. This didn't make much sense to Jake, as he had barely seen his parents when he was growing up.

During the majority of his childhood and teen years, Jake's family had lived atop a hill overlooking the jungle in which the village Jake's parents were studying was located. Because of some of the customs practiced by the villagers, Jake's parents felt it would be unsafe for him to reside in the jungle village. They would leave him along in the house for months at a time to stay in the village, which was several days away from the hilltop house they kept stocked with food and necessities for their only son.

During his time alone, Jake invested his time in movie marathons and explorations of the jungle. As a result, he developed an affection for adventure that helped to fill his void of loneliness. Still, he spent many days longing for human contact and daydreaming about adventuring with kids his own age. When his parents finally set up internet in their house Jake was 17. He was immediately sucked into the world of chatrooms and online gaming. He met Dirk Strider through the computer game Age of Empires. Dirk was an orphan and spent his time offline looking after his younger brother, Dave. The Striders were fascinating people, and Jake truly believed there should have been a movie made about their lives.

After a while, Jake began to long to date Dirk. He wished that Dirk was a girl. Not that he wasn't attracted to the male Dirk he had seen in the pictures Dirk had sent, but Jake was an action hero in the making. He was supposed to date a strong and sexy female, not a hunky, blonde male blogger. A year later, when he began to prepare for college in the United States, he started to feel as though he was in love with Dirk. He perished this foolish thought quickly. Dirk was the closest person to him, of course a lonely guy like Jake would think he was in love.

To avoid facing his feelings towards Dirk, Jake intentionally selected a college far away from Texas, where the Striders had been living at the time. Dirk and Jake kept in touch on and off over the years but never managed to be able to meet in person. Usually it was finances that got it the way. When Jake was 25, he finally found a way to meet up with Dirk. It didn't take long for all the confusing emotions Jake had felt towards Dirk as a teenager to come rushing back. Jake ended up finding a job in Dirk and Dave's town, drawn to where his childhood best friend was. 

Jake had suspected that Dirk's feelings for him had dwindled from what they had been when they were younger, and he still worried his attachment to Dirk stemmed from Dirk having been one of they only friends he's had at a time when he was almost completely alone.

Jake couldn't keep away from Dirk. As much as it damaged his adventurer credibility to admit it, Jake knew Dirk was his greatest weakness. He knew Dirk was loyal to him, but he also knew that Dirk would need to move on from him one day. Dirk had just been a name on a computer screen for years. How long would it be until that was all their relationship was reduced to that once more?

Even before Jake met Dirk in the flesh, Jake began surrounding himself with significant others to out of a fear of being alone again. Anyone he dated ran the risk of abandoning him just like his parents had done. The more people he kept in his life as romantic partners, the less likely he was to be left completely on his own. He never planned to keep this game up, he just couldn't decide which of his partners he could trust enough to stay with him. He hoped the answer would just fall into his lap some day. That he would meet the right person and would just know it was love.

And love was what he was pretty sure he had felt when he looked into John Egbert's eyes over dinner. When he had heard the man crack jokes and talk about his terrific taste in movies. When he had listened to John talk about being the internet-schooled only child of a single parent, and how lonely it had been. When John had giggled, his face filled with warmth.

When he met John Egbert, Jake English had fallen in love.

==>

To Jake's delight, John agreed to go on a walk with him to talk things over. They bid their farewells to John's dad and started their stroll through the cookie cutter houses in John's suburban neighborhood. The walked in silence until they had left John's driveway. Jake smiled down at John's tiny frame. He was so endearingly short and skinny. Jake wanted to scoop John up in his arms and cuddle him until John knew just how handsome he was.

“I'm sorry for sneaking out this morning,” John commented, breaking the silence without looking up at Jake. “I got kind of freaked out, I guess.”

“Freaked out? Why's that, John?” Jake asked, startled. Had he pushed him too far last night? Maybe they shouldn't have even made out. Perhaps it would have been better to watch a movie and cuddle.

John lifted his gaze to look into Jake's eyes, his expression about as effectively hard as an angry puppy. “Are you dating Dirk?”

That certainly was a hammer to Jake's pride. He should have broke off his causal relationships sooner. Now they were going to prevent him from winning the heart of the man he loved. How could he explain this in a way that didn't make him sound like a manipulative prick? Or a two-timer? He wasn't sure he could. Maybe he was those things. He had been trying to convince himself for years that he wasn't, but if he was going to hurt John because of it...

“I was,” Jake admitted. “He was one of my casual relationships. But I ended it with him today.”

John stopped walking and stared at him, eyes searching Jake's. “Because of me?” John asked, visibly concerned.

Jake sighed. He couldn't screw this up. He couldn't put pressure on John. He knew he shouldn't be lying to him, but he wasn't willing to lose John because John felt as though he was being cornered into a relationship.

“No,” Jake replied, turning away so he wouldn't have to lie directly into those vibrant eyes. “We've just been a bit on the downward spin for a while now. I think we're both much happier this way.”

In his peripheral, Jake noticed John nodding. “Yeah, Dave seemed to think so.”

Jake gasped and turned towards John. John had stuffed his hands into his pockets and was giving Jake a sympathetic smile. He clearly didn't believe this was a clean break.

“Dave told you Dirk and I split?” Jake asked, a bit too frantically.

John shifted his weight and eyed Jake carefully. “No, he didn't. But he thought you and Dirk weren't very good together.”

Jake nodded sadly. “Yes, John, I think that is very true.” It wasn't true. He and Dirk were terrific together. It just wasn't real love.

“Would you really be interested in dating me exclusively?” John asked. He lowered his eyes to the ground and tapped his sneaker against the sidewalk.

Jake gasped. He hadn't been expecting that after how terribly this conversation had been going. Maybe he was more charming than he thought.

“Absolutely, John Egbert. If you were interested, I would gladly date only you,” Jake assured him. John continued to stare at the ground scratching his neck for a moment before he grabbed the front of Jake's shirt and pulled him down into a soft kiss.

“I'm interested. In that,” John muttered against Jake's lips before lowering himself back to the ground. Man, this kid was fucking amazing. Jake could barely stand it. He acted like such an idiot around him. It was those eyes.

“Ace. How would you like for me to teach you how to shoot a gun?” Jake asked excitedly.

John grinned. “Sure. Sounds fun.”

==>

The shooting range was the perfect locale for Jake to use the flirting techniques he had picked up from years of watching films by himself and had honed by practicing on the numerous people he had dated. When showing John how to properly stand with the gun, Jake stood behind him, pressing their bodies together. He ran his fingers over the length of John's thin, pale arms to straighten them out before using his hands to gently mold John's finger into the correct position. He used his boots to kick John's feet apart and whispered instructions into his ear. He could hear John breathing heavily before he had even fired one shot. Even when it came to the distractingly flawless John Egbert, Jake still had it.

John missed the target by a large margin, and grumbled in embarrassment, scratching his neck. Jake planted a kiss on his cheek, patted his arm, and told him he had done just fine for a first try.

“Maybe after this we could go back to your place and watch Con Air,” John suggested as he turned back to the target. Jake smiled. He was really the luckiest bastard in the world.

==>

It had been quite a while since Sollux Captor had shown up at the Strider residence, so Dirk was instantly suspicious to find the man standing on their doorstep. The software engineer's hair was cut as awkwardly as ever, and he looked just as grouchy as Dirk remembered him to be. Dirk found Sollux to be an incredibly unpleasant person, but he knew Dave was good friends with him. Dirk personally preferred Sollux's boyfriend, Karkat. That little punk was hilarious.

“What brings you by?” Dirk asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Dave asked for my help on a project of his,” Sollux replied, his lisp still as glaringly obvious as the last time Dirk had spoken to him. “Lazy son of a bitch can't figure anything out himself.”

“I think it's more that he's lonely and needs to pretend he has friends by asking for people's help on shit he could do himself,” Dirk observed, scratching his stomach. “Look, Captor, I'm glad you're giving my bratty little bro the time of day and all, but I kind of don't want him fucking up people's shit anymore.”

Sollux crossed his arms. “Who said we were fucking anyone's shit up? Maybe he needs help on his website.”

Dirk snorted. “Yeah, Dave never asks for anyone's help on his website. You two have never had a rendezvous that didn't end in something getting destroyed.”

“Look, I'm just helping out a friend in need, DK. It's not really any of you business, so you should probably step off,” Sollux retorted. “In case you haven't noticed, your 'little bro' is now in his twenties so you can't really act like his overprotective father anymore.”

“Well then, I'm going to be the jerkass roommate telling you I don't want you in my house,” Dirk replied.

“Dude, Bro, fuck off,” Dave grumbled from behind Dirk. “Stop being a dick and let him the fuck in.”

Dirk turned around to glare at Dave, stepping out of the way to allow Sollux in in the process.

“If you're screwing with Jake, you're dead,” Dirk warned. Dave kept a neutral face and didn't reply. He simply turned to lead Sollux upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not happy with this chapter at all but it's late and I'm going to be busy tomorrow so I guess I'm just going to post it -shame-


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the small hiatus. I didn't have internet access for a little while there because I was traveling. But here's the next part! John's actions will make a bit more sense soon. ;)

“Do you want to black out his computer or his phone?” Sollux asked Dave as he typed on his laptop.

“Both,” Dave answered. He was laying on his back in his bed and staring at the ceiling. “Preferably also his life.”

Sollux stopped typing and looked up at Dave, brows knit. “Look, I don't really want you to get the impression that I give a fuck, but what sort of shit did this guy do?”

“He's just a lousy human being, okay,” Dave grumbled, wrapping his arms around himself. “Maybe he burned down an orphanage. Maybe he killed Batman's parents. Maybe he threw a nun at a puppy. Those all sound like things that are well in the realm of possibility for a douche like him.”

Sollux snickered. “So what's this fiend's name?”

“Jake English,” Dave spat. Just saying the name made him want to smash another phone.

Sollux squinted behind his red and blue framed glasses. “Isn't he DK's boyfriend?”

“Ex,” Dave answered, drumming his fingers frustratedly on his arm. He felt like punching the wall. He really didn't want to discuss Jake fucking English any longer. He was probably screwing around with John right now. What an undeserving prick. Not that Dave deserved John, but he knew for darn sure that Jake didn't.

“Oh, I see,” Sollux responded. He smirked. “How cute. Looking out for your jackass of a brother.”

“Whatever,” Dave grunted, looking at the wall next to his bed. His eyes unintentionally fell on the Ben Stiller poster that had accompanied the shades John had given him for his birthday several years ago. He gulped and forced his eyes back to the ceiling.

“Well, I can make his computer an...” Sollux paused. “Ex-computer.” He emphasized the punchline of his lame joke by deepening his voice. Dave was almost positive he had pushed his glasses up specifically so he could pull them down dramatically while saying 'ex-computer'.

“That wasn't even funny on an ironic level,” Dave informed him.

“You're a crummy mood, DV,” Sollux observed as his typing started up again.

“Less talking, more programming,” Dave replied. He ran his fingers through his hair and waited for the inevitably sassy response from his cruel companion.

It never came. Sollux simply continued to type before inquiring, “How's JN? He and KK haven't hung out in a while.”

Dave gnawed on the inside of his cheek, glaring at the white plaster above him. Sollux was doing a tremendous job of hitting all his sore spots today.

“John's fucking English,” Dave mumbled. He might as well put it out in the open. Like it fucking mattered if Sollux judged him. He could just never speak to Sollux again after this. Sollux was kind of a prick anyway.

Sollux's keyboard grew silent once more. “Won't it piss JN off if you screw with his fuckbuddy?”

Dave groaned and rubbed his eyes. This was getting extremely irritating. Usually he was the one intentionally irritating Sollux when Sollux was in his manic phase.

“Yeah, probably,” Dave replied, hands still over his eyes. “He'll probably become the mayor of Dave Sucks City and make so many positive social changes in the community that they'll erect a fucking monument in his honor. It' will read, 'John Egbert: Pissed off at Dave'.” Dave spread his hands as if displaying an imaginary headline for the monument title. “But the real question here is, how can you become the mayor of a city when you're already in the mayor's position? John has been running Dave Sucks City efficiently for a couple of days now. People are probably so impressed they're going to elect him as double mayor.”

Dave was aware he was rambling angsty nonsense but he couldn't stop. He was pissed the fuck off. He did not want to think about John and Jake right now. He just wanted to fuck Jake's shit up.

==>

Before the movie was even finished, Jake had ended up on top of John, smothering him with sloppy kisses. John had just been acting too cute for him to even focus on a quality work of cinema like Con Air. John had at first sat on the opposite end of the couch from Jake, but at various points in the film he had made excuses to move closer to his date. Before the movie was even halfway in, John had cuddled up against Jake's arm, looping his arm through Jake's and stroking Jake's bicep affectionately. His thigh had rubbed against Jake's as he jittered excitedly at his favorite parts on the movie. He said quotes right along with the characters and would smile triumphantly when Jake would cast him an impressed grin. At one point, he slid his hand down Jake's arm and threaded his fingers through Jake's, mirroring Jake's action a the movie theater the night before. It was he cutest thing imaginable. John just fit with him so perfectly.

As they made out, Jake planted a trail of kisses from John's mouth down to his neck. Between neck kisses Jake suggested relocating to his bedroom. Jake really wanted to reward John's flawlessness with a quality blow job. Jake prided himself in being as fantastic at giving head as he was at being a charming gentleman.

“But Nic Cage hasn't reunited with his family yet,” John whined, running his hands up and down Jake's back as Jake began to suck on his neck again.

“Why don't we see how perfectly you can recount the events from memory,” Jake replied after removing his lips from John's neck.

They did end up finishing the film before making their way to Jake's bedroom, despite fooling around the entire time. John managed to moan out a few important lines while having his nipples sucked on and his cock rubbed through his jeans.

Once in Jake's bedroom, they finally were able to struggle out of their clothing. Jake watched John's face and listened to him let out an unexpectedly loud moan as Jake ran his tongue over the tip of John's dick. Jake smirked to himself before carefully easing most of the cock into his mouth. He began sucking and continued to listen to John's cute little moans and breathy squeaks as he stroked the base of John's dick. After running his free hand up John's side, Jake reached down to stroke his own painfully hard cock.

As odd as the timing was, it occurred to Jake at that moment just how long it had been since he had slept with a man that wasn't Dirk. He was used to it being Dirk's cock in his mouth, his hand brushing against blonde hair as he stroked his partner's dick. Jake sucked Dirk off, Dirk would run tender hands over Jake's hair and neck. John's hands were more frenzied, grabbing fistfuls of Jake's hair and clinging to whatever chunk of Jake's skin his hands fell on as he shifted his arms around frantically. It was endearing. John was just so inexperienced. Jake wanted to kiss him on the cheek and tell him he was doing just fine, just as he had done at the shooting range.

When they had both finished, they cuddled together on Jake's bed, not bothering to clean off or redress. They talked about movies for a while, Jake enjoying the sound of John's occasional breathy post-sex giggle. Eventually, Ben Stiller movies became the topic of discussion, and in the midst of the conversation John sighed sadly and looked at the ceiling rather than at Jake. He was silent for a moment, expression thoughtful. A couple of minutes passed before he spoke.

“I guess since you were so honest with me about your causal relationships, I should be honest with you,” John began reluctantly. Jake's stomach did a somersault. “I like you Jake but, uh. Fuck, maybe I shouldn't tell you. This is why I need Dave around to tell me what's socially acceptable and what's not.” John chuckled nervously.

“Give it a shot, John,” Jake encouraged, giving John's shoulders a squeeze. Nervous curiosity was clawing at Jake's stomach. He had no idea if this was going to be a good or a bad declaration. It could have been a confession of love or an admission of being in another steady relationship. “I am in no position to judge you for whatever it is,” Jake added.

John fidgeted with his fingers, apparently unable to look Jake in the eyes. “It was really stupid for me to want to rush you into a relationship, Jake. Because, uh. I, uh. I'm not totally over the last person I liked.” John grimaced apologetically and Jake opened his mouth in surprise. What ungrateful wanker had been foolish enough to let John Egbert go? Before Jake could say anything, John continued, “I really like you, but you shouldn't have to end all your relationships if I can't get over Dave.”

“Dave Strider?” Jake asked, mortified. John cleared his throat and nodded.

“If you could avoid telling him I like him, that would be awesome,” John said. “He doesn't know, and I don't want to it to screw up our friendship.”

Why did John have to like Dave Strider? He was just a less hot, bratty version of Dirk. Jake didn't know what to say. He didn't want to date anyone but John. He didn't want John to like anyone else. Especially not a Strider. He knew how Striders were. If you liked them, it was hard not to obsess over them. To long to impress them. To want them to never stop looking at you like you were the only person on the planet. If Dave Strider had the same hold on John that Dirk had held on him, then Jake was in huge trouble.

But could Jake really blame him? Because when he really thought about it, he still had an emotional attachment to Dirk. He probably always would. Dirk had been his best friend for years, the fact that he was also hot was a distracting bonus. 

John was Dave's best friend, wasn't he? Dave had mentioned him before Jake met him. Suddenly, Jake felt sick to his stomach. If John really did feel for Dave the way that Jake felt for Dirk, than that meant that Dave was serious competition. He definitely did not want the man of his dreams pining after a Strider.

Because you don't just get over a Strider.


	8. Chapter 8

John knew he was being inconsistent. Jerking Jake around. John had just spent too long being hung up on Dave, and wondering if Dave felt the same way about him. Even with a great guy wooing him, he was having trouble getting over Dave. John also knew he was partially using Jake to distract himself from his situation with Dave, but he supposed that Jake's collection of lovers balanced that out for the time being. Jake wanted them to grow more serious as a couple as time went on, and John was sure that after he had taken time to get over Dave he would be able to invest his all into this relationship with Jake. John hoped that his confession about still being interested in Dave hadn't completely screwed up his chances with Jake. But John had given Jake permission to continue dating his girlfriends for the time being, so what did Jake have to be upset about? It was a pretty good deal, all things considered.

Still, Jake had seemed a little upset. After John had told him about Dave, Jake had seemed like he was interested in being alone. So, John had let him check his e-mails by himself while John lounged on Jake's bed, scrolling through his old text messages. His lips slid into a smile as he scrolled over a two-week-old text he had kept from Dave that simply read, “cute john” in response to something John had sent him. It stung a little to remember that the flirtatious undertone he had believed to exist in the message was either all in his head or was intended to be entirely ironic.

John glanced over to the pillow Jake had been using earlier and spotted Jake's phone: a several year old Razor. It was encased in black and decorated with green skulls. John was impressed that such an outdated piece of technology was still working. He wondered how old Jake was. He actually hadn't thought about Jake's age much at all, aside from assuming the British man was older than him. Dirk was in his late thirties, so it was likely Jake was around the same age. He was at very least old enough to not recognize the need to frequently update your cellphone.

John picked up the antique and flipped it open, simply intending to add his number with some flirty little tag like “Hot John” or “Gun Rookie”, but when he was four digits in, the phone vibrated in his hand. It was alerting him of a text message. John thought for a moment about closing out of the message without reading it, but his internal trickster wouldn't let him do that. It didn't help that the message was from Dave Strider. John was curious what his best bro had been up to. He missed Dave. It just hurt too much to face him directly. But just glancing at a text message to Jake...

In his excitement and guilty nervousness, John accidentally clicked away from the message. He finished entering his information before clicking into Jake's list of recent messages. Below the message from Dave, John noticed one from a girl named Jane that read, “Oh, gee, Jake, I sure hope you have a great life with your new boyfriend. I wasn't in love with you or anything. Ha ha! I hope you two get married and have lots of babies together.” What an awkward girl. John hoped that Jake hadn't been talking to this friend of his about marrying John. It was way, way, way too early to be thinking about that. It was nice of the girl to wish them so well, though.

On the list, the message from Dave appeared to be blank. John wondered if it was a picture. It would be nice to see Dave's handsome face. When John selected the message to open it, however, Jake's screen went black. Worried that he had someone messed up the likely fragile old phone, John frantically pressed an assortment of buttons on the keypad. After a moment, a mustard yellow symbol that resembled the roman numeral for two appeared on the screen. Was this a prank by Dave? If it was, it was a pretty elaborate one. John had to give him kudos. He waited for something to happen. Beside him, his phone vibrated.

John reached blindly for his phone, eyes still glued on the Jake's screen, waiting to see what would happen next. When John finally shifted his eyes to his own phone, he saw that the text message that he had just received was from an unknown number. The message read, “i jake english am a bloody whore”.

Weird. That was Dave's texting style.

Well, Dave if he was trying to sound British.

==>

There was a pounding on Dave's door not too long after he and Sollux had sent out the viruses to Jake's phone and e-mail. Dave wasn't remotely surprised that Dirk had come to confront him. But what was Dirk going to do? The damage had been done.

“Dave Strider, you should open this door if you would like to prevent me from smashing it down as destructively as possible,” came Dirk's deep and intimidatingly calm voice. Dave told himself he wasn't scared of Dirk when he used that voice, hoping that Sollux couldn't see his hands shaking just slightly.

“What's got your testosterone flowing so heavily today, Bro?” Dave called without getting up from his bed. It wasn't a very smart move for Dave to be feigning innocence. Dirk already knew exactly what was going on. But Dave was too angry at Jake to let worry of consequence keep him from acting cool about his flawless plan for sabotage.

“I told you not to mess with Jake, Dave,” Dirk reminded him. “Open the door.”

Dave glanced over at Sollux, and saw that his companion was popping in earbuds to remove himself as much as he could from the eminent battle of brothers.

“Why do you even care?” Dave scoffed. “That prick was a total ass to you anyway.”

“Dave, what happened between me and Jake was between us. It's not your place to deal out what you think is justice for someone else's relationship,” Dirk responded coolly. “Jake is not a whore. Really, this whole cultural concept of labeling a person who partakes in a relatively high volume of sexual activities as a whore illustrates a what close-minded stance we have on the idea of open relationships.”

“Oh my gog, Dirk, stop. Don't take up for the jackass who two-timed you, no, four-timed you, and then hung you out to dry,” Dave groaned, running a hand through his blonde hair. “You're out there getting pissed at me, someone who's looking out for you, by the way, and failing to acknowledge that you're suffering from the shittiest of Stockholm Syndrome cases. Maybe I should call a therapist for. I can see if Rose Lalonde' has free time to analyze the Freudian bullshit going on in that masochist head yours.” 

“Jake isn't a bad guy. And I'm trying to deal with this break-up in my own way, but it's a little difficult when my Bro is playing a god,” Dirk replied. “And I know you're not trying to be my knight-in-shining armor. You're upset that he's dating your best friend. Why don't you just talk to Egbert about this instead of trying to torment Jake?”

“Oh, yeah, thanks Dirk. I didn't even think about that,” Dave retorted with sarcasm. “Hey, John, you're fucking a douchebag, you should probably stop that. What? You don't want to be my friend anymore? Oh, I should just butt out? You're right John, I'm a shitty friend keep dating your prick.”

Dirk was silent for a moment. Dave wanted to feel triumphant, but he knew that was a foolish inclination. Dirk was probably a few seconds away from tackling Dave's door to splinters. Dave knew that Dirk was capable of that. Dirk may have acted calm and neutral most of the time, but Dave knew he could be a terrifying person when he was upset. He was a terrifying person to Dave in general. He had forced Dave to physically fight him periodically, starting at an early age. It was apparently so that Dave could learn to defend himself, but it made Dirk an intimidating force for him to deal with. Dirk was incredibly strong and talented at strife. Jake may have had bigger muscles, but Dave was positive that Dirk could kick Jake's ass if they ever legitimately fought. Which ordinarily would have been a pleasing thought, but right now it just underscored how deep the shit Dave had gotten himself into was.

But rather than breaking down the door, the Dirk followed his pause was followed by a question, “Is that really how you think John would react?”

“Dirk, I don't live with John. Unlike with you, if he chooses to date a scumbag it doesn't affect my day to day life,” Dave answered, folding his arms across his chest. He also cared more about what John thought of him than what Dirk thought of him. But he couldn't tell Dirk that.

“That's bullshit, Dave, and we both know it.” Dave should have known Dirk would see right through that. He was, like, the prince of looking into people's hearts. It was extremely irritating. “Do you really think that your friendship with that little nerd can't survive you disproving of the man he's seeing?”

Dirk had a good point. He and John were bros, right? The problem was, Dave knew that part of his motivation for encouraging John not to date Jake was his own desire to be John's boyfriend. Dave was afraid this would become immensely apparent when he spoke with John about Jake. That would be disastrous, considering John's choice to not contact Dave after they made out could have had as much to do with an interest in avoiding the fact that he had led Dave on as it had to do with him pouring all of his spare time into his significant other. 

There was an absurd shard of hope that jabbed into his heart, telling him that if John was willing to date Jake he might be open to the idea of dating Dave as well. But that was stupid. If John had wanted to date Dave, he would have made a move a long time ago. Dave had dropped enough hints for a person looking for them to uncover. There was no way John could had missed Dave's crush if he was even a little bit into Dave.

Dave sighed and scratched his shoulder. He knew what a manipulative bastard Dirk could be.“There's no way you're not still pissed at me, Bro. Are you just trying to get me to chitchat with John so that Jake will get dumped and come running back to you?” 

There was another pause before Dirk spoke again.

“Maybe.”


	9. Chapter 9

Sollux didn't even try to fabricate and excuse for why he had to leave the Strider house. After it seemed Dirk had left Dave alone, Sollux plucked the headphones from his ears and declared that his work was done so he was going to let the Strider brothers work their shit out themselves. There wasn't anything left for them to sort out together, though. Dave just needed time to plan the perfect way to bring up the issue to John. He had to be cool about it, but Dave also had to let John know just how much he didn't want him dating Jake English.

Dave didn't have much time to mull it over. As he sat on his bed plotting, his new phone vibrated. It was John Egbert.

Dave resented his hands for quivering as he reached down to pick up the phone. It was odd that John was following their friendship hiatus with a call rather than a text. Dave instinctively brushed his hand over his hair in order to straighten it out and adjusted his shirt. It wasn't as if John was going to see him, so these impulses were technically unnecessary, but Dave decided it was better for him to feel like he looked cool. Because he was more likely to act cool if he felt his outfit, constructed to appear coolly apathetic to fashion, was properly intact.

Dave licked his lips and held his phone up to his ear. “Yo, Egbert,” he greeted. Oh shit, maybe he shouldn't have said his name. Just a 'yo' would have sounded more aloof. Or was he being too impersonal? Perhaps he should have used John's first name. Dave clinched his fist. He was over-thinking this. He needed to just go with the flow. Strider style.

“Hey Dave,” John replied. His voice sounded nervous and hesitant. Fuck, was this a friendship break-up? It was a friendship break-up. Dave had fucked everything up.

“So what's the deal with this 'Jake English is a whore' text?” John asked. 

Dave didn't know if he should lie or just tell the truth and act like it was no big deal. He decided the latter was the appropriate cool kid move.

“I was just fucking with English,” Dave replied. He really wanted to give himself a highfive for how chill he was acting. He was the best at keeping it cool. “He's kind of a tool.”

“I don't think he's that bad,” John defended, a touch of that endearing whine in his voice. “He's a nice guy, he's just really open-minded.”

“No fucking way, you actually bought that bullshit, Egbert?” Dave forced himself to snicker, hoping it would mask any actual malice that slipped into that statement. “Jake is playing you like a royal flush in poker on the last round when you put your engagement ring and your monthly rent in the middle because you were so poor and and this is your ticket to buying a new Wii.”

“Aside from that metaphor being kind of the worst ever, I think it's pretty stupid that you assume that I'm getting played and that you haven't to tried to find a more likable side to someone you hate,” John scoffed. He didn't seem angry, though, just put-off by Dave's accusation. John rarely seemed legitimately upset with Dave. He treated almost anything that Dave would expect to be met with anger with amusement. “Maybe Dirk and Jake just didn't communicate very well, and that's why they were both unhappy with that relationship.”

 

Dave pulled his fingers into an even tighter fist. He could feel his fingernails digging into his flesh. “You really believe you know that tool better than I do? Or better than my brother does? My brother has known this dude since he was twenty-three and Jake was seven-fucking-teen. I can tell you without a shadow of a fucking doubt that he's an unrepentant scumbag. He's so unrepentantly scummy that he spits on statues of saints and pisses in holy water.”

“Wow, he's really known Dirk that long?” John replied thoughtfully. He seemed unfazed by Dave's cuts against Jake. “I thought he moved here a few years ago.”

“I also told you that he met my Bro online. Fuck, Egbert, do you ever listen?” Dave shot back. He was answering to impulsively. He going to say something stupid. He really needed to calm down and give himself some time to think. 

John chuckled. “Oh, that's right. But I wasn't calling to argue with you about Jake! I wanted to ask if you would be into hanging out tomorrow night. We haven't chilled with each other in a few days and it's getting to be a little bit stupid!”

Dave's fist loosened a bit. “You've had worse ideas. I was beginning to think you didn't like me anymore.”

“What? No way, Dave. We're best bros. I'll never get sick of you, even when you're being a complete dumbass,” John told Dave, laughter in his voice. “Things were just a little awkward because... you know.”

Dave gulped. “Yeah. I know.”

“But I guess it prevented an awkward coming out conversation on my part,” John said. Oh. So then John really was into dudes other than Jake.

“It never would have been awkward, Egbert,” Dave responded, voice firm. “Like you said, we're going to be bros no matter what. Why would I care about that?”

“Uh, I don't know. I guess I just thought you were kind of not cool with gay people?” John confessed hesitantly.

“Naw, that's pretty much the the exact opposite of the truth.” Dave drummed his fingers on the back of his iphone. “So what do you want to do, John?”

He heard John suck in air. “Huh? What do you mean?” John asked.

Dave snickered. “When we hang out, Egdope.”

“Oh, heh, yeah, that.” John let out a nervous little laugh. “Uh, I haven't been bowling in a while.”

“Bowling? Are you actually serious right now, dude?” Dave teased. “What are we going to do after that? Go to the arcade? Maybe drop by the grocery store and pick up some rental sega games and white pepsi cans because it's the nineties and then we'll try to get back to your house in time to watch Beetleborgs and play Mr. Bucket while your dad makes taco bites.”

“Aw, Dave, that all actually sounds fun. But do they even still have arcades?” John replied.

“They still have bowling alleys,” Dave reasoned. “You seriously want to go bowling?”

“Actually, Dave, I want to do all that stuff you said! Does your Bro still have a sega? I can dig up Mr. Bucket. And Beetleborgs is on Netflix,” John declared jubilantly.

“Oh, gog, you've actually checked? What the fuck, John,” Dave said in mock disgusted. “Yeah, we've still got our sega. We doing this at your house then?”

John giggled. “Yeah, duh, my dad's got to make taco bites.”

“Not sure those are still a thing, John,” Dave informed him.

“They still have bowling alleys,” John teased.

Dave smirked. “You got me there. Although taco bites might have been banned in the United States on the biases of being a terrible idea.”

“Hey, taco bites were awesome!” John whined.

“No, we thought they were awesome because we were kids and we were like, oh shit look you can turn anything into a bite-sized pouch and it's instantly the coolest thing ever,” Dave retorted. “Spinach? Gross. Spinach in a bite-sized pouch? Fuck yeah, Dad, get in the kitchen and cook me that shit while I watch Power Rangers and yo-yo.”

“Ew, spinach bites sound nasty,” John said.

“So do taco bites,” Dave maintained. “If you really think about it. Anyway, how does five-thirty sound for tomorrow?”

“It's a date!” John exclaimed “Uh, well. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah.” Dave's smirk grew into a full-fledged grin. He was glad Sollux had left. He looked like such a idiot. But he had been in a bad mood today. And now he was sitting alone in his room, flirting with with the world's cutest dork. He really was just exactly like his dumbass brother. He was a helpless idiot when it came to love. He was so glad he had fucked up Jake's shit. That motherfucker sucked. He didn't deserve to even so much as glance at Egbert's startling eyes.

Once he had finished chatting with John, Dave laid back on his bed. He glanced at the Ben Stiller poster again and ran his fingers over his shades. John was perfect. He hoped Jake was in a panic right now. Maybe Dave could just flat out tell John to not date Jake. John really did respect him.

Dave turned his head to look at his computer, and noticed Dirk standing in his doorway. Dave sat up in bed, clutching at his heart in shock.

“What the fuck, Bro? Why are you being such a fucking creep?” Dave shouted.

“How did things go with John?” Dirk asked nonchalantly.

“Get the fuck out of my room, you freak!” Dave picked up his iphone and threw it at Dirk. Dirk sidestepped it easily and the phone slammed into the far wall.

“You really need to stop throwing your phones, this is going to get expensive, Bro,” Dirk commented, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Would you rather me throw my shitty swords? Because I usually reserve those for throwing at birds,” Dave grumbled.

“I'd love to see you try to get a shitty sword lodged in my chest,” Dirk replied, tapping at his muscular chest for emphasis. Dave cringed at the realization that he might have just inadvertently challenged his brother to strife and watched his brother slip back out of his room.

When Dirk was gone, Dave sighed, rolled his eyes and laid back down. Dirk was so fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was so long in between updates this time around.


	10. Chapter 10

John was smiling down at his phone when Jake came back into his bedroom. 

“Blimey, John, do you know anything about computers?” Jake asked, sitting down on the bed next to John. “I might need your help. I think I got a virus from your friend Dave.”

John giggled and cuddled up next to Jake, sliding his arm around Jake's waist and snuggling into his chest. He was in a good mood. “How do I know you're not secretly a hacker trying to frame Dave for your own virus? I've been burned before by dating hackers, I won't let it happen again. As they say in the White House, 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... you don't get fooled twice.'” John did his best imitation of a Texas accent for the quote.

“I'm not a hacker!” Jake yelped. John smirked. “And you've dated hackers before?” Jake continued. “Should I be intimidated?”

“If you're not a quality hacker, you should be intimidated. I've dated all of the hackers. All of them,” John responded, gazing up at Jake with what he hoped was an effectively flirtatious smile. “I know every trick in the book.”

“Well, I can assure you I'm not – mmph.” Jake's statement was cut short by John, who had pushed himself up to kiss Jake. He had sure to make the kiss slow, but deep. He wanted to throw Jake off guard as much as he could. John had to make up for his inexperience somehow. When John pulled away he grinned deviously.

“I was just playing with you. I've never dated a hacker,” John said, giving Jake's shoulder a little shove. Jake still looked dazed from the kiss. “It's good to know you're so gullible. I'm going to have so much fun with you.” John giggled and Jake another kiss.

“Frick, you really are something special, John,” Jake said, wrapping his arm around John and attempting to tug him even closer. “Little Strider's missing out. Would you be interested in making out? Or perhaps going another round?”

John pushed his hand up Jake's chest. It felt so much different than Dave's. John felt bad that he wanted to touch Dave's chest again. He wanted to touch it more than he wanted to touch Jake's. Jake should have been everybody's type. He was muscular, charming and handsome with stunning green eyes and tanned skin. John was just more attached to Dave's leaner, pale, less athletic build. 

“We could, uh, do another round, Dave,” John replied shyly. He looked down, cheeks warm, not noticing his verbal slip immediately.

“Dave?” Jake asked, deep voice sounding wounded. He pulled his arm away from John.

“Oh, shit, I'm so sorry, Jake!” John responded hastily. “It was an innocent slip. Dave's my best bro. You know how it is! You say their name so much that it's just always on the tip of your tongue.”

Jake was silent for a moment before wrapping his arm back around John. “I once called a girl Dirk while we were having anal sex. It was rather embarrassing.”

John laughed nervously. “Yeah, see. Was she super ticked?” he asked.

“She baked me a cake,” Jake replied, shrugging. “So I suppose she wasn't too worked up.”

An uncomfortable silence fell between the pair. John surmised that Jake had probably been thinking about Dirk while having sex with that girl. Just like John had been thinking about Dave before he made that much less embarrassing name slip to Jake. Poor girl.

“If you don't know anything about computers, perhaps I should go call Dirk and enlist his services,” Jake commented, reaching for his phone.

John burst out laughing. He buried his face in Jake's chest, shoulders shaking as he giggled into the other man.

“What is it, John? What's so funny?” Jake asked, alarmed. When John didn't didn't answer right away, still lost in giggles, Jake shook his shoulder. “Tell me why you're laughing, John,” he begged.

John pulled his head away from Jake's chest and grinned up at him, still chuckling. “You just could not have worded that worse.”

“Worded what worse?” Jake asked. He looked baffled and concerned. “Golly, John, what did I say?”

John bit his bottom lip and gave Jake's shoulder another playful shove. “Just go call Dirk so he can service you.”

“Pardon?” Jake yelped. John chuckled and stretched up to peck a kiss on Jake's lips.

“Ha ha, you're all worked up. Look at you, you're blushing,” John teased, rubbing Jake's back.

“Explain what you're talking about! Please, “ Jake whined. His eyes were pleading as he looked down at John. “What did I say? Oh, goodness, I'm so embarrassed and I don't even know what I did.”

“Don't be, just mull it over. When you figure it out, you'll laugh too,” John assured him. He handed Jake his Droid. “Your phone's shot too, by the way. You can call Dirk on here. You sure he's not still sore about you two breaking up?”

Jake still looked upset. He gazed down at the Droid with a look resembling terror. “What happened to my phone?”

John shrugged. “Dave Strider really hates you.”

==>

“John Egbert. What are you calling about?” Dirk's deep voice was so calm and chill. Jake wished he could be that relaxed. He really envied how cool Dirk was.

“Hello, Dirk! It's actually Jake English,” Jake exclaimed. “Terrific to talk to you, as always. My phone is busted, apparently thanks to your hooligan brother.”

“Why are you calling me, Jake,” Dirk asked in a strikingly neutral tone. His question was so flat it sounded more like a statement.

“Well, mate, my computer got viciously attacked by a heinous virus, and I trust that your technological expertize will be sufficient for bringing it back to a working state,” Jake explained. “I suspect your brother's nefarious tinkering might be behind this sabotage as well.”

“Jake, we're not together anymore,” Dirk informed him, tone still frighteningly neutral.

“We're still pals!” Jake insisted. It couldn't be. Dirk could not be abandoning him after all these years.

“Look, Jake, I get that you're still acclimating to normal human society, but when you break up with someone, they typically need some time to cope with it,” Dirk told him. “So, you should probably back off me, Jane, Aranea, and anyone else you just dumped for a while. Why don't you hire someone to look at your computer?”

“How long am I supposed to go without talking to you? You're my best friend. Who else am I supposed to chat with about my boyfriend?” Jake asked frantically.

“Someone you haven't slept with,” Dirk suggested.

“But I – but – you...” Jake was exasperated. He couldn't stand this. The thought that Dirk was going to leave him. When Jake had moved to Dirk's town, he thought they were going to be buddies forever. Even fasting from their friendship sounded like a nightmare. “Really, Dirk, tell me how long this is going to be! How long do we have to got without speaking to one another?”

“Until I'm ready to talk to you again,” Dirk informed him. How did he sound so flippin' calm about this?

“What if we grow apart?” Jake shrieked. “What if we never speak again? I can't live without you, Dirk!” Yeah, he definitely should have left out that last part. It had just slipped out. He had meant it, but it sounded more pathetic than he wanted to sound right now. But maybe it was good for him to act pathetic. Maybe that would sway Dirk away from giving him the silent treatment for an undetermined amount of time.

There was a brief silence before Dirk spoke again. When he replied, his voice was lower and less neutral, “I'll never leave you, Jake. You're stuck with me in your life forever. I just need a little time. I'm guessing the girls do too.”

Jake gulped. This was terrible. As he hung up with Dirk, he slumped back in his computer chair, staring at the yellow Gemini symbol on the screen. Regardless of what Dirk had said, he had left Jake. Jake was all alone.

He jumped at a knock on his door frame and turned around to see John Egbert and his beautiful blue eyes gazing at him from the entrance to his office. He tossed John's phone onto his desk and gestured for John to come over to him. John's grin widened as he made his way over to Jake, sliding into his lap.

“Did you get everything straightened out?” John asked brightly. Jake sucked in air and wrapped his arms tightly around John, burying his face in John's neck. After a few minutes, he pulled his head up and placed his chin on John's shoulder.

“Promise you'll never leave me,” Jake muttered into John's ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crappy chapter...


	11. Chapter 11

John snorted. “Jake, what are you talking about?” Jake tightened his grasp on John.

“At least promise you'll stay over tonight and won't leave in the morning,” Jake pleaded.

John blinked in confusion and rubbed Jake's back. “Uh, sure. I take it things with your computer are pretty bad, then?”

John felt Jake shake his head against John's neck. He finally pulled his head away and looked at his computer. “I'll have to worry about this computer nonsense later.” Jake scratched his ear, eyes still on the odd yellow symbol floating eerily on the otherwise blank screen. “Are you busy tomorrow?”

“I've got work during the day and plans in the evening,” John replied, grimacing apologetically. He rubbed his neck and stared the the computer screen as well. “I can call you after I'm done hanging out with my friend.”

Jake nodded. “You're welcome to stay the night here again as well.”

John felt really uncomfortable with that idea, though he couldn't put his finger on why. Jake was acting just a bit clingy, and John was beginning to feel suffocated. It was probably irrational, John and Jake were building a relationship, after all. But John was feeling an urge to take things a little slower. Still, what reason did he have to say 'no' to Jake?

“Sure, uh, yeah I can, uh, do that with you,” John replied.

Jake tilted his head towards John, pressing their foreheads together. “Should we retire to my bedroom?”

John giggled and reached up to ruffle Jake's hair. “You make such awkward word choices. Sure you don't want me to check out your computer myself first? I'm not great with technology, but I might get lucky.”

Jake finally cracked a grin. “It's likely to be total rubbish now anyway. I believe your friend really wreaked havoc on it.”

John breathed out an almost inaudible chuckle and rubbed his forehead against Jake's. “Dave started some sick fires.”

Jake narrowed his eyes and shook his head. It occurred to John that he was probably about to say something negative about Dave. John didn't want his potential boyfriend complaining about his best friend. So, as Jake opened his mouth to answer, John pressed their lips together.

John pulled away from Jake and took advantage of his surprise. “You still up for more, uh, sex?” He asked bluntly. He really needed to to improve on his seduction skills. The way Jake's eyes widened and the manner in which his cheek muscles twitched told John he had been successful regardless.

Jake let go of John's torso so that he could slide his arms under John's legs. He stood up, scooping John up along with him. Once Jake had risen, he readjusted his hold on John. He placed an arm under John's upper thighs and slipped one behind the small of John's back so that John's ass sank into the gap between Jake's thick, solid arms.

“Are you seriously going to carry me into your room like this?”John groaned, smirking in embarrassment and burying his face in his hands. He knew he was smudging his glasses, but it was probably better than Jake seeing the scarlet coloring his pale cheeks.

“Heavens, John, why wouldn't I?” Jake asked deviously. “You were my hero tonight. You were here for me when no one else was. I need to play the part of the hero now.”

John pulled his hands away from his face, heeks still warm as he laughed at Jake's statement. “Come on, Jake. That an incredibly cheesy line. You can do better do better than that.”

As Jake walked through the doorway into his bedroom, he nuzzled his face into John's neck and placed a kiss on his throat. He moved the arm that was supporting John's back down just enough for him to squeeze John's ass. When John squeaked, Jake chuckled triumphantly.

“Was that better?” he whispered into John's neck before he lowered him onto the bed.

Jake may have been awkward, but he wasn't stupid. He had game.

Jake crawled over John, rubbing his hand over John's inner thighs and crotch as he did so. John could feel his mind clouding and his cock hardening. “What do you want to do this time?” Jake asked, pulling his hand away. John whined and arched his back, trying to regain the lost friction. Jake chuckled and lifted his hand in the air to prevent John from grinding on it.

“Last time was good,” John whimpered. In response to the further removed hand, he rolled his hips against Jake's crotch instead.

Jake leaned down and to engage John in a gentle kiss, one which John quickly fucked up by turning into into a sloppy, mindless mess.

“What if we partook in something even better?” Jake suggested, grinding against John as well.

“What we're doing right now is, uh, pretty terrific,” John pointed out. His words were growing breathy.

“It would probably be preferable without clothes,” Jake replied, sliding his hands up John's shirt. John's mind flashed to the night when he had made out with Dave, running his own hands up Dave's slender back.

“Yeah,” he moaned, lowering his hips to unfasten his pants.

==>

John practically bounded to the door when Dave arrived the following evening. Without even bothering to think first, John threw his arms around Dave. Dave didn't return the hug since his arms were occupied by a Sega Genesis and a bag overflowing with old games.

“Glad to see you too, Egbert,” Dave greeted When John pulled away and beamed at his friend, he noticed the slightest hint of a smile at the corner of Dave's lips. “We're really not bowling? You sure you're not up for throwing some balls around in public anymore? You seemed pretty fucking fired up for that yesterday.”

“Yeah, but you're the cool kid, Dave, and you were right. Bowling just isn't cool anymore. I'd rather throw some balls around in private,” John replied, reaching out his hand in an offer to help Dave carry his games or system in. Dave didn't seem to notice the hand, but his mouth opened just slightly. Was that surprise? Had he managed to catch Dave Strider off guard? Oh, this was one for the books.

“What?” John asked. He smirked as he grabbed the hand of the game bag to make his intentions more obviously.

“I really do not want to hear you talking about what you want to be doing with Jake's ugly disease-ridden British testicles,” Dave shot back. “Gross, and now I'm picturing them. They're rancid and blistered as fuck and smell like death,”

John gasped, placing his palms on his cheeks. “No, no, Dave, I meant the balls in Mr. Bucket,” He replied before laughing and shoving Dave's shoulder. “Trust me, we are not going to be talking about Jake's balls.” As if John would want to talk about his sex life with Dave. That would just be uncomfortable. Maybe someday he would be able to, but it would have to be after he was over his silly crush on his best buddy.

“Well, that's a fucking relief to hear,” Dave said, still not relinquishing the game bag. “I still think you should dump that asshole. I mean, come on. He's clearly what would happen if you took the combined horribleness of Dr. Eggman and Ganondorf and put it into the love child of Dr. Evil and some socially inept British person.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” John grumbled while tugging at the handle of the bag. “Let me help you carry something.”

“Naw, bro, I got this,” Dave said, moving his hand so that the handle slipped from John's fingers. “Let's get this blast from the past set up so we can get our Sonic on. I need some Miles Prower in my life.”

After they had set up the Sega in John's room, John pulled an old box held together by duct tape out from under his desk.

“Shit, John, is that Mr. Bucket? You can barely see the classic box art anymore. Way to trash vintage art,” Dave commented as John flipped open the top of the box.

“Hey, shut up, Dave,” John replied, grinning widely at his friend. He reached blindly into the box. “The game is still in tact. Mostly.”

“Calling Mr. Bucket a 'game' is pretty fucking generous,” Dave commented. “More like, hey, let's drop some shit into a souped up cleaning product and pretend act like we're doing something fun and slightly challenging. It's both bullshit and unintentionally overrun by innuendo.”

“That fact that you don't remember that it's a bit more complicated than that probably means I'm kick your ass. Just get over here and help me set this thing up,” John said. He smirked as he retrieved a red ball and a blue ball from the box.

Dave snorted and crawled towards John. “Are you being serious right now, Egbert? What do you even need to set up? I'm pretty sure you just flip that thing on and it's ready to blow some balls.”

John chuckled again. His ears were burning for all this pseudo-flirting that he should have known better than to let effect him. He glanced back up in time to see Dave approaching on his hands and knees. It was far hotter than it should have been. John's eyes lingered on Dave for a moment before he forced himself to tear his gaze away, instead peering into the box so that he could remove Mr. Bucket himself.

“I'm pretty relieved that you're so okay with me being into guys,” John sad. He sat the bucket on the ground. Dave reached into the box and collected the colored shovels.

“John,” Dave began, shifting the shovels in his hand. He looked up at John. “I'm not sure how you missed this, but I'm a huge, huge fucking homo. I'm gayer than my super gay bro. Because I'm pretty sure he's not, like, all gay. He's just so high on Jake's bullshit accent that he hungers for cock 24/7. As long as it's cock that's British, slutty, jungle-raised, manipulative and has no social skills. But I've eyed more cocks and dicks online than I got clocks and they got ticks.”

John's heart was threatening to hammer itself out of John's ribcage. Dave was a homosexual. Did he just not think John was hot then? Ouch.

“What do you like in a guy?” John breathed. He automatically scooted closer to Dave.

“A penis,” Dave answered. John laughed and tossed a green ball at Dave. It hit his shades, knocking one of the earpieces off his ear and causing the glasses to hang down on one side. This revealed a bright red eye. Dave's eyes always showed more emotion than the rest of his face, probably because they usually held the benefit of being obscured. Right now, his red eye looked terrified. John reached over and hooked the glasses back behind Dave's ear.

“You don't need to be ashamed of your eye color,” John told him. As he began to pull his hand away, Dave caught his wrist.

“I'm not. Not with you. You can take them off,” Dave said. Was it just John, or had Dave's breathing thickened? John took an earpiece in each hand and slid off the glasses, admiring Dave's unique eyes as he did.

“I like your eyes,” John said. Why was he staying so close to Dave's face? Those eyes were so earnest. They drifted down to John's lip's. Dave was going to kiss him. Oh, John wanted to kiss him so bad. He wanted to make out with him. He wanted to run his hands all over Dave's body. He wanted to lick Dave's deliciously pale chest.

But he couldn't. He had a thing with Jake. Shit, this sucked. Dave was making a move on him. But he had to reject it. He suspected prying his heart out with the claw of a hammer would be less painful than what he was about to do. Just as their lips were about to touch, John put his hand on Dave's chest and pushed him back lightly.

“I'm with Jake,” he whispered miserably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to [Zip](http://zipra.tumblr.com/), who [DREW SOME AMAZING FANART FOR CHAPTER 1 OF THIS FIC.](http://zipra.tumblr.com/post/27105732854/you-having-fun-dave-asked-resisting-the-urge)


	12. Chapter 12

Dave's eyes widened. He stood up hurriedly and snatched his shades from John's grasp. Without saying a word, he slipped his aviators back on and stalked quickly towards the door. Confused, John stumbled up to chase after Dave.

“Dave, where are you going?”John called. He took a step forward and tripped on Mr. Bucket. 

“How about let's never talk again. Keep the Sega,” Dave replied quickly as he entered the hallway. John gasped. He hopped over the yellow bucket and hurried out the door after Dave. Dave was already making his way down the stairs when John got out of the room.

“Dave, wait!” John shouted. “Please. I'm sorry. I just don't want to hurt Jake.”

Dave stopped on the landing and whirled around. “Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. No one should hurt Jake. He's a delicate fucking flower who has done nothing wrong.” Dave placed his hands on his chest. “I'm a scumbag that was trying to tempt you away from your prince charming. You know, I would have thought that if you valued our friendship at all you would have listened to my warnings about him.” Dave's hands flew up in surrender. “But nope, none of that meant shit because he's the first person to come along that's actually tried to catapult himself onto your dick so obviously he's a class act and your soul mate. So know what, I'm sorry. I'm the dick here. It is me.” Dave was pointing at his chest, voice livid.

John looked away, chewing his lip and frowning his brow. “No, you didn't know how things were going with Jake. You're not a dick. Please come back upstairs.”

“No, fuck that.” Dave started back down the stairs.

“Dave!” John dashed after him. What had he done? How could he possibly fix this? He wanted to do something dramatic like catch up to Dave, spin him around, and kiss him. He had been picking up some make-out tricks from Jake, after all. That man was good at kissing. But John couldn't betray Jake. Dave had the wrong idea about him. As he was rushing after his best friend, a part of Dave's angry rant replayed in his head.

“I would have thought that if you valued our friendship at all you would have listened to my warnings about him.”

Dave exaggerated his disdain about many things. There weren't a lot of people he was willing to share his true self with. But over the years on John's birthday, Dave had always put aside a bit of his aloof nature to send John a touch of bro sap in his birthday card. John knew he had never seen as much of the real Dave as Dave's cousin Rose had, but he was honored to have been shown the parts of Dave he was allowed access to.

Dave had known Jake a lot longer than John. John may have fancied himself more people savvy than Dave, but if Dave said Jake was trouble, why on earth would John, his best friend, doubt him? And plus...

“I like you, Dave,” John hollered after he flung open his front door. Dave dropped the car keys he had just pulled out of his front pocket. “I like you a lot. So, I seriously hope that kiss wasn't just an attempt to break me and Jake up.” John crossed his arms and tilted his chin up. He hadn't thought of the possibility that Dave's kiss had been done to mess with him, knowing about his crush, to break up his budding relationship with Jake. He wanted to believe that wasn't the case, but once he had said it the fear of it being true wouldn't stop weighing on him. No, Dave was his friend. John could trust him. John had to keep telling himself that.

Dave was walking towards him now. John gulped. “So Dirk still likes Jake, huh?” he called. Why had he said that? It didn't make any sense for him to say that. He shifted his weight and tapped his blue sneaker on the pavement.

“What did you say?” Dave asked. 

“I asked if Dirk still likes Jake,” John repeated.

Dave grunted. “Not that.” He stopped a foot away from John, eyes narrowed. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Dave could look pretty menacing when he wanted to. But this was the first time John could honestly say he felt shaken up by it. “You really think I would kiss you just to screw with Jake?” His voice betrayed his intimidating stance. There was a quiver of pain laced in his question.

“After I kissed you, you said you just wanted to be friends,” John croaked. He eyed Dave nervously and scratched the back of his neck.

“That's not what I said.” Dave seemed to be trying desperately to make his voice firm. “And, shit, Egbert, even if I did say that you should have been a little more critical about your interpretation of it. Like, 'Gee, I wonder if that Dave guy even says shit other than exactly what he means.' It would have taken you like two seconds to reason that shit out. How are you so naive that you didn't pick up on the big gay crush I had on you. I mean, this shit has been devouring my soul like it's a love dementor at a lonely housewife convention. It's been feasting on my innereds for years while you've been acting like a flirty teenager girl who claims she doesn't know what she's doing when tells a guy he's hot and then makes out with him all night. Like 'oops no man we're still friend, I mean, friends make out all the time that's what friends do and they cuddle and joke about getting married and look into each others eyes like it's fucking Twilight or some shit.' God dammit, Egbert, what do i have to do to make you believe me? Fist bump a rainbow flag with your name written on it in glitter 'til i got bloody knuckles and write you a sappy love note in my own blood?”

By the end of his rant, Dave's voice was so cracked that there wasn't an ounce of cool kid left in it. His shoulders had slumped and even with his eyes obscured by his Ben Stiller shades, his torn-up expression was unmistakable. John felt horrible. He felt so terrible for everything. But he had always known all this on some level, hadn't he? He had just played head games with himself because he was scared. Dave's open-mouthed frown and his slight pant in wake of his emotional confession were John's fault. John could have avoided this.

John gave Dave a pained smile. “Relax, I'm going to break up with Jake.”

==>

Jake was torn. He spent half the day excited to see the bright-eyed boy he was working up the courage to officially ask out. He had never had an exclusive dating relationship before, and it was both nerve-racking and exhilarating. The other half of the the was spent mourning the blow his friendship with Dirk had taken. Dirk had been a constant in Jake's life for so long that the blatant command from Dirk to not contact him seemed like an impossible task. Jake had fallen out of contact with Dirk before and had told himself that it might be a permanent end to their communication, but deep down he had never truly believed that. Dirk had been his first friend. He needed Dirk. He trusted Dirk more than his own family. More than anyone else. What if he couldn't trust John like that?

No. Jake was a charming, handsome man. He could make sure that John loved him. John was perfect and Jake would not be an English if he didn't strive to attain only the best. Dirk was his buddy, his partner in crime. He should have been able to understand Jake's need to have the best. Dirk probably wanted the best as well. Although, Jake had never been quite clear on who it was that Dirk harbored a real interest in. He was pretty close to a blonde-haired alcoholic named Roxy who lived in his neighborhood. Had he said he was related to her though? Maybe not closely enough for it to be weird.

Jake pushed these thoughts aside by over-thinking his evening with John. He put a white sheet on his table to imitate a fancy table cloth and set all of the candles he could find in the center of the table. He started preparing a dinner of pasta and rolls, then used a recipe Jane had given him to bake a cake. He had all the supplies, having used the, to construct a birthday cake for Meenah a few weeks earlier. Jane had given him an old box of food coloring for the project. When he opened the box while working on John's cake, he found that all that was left was part of a vile of yellow and a few drops of red. He sighed in reservation and mixed the colors together. It was as he was spreading the orange icing on the cake that he finally snapped.

Dirk could not shut him out of his life. Jake did not believe Dirk truly meant this break from their friendship to be temporary. It was absurd for them to stop being friends just because they weren't still fuck buddies. Jake snatched his car keys and the cake. He was going to pay Dirk a visit. There was no way worrying about their friendship was going to get in the way of his night with John.

==>

Dirk was playing Super Smash Bros with Roxy when the loud knock sounded at the door.

“Duck, I think you have a guestitor,” Roxy said, breaking the smash ball with Jiggypuff's tiny fist. She lran her tongue over the the pink lipstick on lips. “And you are so going down, Ike.”

“Yeah, right, like I'm leaving my post to let you wreck havoc with Puff Up. Think again, Rox,” Dirk shot back, eyes narrowed and focused as he attempted to jump out of harm's way.

“Like I need to distract you, Duke,” Roxy teased, winking as her Jigglypuff knocked Ike off the stage. There was another knock. It was louder than the first, and sounded as if the impatient visitor was using both a fist and a foot to pound on the wood.

“Fine, we can pause it. I guess I should go tell this guy to fuck off,” Dirk said, tossing his wiimote onto the carpet. “I bet it's Dave's grumpy hacker friend again. That guy is always bumming around here. At least today I get to tell him Dave's on a friend date with another man.”

Roxy giggled and held her hand up to her mouth, mock scandalized. “Oh, Dave, who would have thought?”

“I know, right? But anyway, he sucks so I'm going to tell him to move to China,” Dirk grumbled, standing up.

When Dirk had walked through the house to open the front door, he didn't find Sollux Captor. Instead, Jake English was standing before him holding an orange-frosted cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me so long to update this. What is my problem. :P haha


	13. Chapter 13

“Jake, what are you doing here?” Dirk asked, crossing his arms. Jake had orange icing smeared on his fingers and knuckles, which had Dirk strongly suspecting that there was now icing decorating his front door. The cake itself was poorly and inexpertly iced, with chunks that had been accidentally peeled off of the top layer of cake littered across the top of the dessert like sprinkles. Dirk surmised the cake itself was probably pretty shitty. Jake wasn't an awful cook, but baking wasn't his strong point. It didn't help that his cook girlfriend had stupidly told him that he was amazing and flawless at baking.

“I think we should remain friends,” Jake declared. He shoved the tragic excuse for a cake under Dirk's nose. “I baked you a cake.”

“I can see that,” Dirk replied, eying the gift, “It looks pretty terrible. I never said we can't be friends.”

Jake looked wounded at the cut on his frosted confection and lowered it, accidentally rubbing it against his knuckles again in the process. Jake was such a mess. It was pretty endearing. Usually.

“Then why are you intentionally blowing me off just because we quit bonking?” Jake demanded. His British accent made him sound so proper to Dirk, even when he was behaving like a complete child. Dirk heard Roxy saunter up behind him.

“Oh, Jakey brought a cake, why haven't you invited him in, Dirk?” Roxy asked before reaching around him to swipe a finger over the top of the cake to acquire dollop of icing. When she slipped her finger into her mouth, she made a face. “What's in this? It tastes kinda funky. No offense, Jakey.”

“Okay, first of all,” Dirk started as he held up his hand. “Jake, you should never, ever, use bonking as a euphemism for sex again. And second, think about what you're doing, Jake. You have a new boyfriend, and you're bringing a guy you just broke up with a homemade cake. We've talked about how shitty you were with Jane. It's this kind of shit that makes you an awful boyfriend.”

Roxy grimaced and backed up to slowly slink away from the uncomfortable situation.

“I just wanted to ensure the future of our friendship. We were friends for years without having sex, why can't we return to that? Is it because Roxy has nicked you to be her best friend?” Jake huffed. “I always suspected you kind of fancied her a bit. I suppose ditching me has given you more time to move in for the kill on that.”

“Yeah, Jake, Roxy and I haven gotten pretty close over the last couple of years. Because contrary to Jake doctrine, some of us do find that sex changes a relationship,” Dirk replied, shrugging. He knew he didn't sound as pissed as he was. He had never been one to get quite as worked up as his fiery baby brother. Right now, he felt more numb than angry anyway. He had refused to let this destroy him, and as a result he found himself pushing his emotions about it down. “I needed someone to talk to about us. And what I do and who I date right now is not really any of your business, because, as stated, we just broke up.”

“Why couldn't you just speak with me? I thought you told me everything,” Jake replied. His fingers curled around the edges of the cake platter, his knuckles sinking further into the dessert.

Dirk sighed and glanced inside before looking back at Jake. “I couldn't tell you everything. You had to have known I wasn't telling you everything.”

“We're buddies, I believed that we were entirely open with one another,” Jake insisted, exasperated. 

“Naw,” Dirk said, scratching his head. “Why don't you go patch things up with John? I'll call you when I'm ready. And I will call you, Jake. I will. We're still friends. I'm just licking my wounds right now.”

“What wounds?” Jake asked. Dirk let out a long sigh.

“Goodbye, Jake.” He shut the door. He needed to think. And he needed to force Jake to learn better social skills. Dirk had never been good at teaching people things directly. He knew it was one of the things Dave resented most of the way Dirk had raised him. But Jake would figure it out. He was ditzy, but he wasn't stupid. And if Dave had talked to John, it was possible that Jake would get a taste of what it had felt like to be Jane. Or Dirk. And maybe then Jake would finally see it was Dirk he really wanted. Dirk would be happy to help him along. If John was out of the picture.

==>

John took a deep breath before he knocked on Jake's door. He was not looking forward to this. He knew Jake was going to take it hard, but they had just started dating. Jake could handle it. The sooner John got this break up out of the way, the sooner he could get Dave's. John was just one awkward conversation away from being able to be with Dave. John was still reeling from the magnificent fact Dave had tried to kiss him. That Dave had liked him all along. That he could go over to Dave's right after this and seal the deal to have his hunky best friend as a boyfriend. John couldn't wait to punch Dave in the arm and wrestle him on his bed in punishment for not making a move on John sooner.

When Jake opened the door, his face lit up. He threw his arms around John, embracing him in a tight hug before pulling away so that he could press his lips against John's. John quickly tilted his head down to dodge the kiss.

“Uh.” John chewed on his lower lip. Jake was making this as difficult as possible.

“What is it, John?” Jake asked, attempting to duck hes head below John's to make eye contact. “Did I upset you somehow?”

John needed to just spit it out. It would be like removing a band-aid. That was the simile his dad had always used. “I, uh, I think we should probably break up,” John muttered.

Jake snapped upright, staring at John in disbelief. “Pardon?”

John scratched furiously at the back of his neck. He kept his eyes glued firmly on Jake's boots. “You know how I told you I wasn't over Dave?” John said. “I don't think I was really ready for a relationship with you. And I'm really sorry about that.” John smiled weakly and finally lifted his eyes to Jake's horrified face. “I'm sure your girlfriends will be happy that you have more time to spend with them?”

“John,” Jake gasped. “What did I do?”

“No, no, no, Jake.” John cleared his throat before continuing. “You're awesome. I was kind of a dumbass for dating you. I was an emotional clusterfuck when you asked me out.” John laughed awkwardly and looked back down.

“John, I am really, really fond you. I want to make this work. I'm willing to trouble through all the hardships about Dave and my past,” Jake replied.

John shook his head. “I'm sorry. I think I'm going to try to make it work with Dave.”

“You two were dating?” Jake asked.

“It was complicated,” John responded, glancing at the elevator. He really wanted to get to the Striders' house. “It's still is complicated. But you're really great, and maybe after a while we can start hanging out as friends or something.”

Dave had criticized John before for being terrible at break ups. But he felt like this was going pretty well. Jake was probably just surprised. He's forget about John as soon as one of his girlfriends came over.

“I should go now,” John continued, turning towards the elevator.

“No, wait!” Jake grabbed John's shoulder and spun him back around. The gazed down into John's eyes, face desperate. Okay, maybe it wasn't going as well as John had hoped. Jake was trying to be difficult again. “You're the most amazing gentleman I've ever met. Please give me a chance to prove to you I'm worth it.”

John was going to have to go into the rude mode dumping that Dave often dissed him for. He stared Jake right in the eyes before stating, “It's Dave I like. You're cool, but we'd be better off movie buddies. Why don't you invite one of your girlfriends over?”

“Because I dumped them all for you, John!” Jake shrieked. John gulped. Well, that was unfortunate.

“Oh, wow,” John said, grimacing. “Maybe bake them all cakes to get them back? I don't know, man.” John was extremely flattered that Jake had done that. But, he had Dave Strider to get to. “Good luck, sorry for messing things up for you.”

Jake looked crestfallen. John shrugged off his hand, gave him an apologetic smile, and began to head for the elevator. It was kind of a bummer that he had to hurt Jake. He had liked him. But he couldn't get his mind off of getting back to Dave. Getting his hands on Dave's body. Getting his tongue back in Dave's mouth.

Maybe he could do something to make it up to Jake later. Maybe he could help Jake get his girlfriends back or something. This didn't have to suck.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates lately! I just started a new job. I'll try to get some consistency going soon ha ha

John was unlocking his car when Jake came bolting out of the apartment building. He came to a stop in front of John, panting lighting as he rolled his shoulders back in confidence.

“You were happy when we were together,” Jake declared. “We both know that you and I work well as a pair, so why are you running off to chance it with someone else?”

John turned around, rolling his eyes and smirking. “Jake, are you serious? We weren't even dating that long.” John shook his head and patted Jake on the arm. “Let's not blow things out of proportion here.”

“John, where are you even rushing yourself off to? At least give me the time of day to talk this over properly with you,” Jake insisted. He cupped John's face in his hands. John's eyes widened. He laughed, in disbelief of the bizarre situation.

“I'm going to see Dave. What's there to talk about?” John asked, slipping his head out of Jake's hands and taking a couple of steps backward to lean against his car.

“If you're going to the Strider household, I'd like to accompany you,” Jake announced, stepping forward to invade John's person space once more. “We're going to face this problem head on.”

John placed his hand on his forehead and let out a small, quiet laugh. The situation was just so absurd. “Jake, we did face this head on. This is ridiculous. Dave was right, you're kind of crazy.”

Jake balled up his large hands into fists. John flinched instinctively. “Now I must speak to that barmy twit!”

John gulped and crossed his arms. He straightened his back in hopes of looking intimidating, although he suspected this was unsuccessful given how terrified the fighting stance Jake was taking had made him.

“You're not going with me, Jake. I need to talk to Dave alone,” John maintained.

Jake finally too a step back. His face softened a bit. “Fine, go fuck him,” Jake muttered. “You should be aware, though, that Dirk has told me Dave dedicates his free time to almost exclusively to viewing pornography.”

John snorted. “So does Dirk.”

==>

Jake buried his face in his pillow. His heart ached, painfully fussing for affection in his chest like an impatient princess demanding Jake hunt down her prince. Jake was an adventurer, he was all about helping princesses. But he was apparently losing his edge for the leading man in life. A punky, freckly, blonde-haired brat had stolen the man of his dreams right out from under his nose. He had been powerless to stop it. He'd lost his best friend, the most important person in the world to him. He slid his hands onto the sheets beside him, curling his fingers as he pushed himself up, snarling. He grabbed his pillow and pelted it at the wall. He needed to go to the shooting range. That would make him feel better. Usually when he felt this devastated and lonely, he'd find a person who wanted to spend the night with him. He thought briefly about about calling Jane, as she was usually up for anything he needed. But he wasn't sure he was willing to risk being rejected another time. He also wasn't even sure he was even in the mood for that.

It seemed obvious to him now that Dirk was screwing around with Roxy. They were probably even in love. He wondered if Dirk would try to make Jake suffer through their wedding if they did actually commence their friendship. Dirk would probably go along with Roxy wanting to decorate so that dreadfully obnoxious pink ended up festooned upon everything. 

Strangely, that thought caused Jake to feel a spark of affection. Dirk's love of irony was charming. Jake didn't really understand it, but he adored it about his friend. 

His friend who had chosen to speak with Roxy about his problems rather than Jake.

He missed the days when he and Dirk had chatted online for hours about anything and everything. He had come to believe that Dirk trusted him more than anyone else. Dirk was a tough, guarded person, but he let his guard down for Jake. Jake had relished in the knowledge that he had taken a place in Dirk's heart that no one else would ever be able to fill. But now...

Jake scrambled off of the bed. He really needed to shoot something. He snatched his car keys off of his dresser and stormed towards the door. He didn't want to think about Dirk. He didn't want to think about John. John and those beautiful blue eyes. Those blue eyes that had shown with laughter while revealing to Jake that he was just meant to be alone. Jake had been a fool to believe what Dirk had once told him about his awkwardness. Dirk had been so sure that even if Jake was always a bit off-putting due to his limited human interaction growing up, he could always compensate by being his lovable, charming, dorky self. Dirk had so much faith in him. Well, at least he had used to.

When he got in his car he considered just skipping town entirely. Driving off to a new town where no one would know him and he would have a chance of building a new network of friends. But had he ever had a network of friends? Had he ever had a family? He'd always just had a few people around who made him feel good, and Dirk to escape to when those people stopped making him happy. Dirk had always been there.

While pulling out of his parking space, it occurred to Jake that Dave might have been behind the Dirk situation as much as he had been behind stealing John. Jake was far more charming and attractive than Dave Strider. The only possible reason that John would pick Dave over Jake was because Dave was being his petty, bratty self and pulling strings to get what he wanted. Dirk was a puppet master when it came to people. Jake had always thought Dave lacked the subtly to pull off controlling situations the way his older brother did. But Jake was apparently not as good at reading Striders as he had thought he was.

Jake almost ran a red light, stomping on the breaks quickly at the last minute and jolting his body forward. If he turned right on the next intersection, he could drive to the Striders' house. He could face Dave. But he would also have to face Dirk. Who was spending time with his new girlfriend. It was sickening, how they were rubbing their relationship in everyone's faces. Especially Jake's, Dirk's recent ex, of all people. That was just tactless.

Jake had really needed John tonight. John and his perfect eyes. John and his adorable, scrawny frame. John and his, frankly, perfect ass. It was kind of a surprise to Jake that Dirk hadn't tried to swoop John up himself with an ass like that. 

Jake wanted to cuddle up next to John and tell him all his problems, so that John could tell him how terrible Dirk was for ditching Jake for Roxy. John would probably agree that Dirk could do better than Roxy. And then John would have probably told Jake he was he best and that John was glad to be his boyfriend. Which of course John would have agreed to have been earlier. That's how it would have went, were it not for Dave Strider. 

Dirk was a jerk for getting together with Roxy while he and Jake were together and not even telling Jake. So, Jake decided he should forget Dirk and storm into the Strider house to fight Dave for John. John would probably appreciate a man who could win in a tussle.

Jake went straight rather than turning right. He needed some target practice first.

==>

John knocked on the front door of the Strider house, ecstatic. He noticed that some kind of orange-ish cream had been smeared on the door. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what it was. Dirk was always up to sketchy projects. Dave had told John that when he was younger, Dirk hadn't even kept food in the kitchen, stocking the refrigerator and cabinets instead with dangerous weapons and firecrackers. Hearing Dave tell stories of his childhood left John often wondering why Child Protective services had allowed Dirk to continue to act as Dave's guardian over the years.

It was Dirk who opened the door. His eyebrows rose when he saw John.

“Are you here to preach the good news of the friendzone to my poor, unsuspecting baby brother?” Dirk asked. “Is Jake hiding in the bushes somewhere with a mic telling you via headset exactly what to say to make him feel like shit?”

“Friendzone?” John snorted. “I'm here to make out with him.” He figured that Dirk Strider could appreciate that level of bluntness.

“Then why'd he come into the house earlier acting like he was having a fucking panic attack?” Dirk asked. He leaned on the door frame and crossed his arms as if signifying just how much he was in the business of cock blocking John. “I think you alone are going to be responsible for about half of that little jerk's gray hairs.”

“His hair is already practically white, so I think that it is you who should be getting the blame for stressing him out. You are the reason. It is you,” John replied as he pushed himself up onto his tiptoes in an attempt to look over Dirk's shoulder. “Can I please go talk to him?”

“He's in his room, probably throwing every phone-shaped object he can dig up at the wall,” Dirk informed him. He still didn't move, expression impassive. “What did you say to him to get his panties in such a twist?”

“I told him I was going to break up with Jake,” John said. Something vaguely resembling emotion flashed over Dirk's face before he regained his chill, impenetrable demeanor. “I did it so, uh, I could date him?” John continued, thrown a bit off-guard by Dirk's flicker of a reaction.

“You really did break up with Jake?” Dirk asked.

“I guess. There wasn't really much to end,” John said, shrugging. He didn't really care about Dirk's crush on a clingy disaster of a human being right now. “Can I go in to see Dave? If he is worked up I can probably calm him down.”

“You just want to make out with him?” There was an edge to Dirk's voice this time.

“Uh, I mean. I was probably going to ask him to go out with me too,” John said, sliding his hands into his pockets.

Dirk straightened and stepped aside to let John shuffle in. John grinned widely at him as he walked by Dirk.

“How's Jake doing?” Dirk called after John as John hurried down the hallway towards the staircase.

“He's crazy,” John replied quickly while tripping over the bottom stair step in an attempt to scramble up to Dave's room as quickly as possible.

He laughed to himself. Dave had warned him about stairs.


	15. Chapter 15

John Egbert looked ecstatic when Dave opened his door. Dave had been pacing in his room, trying in vain not to fret about this moment. Whatever John said next, it was going to change everything.

“That was fast,” Dave observed, hoping none of his panic was showing through for John to see. John had never stated that dumping Jake would lead to dating Dave. It seemed implied in what John had said, but Dave knew better than to assume John was easy to understand. He wasn't going to be taken for a fool again. His heart couldn't take it. He needed to know what was going on. 

So he asked, “Did you actually break up with Jake, or were you like fuck that I'm going to keep fucking him, I mean who cares that he's probably a breeding ground for new STDs and a health teacher's dream cautionary tale. Mr. Adams – that's the hypothetical health teacher – would be like, look at this guy he's screwed so many people that his STDs have STDs that are teen pregnant with more STDs. Those teen STD moms are going to have to go on food stamps and it's going to be a whole debacle that could have been avoided had Jake English not been a whore.” He realized he was slipping into his babbling mode out of terror of what John would say. He forced his mouth to snap shut, waiting for an amused-looking John to respond.

“Dave, shut up,” John whined, shaking his head and giggling. “Jake has been dumped. And I guess I have to admit that you were kind of right about him being a bit on the crazy side.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Dave muttered.

John's smile faded a bit, expression growing more serious. “In case I forgot to say so before... thanks for warning me about that.”

Dave could have melted. It was such a rarity for John to actually acknowledge any of the many ways in which Dave bent over backwards to make sure John's life was the highest quality possible. He gulped, gazing down at the precious face through his shades. “Yeah.”

John's grin snapped easily back into place, and he took a bold step forward, standing toe-to-toe with Dave, the tips of his blue Pumas touching the front of Dave's red Converse. “So,” John began, eyes sparkling with mischief. He smirked deviously up at Dave, sliding his hands onto Dave's waist. “Should we start where we left off at my house?”

Dave gulped again. He draped his hands over John's shoulder's, lowering his head just enough to brush his nose against John's. He wanted to do that. He wanted to got back to that moment when they had been setting up Mr. Bucket together. He closed his eyes. “We've said a lot of shit since then.” Dave realized that made him sound needy and like he was fishing for a relationship discussion. He had to save face. “You sure you're okay with just leaving things where we left them? Like, I'm cool with whatever but I don't want to freak you out, I mean, apparently you're into relationships and all that shit so, I don't know, maybe that's something you like to think through.” Dave added. Maybe that was too vehement of denial of an interest in dating John. At least John already knew how Dave felt. Dave was already fingering John's hair. He was pathetic. He probably wouldn't be able to back off even if John didn't want to have the conversation that Dave's already damaged heart was longing to have.

John snorted. Dave felt John's warm breath on his face as John opened his mouth to speak. “Dave?” John asked. Dave didn't open his eyes.

“Mhm?” Dave replied.

“Wanna be my stupid gay boyfriend?” John asked. Dave's eyes snapped open. He pulled his face away to gape at John. He allowed a tiny smile to slip onto his lips before answering.

“Heck yes.” Dave leaned down once more, this time engaging John in a long, slow kiss. Once their lips had separated, Dave slid his hands down John's arms and laid his head on John's shoulder. It was awkward, given that John was shorter than him, but Dave thoroughly did not care. “My bro's probably creeping around here somewhere, we should probably ditch the hallway.”

He felt John nod, so he lifted his head, allowing him to tug his stupid gay boyfriend into his bedroom. After they were safely out of the hallway, Dave shut the door behind them and leaned down to kiss John again. John ran his hands from Dave's sides to his chest, grabbing fistfuls of fabric. He dragged Dave with him as he leaned back against the door. Dave was losing himself to the kiss It was pretty lame. But he had John, the coolest guy in the world, so he could still be cool by association.

John moved his hand down to Dave's crotch. Dave broke their kiss to let out a breathy laugh.

“Shit, Egbert, you're eager,” Dave whispered. Rather than waiting for a response, he resumed the kiss with John. John just laughed and shoved his hips against Dave's, relocating his hand to Dave's ass. “Welp,” Dave said as he shifted his torso back to be able to look down at where their crotches were pressed together. “We could go do this stuff on my bed, that worked out pretty well last time.”

John placed his hands at the top of Dave's jeans and stretched upward to kiss Dave again. As they kissed his fingers drifted under Dave's shirt and up his torso. This was, frankly, the best day of Dave's life. This time he had no question as to what John's intentions were and he could just bask in the perfection that was John Egbert. 

“What are you waiting for?” John asked. “Let's get to your bed.”

Dave lifted his hand and pulled John's hand away from where it was stroking Dave's abs. He intertwined their fingers. He locked his eyes on John and remembered that he was, as usual, wearing his shades. Dave reached up and grabbed the temple of the aviators.

“Wanna take these off for me again?” Dave asked before removing his hand and smirking down at John's adorable face.

“We've been dating, what, all of five minutes and you're already this helpless? So uncool,” John replied. He placed his hands on the temples and slowly slid the shades off of Dave's face.

“Hey, I'm still very cool. I just know you like to feel like you're a part of this whole process.” There was a click as John folded the glasses up one ear piece at a time. He kept his eyes on Dave as he did so. This little punk was so fucking hot.

John put his hand on Dave's crotch again and smirked. Dave rolled his eyes and grabbed John's hand away, using it to lead John over to his bed.

As John backed Dave against the edge of the mattress, he stepped on the switch for the power strip Dave's computer speakers were connected to. Dave had hastily switched the power strip off to silence the Kanye West track that had been playing when he had heard someone scrambling up the stairs. There probably wasn't anyone he knew who wouldn't give him a hard time about laying on his stomach while waiting for John and listening to “Heartless”. He had started out listening to techno to calm his nerves, but he had selected the song from his “Most Played” list. “Heartless” had risen the ranks of the frequently played songs during the days John had neglected to speak with Dave after their first make-out session. That was not a fact that he would ever admit to anyone. If someone asked, “Heartless” was on his playlist purely for irony's sake.

Dave sat down on the bed and attempted to pull John into a kiss to distract him from the incriminating music. John slipped out of his grasp and looked over at the speakers, smile devilish.

“Oh my gosh, Dave, are you serious right now?” John teased, giggling as he turned back to his boyfriend.

“What can I say, Kanye's shitty love songs are perfect for getting me into the right state of mind for drawing Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff,” Dave explained as cover-up. John snickered and sat one knee on the bed at a time, straddling Dave's lap. John wrapped his arms around Dave's neck and beamed into Dave's exposed eyes.

“Your eyes are so cool,” John commented, tilting his head as he continued to gaze at Dave. “Want a lap dance to this lame music?”

Wow, that sounded awesome. Dave sucked in air and slid his hands up John's thighs. He watched as John closed his eyes and shuttered at the contact. “I'm not sure you have enough rhythm to pull that off. But this is grinding music, so I guess even someone as rhythmically challenged as you has as shot.” Dave pecked a kiss on John's chin.

John pushed his crotch into Dave's lap, moving his arms in an embarrassing attempt to create some semblance of sexiness. John seemed oblivious of the goofy grin plastered on his own face, ruining any hope he had of composing a remotely sensual his lap dance. Dave smirked and threw his arms around John, tugging him down onto the mattress. He stroked John's back affectionately as John readjusted himself so that his legs were wrapped around Dave's hips. He was like a koala. A horny, sexy, nerdy koala.

“That was the cutest fail I've ever seen,” Dave said. He heard John let out what he hoped was a playful growl. 

They laid there, simply cuddling for a few moments, until he felt John begin pecking tiny kisses onto his cheeks, chin, and throat. Dave couldn't hold back a small, contented sound at the adorable and romantic gesture. It seemed that John took the sound of approval as a sign to begin sucking on Dave's neck. This forced Dave to grunt to hide his moans. When John removed his head from Dave's throat, he pushed his hands up Dave's shirt again. This kid had a thing for chests. Or, at least, Dave's chest.

“You're hot, but the lap dance still sucked,” Dave murmured. He knew his breathy voice was fooling no one.

“I'd like to see you try and do better,” John muttered, fingering Dave's nipple.

“Oh, fuck yes,” Dave said, daring to drag his fingers past John's belt line to grope his boyfriend's top tier ass.”I've so got this, Egbert.”

“You gonna strip for me too?” John asked playfully.

“If that's what you want, John,” Dave answered. “But you've gotta untangle yourself from me if you want me to get my groove on.”

“Heh,” John breathed, clumsily freeing Dave from his cage of clingy limbs. “'Get your groove on.' So lame.” John crawled to the edge of the bed and eagerly shifted into a sitting position.

“We'll see if you still think so when I start working my Strider charm,” Dave said as he moved towards John.

John snorted. “Striders are too chill to be charming.”

“Striders have lots of charm,” Dave defened, straddling John. “Heartless” had ended and had been replaced by an indie techno track. Dave was definitely in his element. Well, he should have been.  
Dave never danced. When he went to the clubs his brother occasionally DJed at, he made a point to stand around looking as bored and unimpressed by the venue and atmosphere as possible. Even if their were hot half-naked guys dancing in cages, Dave prided himself in keeping up an air of apathy.

But for John, Dave would put on the best fucking show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason I'm never satisfied with my chapters for this fic! I don't know how I feel about this one. Oh well. Here it is! ;P


	16. Chapter 16

Dave did surprisingly well at his lap dance. John had never seen him dance before, but he apparently had a hidden stock of decent dance moves. John actually had no idea what a lap dance looked like, he hadn't even thought to get out of Dave's lap at any point during his performance. 

Dave had stripped off John's t-shirt during his routine, but John was still extremely overdressed when Dave ended his performance. As Dave sat in John's lap trailing kisses down John's chest, John admired the way Dave's ass and conspicuously erect cock looked in his tight red briefs.

“Shit, Dave, why didn't you tell me you were secretly a stripper?” John whispered. He stroked Dave's back, tracing his fingers up Dave's spine. Dave let out a short laugh.

“It wasn't that good, Egbert, you're just horny,” Dave huffed, dragging his cheek up John's chest. “I might have picked up a few tricks when I tagged along with Dirk and Jake during their weird gay strip club phase.”

John's dick throbbed. That was a pretty sexy thought. Thinking about either of the Strider brothers in any kind of sexual situation had always been a one-way ticket to bonercity for John, but imagining them both at a strip club with Jake was just a little bit too much for John to handle in his already-aroused state.

“Dirk and Jake had a gay strip club phase?” John whined. He heard Dave snort against his chest.

“Yeah, it started as a way for Dirk to scandalize Jake, but it ended when Jake started going home with the strippers,” Dave explained. He slid his hand slowly up John's chest and fingered John's nipple. John heard himself squeak. He was such an embarrassing mess when he had sex. Dave's head briefly left his chest, and after a moment John felt the hand being replaced by a tongue.

“Dave,” John whimpered. Dave pulled away from John's chest and straightened, looking John in the eyes. Dave's eyes looked so soft, so affectionate. It really was entirely different looking at Dave without his shades.

“What do you want me to do, John?” Dave asked. John grunted and looked down at his crotch.

“I want to...” He gulped. “I want to take off the rest of my clothes so we can... do... naked things.”

Dave laughed and shoved John onto his back on the bed. “Fuck, you are so fucking hot, Egbert.” He planted a sloppy, wet kiss on John's cheek before pushing himself up onto his knees. He reached down and unbuttoned John's pants. “You're like a fucking anime school girl or some shit.”

After unzipping John's jeans, Dave began sliding them down John's legs, taking John's Ghost Buster boxers with them. John forced himself not to grab his now-exposed cock to start jerking himself off, sinking his fingers into Dave's bare thigh's instead. He wanted to lick Dave's thighs so bad. They were so pale. They looked like vanilla ice cream.

Wow, had he really just thought that? What the fuck.

Didn't matter. He still wanted to do it.

John kicked off his shoes so that Dave could pull his pants completely off, then reached up to start peeling off Dave's briefs. John was salivating. He hadn't much of a clue as to how to perform a proper blow job, but he supposed his best friend probably wouldn't mind him trying his mouth on his dick. John had only barely begun to expose Dave's blonde pubic hair when Dave halted his pants removal to grab John's wrists.

“What?” John whined.

“My show's not over yet,” Dave responded. “Let me get your pants off and I'll finish up.”

“Danggit, Dave, just let me suck your smelly cock,” John griped. Fuck, the banter that always featured heavily in their conversations was making it's way into their sex. John decided that having sex with his best friend was basically the best thing ever. Now if only Dave would stop being a butthead and let John tear his underwear off.

Dave stared down at John for a moment before gulping and freeing John's hands. “Just don't turn this into a fucking prank, okay?” Dave told him. “I would be kind of miffed if you were like, 'he he I'm going to suck your cock, Dave. Jay-kay, I'm just going to dump a bucket of gushers on your head because even in my twenties I still find that dumb shit hilarious because I'm John Egbert.'”

John reached up and tugged Dave's briefs the rest of the way off. Now he had to act experienced. He had only just had sex for a first time a couple of days ago. But he did have experience. He just needed to try to recall exactly what Jake had done for his blow job. The first thing John did after yanking the underwear down to Dave's knees was indulge his desire run his tongue up Dave's thigh. He closed his eyes, his dick aching as he took in Dave's taste and texture. Admittedly, the leg hair on his tongue was quite a bit less sexy than he had imagined, but the fact that he was licking Dave at all sent a shutter through his body.

“Shit, Egbert,” he heard Dave murmur. When John reached the top of Dave's leg, he opened his eyes and surveyed Dave's crotch. He recalled Jake swiping his tongue across his cock, so John stuck out his tongue hesitantly moved his face towards Dave's dick. When the tip of his tongue touched Dave's penis, he heard Dave hiss. John gave the end of Dave's penis a tiny lick, eyes locked on Dave's face to gauge his reaction. Dave grabbed the back of John's head.

“Fuck, stop teasing me,” Dave groaned. John tried to think fast. Jake had somehow managed to keep his teeth from grazing John's cock. John rolled his lips in to cover his teeth and carefully closed his mouth around Dave. He sucked gently, running his tongue back and forth along Dave's tip. He closed his eyes again. He had his mouth on another man's cock. He had his mouth on his best friend's cock. He reached down and began stroking his own dick.

“Oh my g... John, John, John,” Dave managed to grunt out. “Hold on, I want to suck you off too.”

John moaned around Dave's cock and pulled his mouth away. He continued stroking himself, eyes on Dave's face. He had never seen Dave look so unhinged before. His face wasn't hiding an ounce of his intensity or arousal.

“So are we going to take turns or...” John began.

Dave gave him a hint of a smirk. “Come on, John, anyone who's been a teenager at any point knows how this works.”

“Oh!” John exclaimed, suddenly understanding what Dave was getting at. “I'd, uh, rather look at your face,” John admitted. Dave sucked in air. He plunged his face at John, smothering his his a messy kiss. Between sloppy kisses, Dave mumbled, “Fucking... marry me.”

John yanked his head back. “What?” He gasped.

Dave let out a sound that John could have sworn was a squeak. “Nothing, I didn't say anything, let's fuck, what are you waiting for.” His red eyes were round with worry, and John decided he could wait to address the issue after his hard-on was gone. Dave leaned in to kiss John again and John let himself fall back, pulling Dave down with him. Dave's hand slipped between them and John felt his hand wrap around both their cocks, aligning them and stroking them simultaneously. John moaned as precum and warm fingers slipped over his dick while Dave continued to kiss him. It was overwhelming. Everything was Dave and pleasure and Dave. 

When they both had finished, Dave remained on top of John, the two of them laying together in a sticky mess. It was not unlike his first time with Jake, really. There had been a lot of similarities. John tried to not think too hard about that, because that entire situation had been kind of a disaster. He was with Dave now, and that was all that mattered at the moment.

Dave nuzzled his face against John's neck. John grinned and ran his hand over Dave's back. “So what was that about you wanting to marry me?”

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Dave mumbled into John's neck.

“Yeah, uh-huh, sure,” John teased, patting Dave's back. Dave squirmed on top of John, reminding John of the uncomfortable amount cum drying on his chest and thighs. “Can we take a shower?” he asked. Dave kissed John's neck and lifted his head, eyes gazing affectionately down at John.

“We?” Dave asked. The hand he had been resting on John's upper chest slid up to massage John's shoulder.

“Yeah, I want to get cleaned up but I also want to make out and cuddle more,” John said. “Shit, that sounded really gay.”

“You are so fucking gay,” Dave agreed. The biggest, most genuine smile John had even seen on his best friend grew on Dave's face. “But I want my own fucking shower. We can cuddle like homos after we both get each others' jizz off of our bodies.” John laughed. He couldn't believe there was a time in their childhood when they had seriously used 'gay' and 'homo' as insults. Because as it turned out, being gay was absolutely awesome.

After a few more minutes of cuddling, Dave finally drug himself out of bed and shrugged into a tacky silk, heart-covered robe that John remembered him saying he had inherited from his brother. John wrapped Dave's comforter around himself and watched Dave open the door to the hallway. When he did, a commotion could be heard downstairs.

John looked at Dave, startled as he listened to a heated exchange on the ground floor of the house.

“Is that Jake?” John asked. Dave shut the door.

“I'll see if I can find some towels for us to clean off with in here,” Dave said.


	17. Chapter 17

“Dang, your house is the hip hangout in town today,” Roxy commented as Dirk went the answer the door again.

“Where did you get those grapes from?” Dirk asked her. She strode after him, plucking a grape off of the vine in her hand.

“Oh, wouldn't you like to know,” Roxy purred. She popped the grape in her mouth.

“How many times to I have to tell you not to eat out of our fruit bowl?” Dirk replied without any real hint of emotion. He actually didn't care that much right now. “You're throwing off the aesthetic of our house.”

“Okay, boy, since you sound real put off by it,” Roxy teased, giggling. While Dirk was pulling the door open, she chomped down another grape. Dirk almost slammed the door shut the second he saw Jake English trolling around his doorstep for the second time that day, but as he attempted to shut Jake out, Jake caught the door and held it open.

“Why are you doing this, Jake?” Dirk asked flatly. 

“I'm not here for you this time, Dirk. I'm here to confront your divvy of a brother on the deplorable lack of respect he has been showing me as of late. I refuse to fall prey to his rubbish head games,” Jake shoved his way into the house, elbowing past Dirk and heading towards the staircase. Dirk grabbed his wrist and yanked him back.

“If this is about the hacking thing, I've got you covered,” Dirk informed him gruffly. Jake turned back around to face Dirk, jerking his arm free from Dirk's grasp. He puffed up his chest and crossed his large, hairy arms.

“When were you planning on telling me you could assist me with my computer issues?” Jake huffed, eyes narrowed. “I was under the impression that you couldn't be bothered to chat with me.”

Dirk was taken aback. Jake could get worked up sometimes, but Dirk didn't think he had ever seen him this angry. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his baggy jeans and shrugged.

“I was going to tell you when we started hanging out again,” Dirk said. “Which, as I've assured you multiple times, was not going to be forever.” The truth was he had intended to make Jake suffer, using his computer and cellphone problems as a punishment for being so heartless. Maybe being without phone or internet would force him to think about how badly he had treated Dirk and his girlfriends. 

“I'm good with computers, I could have helped you,” Roxy piped up cheerily. “If it was someone else, I could have even counter hacked the prick who did it, but I wouldn't do that to Davey because we're buddies.”

“Roxy, please leave,” Dirk said. His voice was firm, but he let a touch of softness linger in it make sure that Roxy was aware he wasn't actually scolding her. It was just better she didn't get caught in the crossfire.

“Geez Louise, somepony's grumpy,” Roxy huffed, indulging Dirk's love of My Little Pony as she chomped down another grape.

“Cute. Now leave,” Dirk replied.

Roxy shrugged and sauntered towards the entrance to the living room.

“Why don't you just go make out with your girlfriend so I can give your pikey brother are royal ass-whooping,” Jake snarled. He hunched his shoulders and whirled back around so that he could begin stomping towards the stairs.

“Jake,” Dirk said calmly. “We both know the only person who can beat up Dave on my watch is me.”

Jake stopped at the foot of the staircase, hands balled into fists. “So, I have to fight through you first?” he grunted.

“You don't have to fight anyone,” Dirk said. “Dave's kind of busy right now anyway.”

Jake turned around, taking a deep, angry breath. He was going to start shouting even louder. “He's with John, isn't he?” This was pretty much how Dirk expected him to react. Jake would have to deal with losing John. It was probably good for him to learn what it was like to be the one who was rejected. Jake was such an attractive and charming man, Dirk wasn't sure he had ever actually been rejected before.

“Not really sure how that's any of your business,” Dirk informed him. That was apparently close enough to a yes for Jake, because he began bolting up the staircase. Dirk had always had a speed advantage over Jake, so he easily caught up with him, tackling him down onto the stairs.

“You're just going to let your blasted skank of brother steal away my boyfriend?” Jake shouted, struggling beneath Dirk. He managed to elbow Dirk hard enough in the chest to knock the wind out of him and throw off his focus. The next thing Dirk knew, they were being rolled over and he was the one being pinned.

“I thought...” Dirk took a deep breath, still finding his bearings. “I thought you two broke up.”

“Dave manipulated John into dumping me because that dodgy bastard has it in for me,” Jake growled.

“Did it ever occur to you that Dave might just actually like John?” Dirk asked, glaring up at Jake's livid face. “Those two have a thing going for a while now. It felt like a third wheel or an overbearing parent when they wanted to have movie nights because they were always snuggled up to each other, mumbling sweet nothings and staring into each others' eyes. It was really sappy and like I wasn't even there. Good relationships don't just happen over night, Jake. They get built up over time and-”

Apparently bored and irritated by his lecture, Jake punched him in the face. Dirk put his hand onto his cheek were Jake had punched him and kneed Jake in the crotch. While Jake clutched at his injured goods, Dirk slipped out from under him and locked himself into a firm standing position between Jake and the upstairs. Jake glared up at him.

“I can't believe you're taking Dave's side. You knew he hacked my computer,” Jake hissed from his crouch. “You're my friend, you're supposed to have my back, Dirk.”

“You're right,” Dirk agreed darkly. “Friends are supposed to look out for each other.”

Jake's expression softened and he looked up at Dirk expectantly. Things were going to go down hill fast no matter what Dirk said. Because he wasn't going to let Jake ruin Dave's pseudo-date with John. And frankly, he was starting to get pretty angry himself.

“We're best friends, Jake. We've been best friends for years,” Dirk commented. Jake nodded. “We kind of fucked it up by sleeping together.”

“It shouldn't have messed anything up!” Jake replied.

Dirk gritted his teeth. “But it did.” His voice was a low rumble. “Because you knew I liked you, but you were dragging your feet on actually making something of it. I kept telling myself that I wasn't getting played, that you just weren't ready. Because you were my friend, Jake. It was shitty what you were doing to those girls, especially Jane, but they were just people you didn't give a shit about. I thought our relationship meant just a little bit more to you than that.”

“What are you saying?” Jake asked. He was acting so innocent. So blameless. Dirk could feel himself shaking. His anger was going to spill out. All those emotions hurt and betrayal that had built up over the last several years were about to spill over the proverbial dike.

“Maybe you're right, maybe we shouldn't even try to be friends anymore,” Dirk growled.

Jake put his hands on his knees. “Are you saying you want to date me?” Warmth and hope flooded Dirk's system. “Because I'm not sure that would be a good idea right now.” His heart couldn't handle this much whiplash. “John and I -”

“Typical, Jake,” Dirk cut in. “You just assume that everyone wants you and you don't even have to lift a finger to make a relationship happen. You think that people will always just come to you and you can just weed out the ones you aren't interested in. I'm saying we shouldn't be friends at all. We shouldn't speak anymore. You should stop dropping by my house and making moves on on little bro's cute boyfriend. Stop punishing Roxy because you have some psychotic need to be privy to every aspect of my life. Stop sending me messages, stop asking to hang out. We're done, period. Because you know what, Jake? To be quite honest and ludicrously cliché, I gave you my fucking heart. And all you gave me was false hope.”

Jake looked crushed. Dirk should have felt victorious, but seeing Jake like that only made him hurt more. Jake was quiet for a moment. When he spoke, it was in a whisper.

“Please,” he breathed. “Let me at least speak with John. Without you, he's all I have.”

“You'll always have someone, Jake. You're good at finding people who are crazy about you,” Dirk told him. His heart felt like it was made of spikes, slicing into his chest with every beat as he looked down at Jake's mortified green eyes.

“I can't live without you, Dirk,” Jake muttered, breathing heavy. Dirk didn't want to live without Jake either. But he was going to continue to torture himself, as well as Jakes if he let things go on as they were any longer. Jake loved using jungle survival as metaphors, and this situation reminded him of one of Jake's favorites. Sometimes when a limb is badly poisoned, the only option you have in to remove it. Their relationship was far past toxic. The only thing Dirk could think to do was end it entirely. Jake would learn what happened when you treated people with such flippant disregard and Dirk would be able to...

Well, his heart wouldn't take as much of a beating anymore. He couldn't handle being volleyed around emotionally anymore. And he definitely could not handle Jake trying to attack his little bro over as guy Jake had only known a few days.

It was better this way. Wasn't it?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really mad at myself for updating this on such an erratic schedule. :( Sorry about this!! I'm trying to get better still.

After they had wiped themselves off with one of Dave's towels, John picked up the red t-shirt Dave had been wearing and slipped it on. Then, he reached over to Dave's desk and grabbed a spare pair of shades off of it.

“Yo, yo, yo, yo, I'm Dave Strider and I never smile,” John said in a fake Texas drawl with a huge smile.

Dave grinned and plucked John's t-shirt off of the floor. “I don't say 'yo'.” Normally he would have followed this up with a lecture about irony, how his vocabulary had evolved over the years, and added some unnecessary long metaphor to make his point. But the reason he had always done that in an attempt to keep John's attention on him. And right now, he felt like had John's full focus. It was a pretty fucking amazing feeling and, frankly, a dream come true. The thought that Dave didn't desperately have to vie for John's attention in that moment made him ecstatic. Dave tugged on John's shirt and sat down next to John, slipping an arm around his waist. He pressed their foreheads together.

“I'm John Egbert,” Dave mumbled. “And I suck at imitating people.” John giggled and leaned forward to engage Dave in a kiss. 

When they broke from the kiss John said, “I'm Dave Strider and I have terrible taste in music.”

Dave snorted and gave John's waist a squeeze. “I'm John Egbert and my taste in movies has been known to kill kittens. Because it's so shitty,” Dave shot back. John pulled off Dave's spare shades and tilted his head so that is was laying on Dave's shoulder, peered sweetly up at Dave. 

“I'm Dave Strider,” John muttered. “And John Egbert loves me.”

Dave felt his heart leap. John loved him.

This was all so sickeningly sweet. Dirk would never stop teasing Dave if he were to overhear a conversation like this between Dave and John. Although, Dave suspected that Dirk already had caught wind of how much of a sap Dave was for John. Even when Dirk was around, whenever John did anything cutesie and affectionate, Dave had trouble not being reduced to a babbling lovesick puppy. All things considered, he was actually being pretty smooth this time around. It must have had something to do with the warm post-sex haze that was still surrounding his mind, preventing him from getting too overwhelmed by John's perfection.

Still, he wasn't going to beat around the bush for something so important. Now that he knew how John felt, Dave didn't have to hide all of his feelings behind jokes and flirting anymore. “I love you too, John,” Dave told him, letting his sincerity show on his face. John grinned.

“I love you, even if you can be kind of lame,” John said. If it had felt amazing to hear John tell him he loved him through flirtatious role playing, hearing him say it bluntly was pure ecstasy. 

“I love you, and you're perfect,” Dave said. He could hear his voice quivering. He had been holding his feelings back for so long, he couldn't keep his cheesy sentiments from spilling over as he gazed into those flawless blue eyes.

John giggled. “Dave, you're gay.” Dave gulped.

“Yup,” he replied. “Pretty fucking gay.”

“I'm glad you're my boyfriend,” John said, removing his head from Dave's shoulder so that he could rub his nose against Dave. Dave felt like he was going to burst if they continued acting this lovey-dovey. He hated when he had to experience other couples acting this way, but with John, he couldn't get enough of it. Dave wrapped his other around John and tugged him back onto the bed, where the pair cuddled in silence for a while. Dave threaded his fingers through John's, and stared at their intertwined hands as they lay tangled together.

“Hey, Dave,” John said after a while, his chin propped on Dave's shoulder.

“Mhm,” Dave replied, stroking John's back

“I still feel kind of gross,” John said. “Do you think the coast is clear from me to take a shower now?”

“I can check,” Dave responded. “We can wash your boxers too, since they're probably kind of fucked up now. Are you okay with staying the night so they have time to get clean?”

John laughed and pushed himself up to look Dave in the eye. “Dave, you don't have to make up some bullshit reason for me to stay the night. I was kind of hoping we could make sexy sleepovers a regular thing.”

“Fuck yes,” Dave replied, stretching up to give John a kiss before squirming out from under him so that he could head for the door. “Maybe we can save some water by showering together just this once. I like having my own showers, but I can make an exception since you're kind of giving me some dumb puppy eyes right now.”

John grinned. “Sound fun.”

==>

Jake felt gutted. Hollow. He had surmised that his relationship with Dirk might taper off into nothingness, but for Dirk to end it so suddenly, so brutally and so bluntly was almost more than Jake could take. As Jake stared blankly at Dirk, Dave stalked into the hallway in athletic shorts and John's t-shirt. It was then that a searing pain overtook his heart, a pain with origins he couldn't identify. He almost couldn't even hate Dave. He wasn't even sure John was worth it anymore. If Dirk Strider would turn on him so harshly, anyone would. He wasn't sure why he felt so differently about this situation all of the sudden. It was like Dirk's declaration of their ending friendship had knocked Jake out of himself, and now he was just a bruised and battered soul watching horrible things happen to himself.

“Are you two done having hate sex now?” Dave asked, scratching his scalp underneath what was undoubtedly sex hair. “Because my boyfriend needs a shower.”

Jake snapped back to himself. It didn't matter how he felt, what this mixture of apathy and pain meant. Dave was rubbing it in. Kicking the ashes of his dead relationships in his face. Jake wanted to yell at him, but he couldn't think of anything intelligent to say.

In the end, that didn't stop him.

“My, it didn't take you long to get into John's pants. And you have accused me of being a promiscuous fellow,” Jake snarled. Dave stuffed his hands into the pockets of the shorts and shrugged.

“I guess what goes around comes around,” Dave said. “But if you ever imply that my boyfriend is a whore again, you never know. You might wind up with a stab wound in that stupid British face of yours. S'hard to say. Accidents happen.”

“Are you really attempting to threaten me, Strider?” Jake scoffed. He straightened his back and clenched his fists. “I'm not sure what honor of John's you have to defend. You so-called boyfriend had sex with me straight away as well.”

It only took a split second of Dave's stance to change in response to that statement. He pulled out his fists and lunged forward, his shades sliding down his nose. Dirk stuck his hand out in front of his brother's chest, giving him a slight shove backwards. Dirk and Jake both knew that Dave wouldn't last 2 minutes in a fight against Jake. It would be like a kitten attacking a bear. Dirk may have done an effective job of training Dave to hold his own in a fight against the average person, but Jake English was not an average person when it came to strife.

“Hey, jackass, you know what would be fucking awesome? If you weren't the biggest hypocrite slut-whore-prick that ever walked into this god damned house. Why don't you get the fuck out before I go grab one of my swords and slice you up for real?” Dave shouted. “Untwist your stupid fucking granny panties, old man, and go find another unsuspecting cutie to mack on.” Dave tried to to duck under Dirk's arm. Dirk caught him before he could make another attempt to charge at Jake. “Good luck finding someone as perfect and adorable as John though. I'll give you a fucking hint, asshat, you won't.”

John wandered into the hallway, apparently having been drawn out by the yelling. John was wearing a shirt that looked just a little bit too big for him, and Jake didn't have to go out on much of a limb to surmise that the red t-shirt sagging on John's shoulders was Dave's. John was in his boxers, his adorable skinny legs emphasized by his baggy underpants. Another spike of pain that struck Jake's system.

He could still vividly recall the first time he and Dirk had hooked up. After weeks of begging from Jake, Dirk a had finally agreed to take Jake to play paintball. They tagged along with Roxy and a group of her friends who played on a regular basis. The night before they went to play, Jake confessed to Dirk over instant messenger that he held some confusing feelings for Dirk that he hadn't quite worked out yet, but that he was undoubtedly sexually attracted to Dirk. He told Dirk that he hoped this wouldn't damage their friendship, which Dirk assured him it wouldn't. Dirk said that he would always be Jake's best friend, nothing could possibly change that.

Jake had always been one for getting swept up in the moment. During the adrenaline of the paintball game, while hiding behind a barricade of prop barrels in the paintball course, Jake kissed Dirk. They made out in their hiding spot until they were discovered and both knocked out of the game. Afterword, they returned to Dirk's house and had their first hook up. 

Since a streak of cum had marred the shirt Jake had been wearing, Dirk lent him one of his. The shirt was tight on Jake as a result of Dirk's more lean build contrasting Jake's stockier body. Jake somewhat enjoyed the idea that the shirt didn't fit him well, he almost felt as if it advertized that he had just slept with Dirk Strider. Showing off that you just had sex wasn't very gentlemanly, but Jake decided that just borrowing a shirt from Dirk that didn't fit was subtle enough to not make Jake look trashy.

Jake still had that shirt. He had never given it back, it was now in the back of the pencil drawer in his desk, making every pencil he used smell like Dirk. It was kind of a creepy thing to do, but Jake had convinced himself that it wasn't intentional, he had entirely intended to give the shirt back. And he definitely wasn't purposely trying to make his pencils smell like his best friend so that when he nibbled on them thoughtfully he thought of Dirk.

John was currently lecturing Dave about how he was supposed to have just peeked out of the room to see if Jake was done 'throwing a temper tantrum'. When John slid his hand around Dave's waist, Jake couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't stand to be in this house, where the man he had fallen in love with was snuggling up to the world's biggest asshole. Where his best friend was telling him he never wanted to see him again. Dirk probably wanted to make out with his alcoholic girlfriend anyway. There was no way she knew how lucky she was to have someone like Dirk as her boyfriend.

Jake didn't want to just storm away awkwardly without saying anything after his big tirade, but if he felt stayed in the house any longer he would just start screaming. He could practically feel the hate from Dirk, Dave, and even John sinking into his skin. It was like a thick humidity. 

He couldn't think straight.

So, he just snarled and stormed out.


	19. Chapter 19 (Revised)

After John had squeezed a handful of shampoo out of the bottle Dave had handed him, he reached up to rub it into Dave's hair. Dave started to pull away, startled by the intimacy of the the gesture and still shaken up by the heated exchange that had occurred in the hall. John just grinned and followed Dave's movement, continuing to spread the soap over his hair and scalp. Dave stilled, silently giving John permission to continue. He let the pleasant massage of John's hands run over him, eyes falling to a pale red spot on John's right shoulder.

John's shoulder was marked. Dave felt his heart rate increase. He didn't remember leaving that mark. He had failed to notice it during their “adult sleepover” earlier. To Dave's knowledge, the only person who had made out with John recently was Jake English. And from what Jake had said, he and John had done a lot more than just make out.

Of course, Dave had know for a while that Jake and John had been sleeping together. Even if Dirk hadn't said something about it a couple days ago, Dave would have suspected. Jake wasn't a man who could wait patiently for sex. He probably had his hands all over John within minutes of their first date.

But knowing, in an abstract sense, that John and Jake had been together, and seeing that mark on John after Jake had shouted about how easy John had been to bed were two extremely different things. Dave chewed on his lower lip and felt nausea forming in his stomach as images of Jake's lips on John's bare shoulder flashed, unwelcome, through his mind. The soap-covered hands now drifting away from his head had stroked Jake's sides. The soft tongue flicking over John's lips as he looked at Dave had probably been in more places than just Jake's mouth. Dave didn't want to visualize such imagery, but he was an artist. He could only think in vivid pictures.

John wrapped his arms around the back of Dave's neck, eyes searching Dave's. 

“What are you thinking?” John asked brightly.

Dave cleared his throat and straightened, pulling his eyes away from John. He couldn't look at his boyfriend without eying Jake's nearly faded mark. 

“I think we need to make sure Bro isn't moping a hole in the house,” Dave commented. Forgetting that his eyes weren't obscured by shades, he let his gaze drift back to John, though his head was still turned. John frowned.

“Yeah, you're right. It's kind of hard to believe he ever liked Jake,” John replied thoughtfully. “I thought your bro was good enough with people to know a jerk when he saw one.”

Dave shrugged underneath John's arms, eyes dropping naturally back to the mark. “Bro's not good with people. He's good at controlling people. Which is pretty fucking different.”

“Is he really dating Roxy now?” John asked. “Because I'm sure she can cheer him up. That would give us more alone time.” John sounded like he was trying to be seductive when he uttered 'alone time', but he just sounded adorably dorky. 

He had probably used that sexy dork tone on Jake. Maybe John had been the one who seduced Jake. Even though...

John had been a virgin. Unless those times John had whined to Dave about how he would die without ever getting laid were just head games. But John didn't play head games. At least not on purpose.

“Why did you sleep with him?” Dave asked suddenly. His voice was sharp, probably too sharp. 

John looked alarmed. He gulped and looked down, brows knit. “He was the first guy who showed any interest in me. And he was hot. Can you blame me?” John muttered, guilt dangling on his words.

“Bullshit,” Dave shot back. “There is no way in hell he was the first guy to show interest in you. Even if every Kinsey two through six you ever met was blind as Terezi Pyrope, I showed enough interest in you to fuel a crush tank. That crush tank was commissioned by Obama to end the war on terror. No one knows what we're doing in the Middle East, but they know the crush tank is going to kick ass and take names. I literally made out with you the night before Jake started making the moves on your flawless ass. What more did you need?”

“We've been over this,” John whimpered. “You said you just wanted to be friends. Can you blame me for interpreting -”

“Yes,” Dave growled. “You had sex with Jake after, what, one date? But you weren't able to understand an intentionally ambiguous statement?” Dave took a deep breath. He was letting himself get too worked up. But he couldn't stop. “I'm sorry for trying to preserve our friendship while you were taking a leaf out of the Jake English book for being heinously wishy-washy.”

“Dave, shut up,” John warned. His voice was dangerously low. “What happened between Jake and I was dumb, but you really need to let it go.”

Dave gulped and glanced away, seething inside. He knew he was being unreasonable. He knew he was being irrational. He knew John wasn't a slut. John wasn't even close to being a slut. He looked up at the shower head. “We should do something with Bro.”

==>

Dave wouldn't even look at John as he tugged clothes out of the tangled knots they constantly remained in after being carelessly tossed into his drawers. It was stupid, and John didn't know what to do. He didn't think he should be expected to feel guilty for what had happened with Jake. It had really happened only because of a misunderstanding between himself and Dave. But if Dave was upset about it, he needed to do something to repair the damage. 

Without turning around, Dave chucked a lime green t-shirt and a pair of white athlete shorts towards John. He missed by a large margin, and John scrambled over to retrieve the t-shirt from where it had fallen next to Dave's cluttered desk.

“Maybe I am too easy,” John conceded as he shrugged into the t-shirt. It appeared the shorts had fallen behind the desk, so John knelt down to peer underneath it. There were many stray socks cast about among the dangerously unkempt tangle of wires. John noticed a streak of white dangling down in the very back of the abyss, partially trapped between the the desk and the wall.

Still riffling through his dresser, Dave sighed. “Naw, you're fine. Jake's just good at making sure he gets what he wants. And what he wants is to fuck every hot hot ass he finds.” His tone was almost neutral, but there was a sliver of warmth in the statement. Maybe Dave wasn't as pissed as John had thought. Why wouldn't he look at him, though?

John glanced back beneath the desk. “What do you think we should do with your bro?”

“I don't know, what do guys like to do when they get dumped?” Dave replied. “Oh, that's right. Nothing.”

John smirked. “Dave Strider, I do not need your sass. We're on a rescue mission here.” And John was on a rescue mission for these shorts. He placed his hands on the floor and began to crawl into the jungle of wires and dirty socks. When he approached the back of the desk, he noticed a pile of DVDs still in their plastic wrappings.

“You know,” Dave said suddenly. “It's my own fucking fault. If you were so horny that you felt like you needed to hop right on Jake's cock it was because I failed as your best bud to see you needed to get laid.”

John scowled, the DVD from the top of the stack already in his hand. “That is such bullshit, Dave.” John turned over the copy of 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' to read the back before continuing, “That statement actually makes less sense the more I think about it.”

Dave let out a long, low, sigh and there was the sound of hands hitting flesh before he let out a muffled, “I know.”

The description for the movie had been mostly covered up by a hand-written, all lowercase note that looked like it had been produced by a complete asshole. All the “I”s were doubled and the “S”s looked like “2”s. The tone of the note was snarky, mocking the fact that the author's boyfriend had written a two thousand-word essay about the film on his livejournal.

“Why don't be both just agree I'm a stupid whore, so you can use your charming boyfriend skills to reform me while we cheer up your brother with this Audrey Hepburn movie,” John said cheerily.

“I don't need to reform you, you're perfect.” Dave's voice was still muffled. “Just let me kick Jake English's ass.”

“I'd rather you not get shot,” John teased.

Dave made a noise that John could have sworn was a startled laugh. “He can't shoot me if I put a shitty sword through his stupid dick first.”

John chuckled and tugged the shorts down from behind the desk.

“And there's no fucking way we're watching an Audrey Hepburn movie. I'm shutting that shit down right now,” Dave added. John glanced down at the next DVD in the stack and smirked.

“Will you promise to watch the next movie I pick since you rejected my first choice,” John asked deviously.

“Wow, I wonder if this is a set up,” Dave scoffed. But he sounded amused. “Look, we both know you're a prankster and the next movie you suggest it going to be something like Con Air or Ghost Busters or lesbian porn. But, hey, I'll be a dumbass and indulge you because I really don't want to fucking watch Audrey Hepburn.” He paused for a moment before adding, “the next movie is not allowed to be another Audrey Hepburn. In case you were planning on pulling out 'Sleepless in Seattle' as your next choice.”

John sat down “Breakfast at Tiffany's” and squinted thoughtfully. “Is Audrey Hepburn in 'Sleepless in Seattle?'” 

==>

Dirk was stitching together a pink smuppet for Roxy when he heard a pounding on his door that was so intrusively vigorous and loud, he immediately recognized that it must be an oddly concerned younger brother. Dirk placed his foot on the leg of the table he was working on, he pushed his swivel chair away from his sewing supplies and towards the door. He unlatched the lock and called for Dave to come in, rolling himself back towards his project.

He heard Dave enter, but didn't look up from his careful stitching.

“Hey. Want to watch a movie with me and John? We found this crappy old Disney DVD in my room that Rose probably bought me at some point to be a bitch, and we were thinking about watching it to mock the fuck out it,” Dave said.

“It's The Little Mermaid. and Roxy bought it for you because it was your favorite movie when you were a kid,” Dirk replied, plunging the needle back into the crack of the plush rump. “You cried when I told you Eric and Ariel got divorced the next day.”

“Yeah, well, I don't remember that and it's probably more of your bullshit to teach me some dumb lesson about myself so fuck that,” Dave said, the slightest touch of annoyance slipping into his voice. “You in or not?”

Dirk shrugged his broad shoulders and pulled the needle out of the smuppet again. “You probably want to be alone with your sexy new boyfriend. Congrats on tapping that, by the way, I always thought Egbert was too prudish to let you stick it in him.”

“Dude, Bro, he's not prudish, okay, he's just got class and standards. It's nice to know I'm with a with a guy who won't cheat on me because he's actually a good person. I mean, you even like John, you said you wanted to adopt him that one time when you were being passive aggressive and trying to tell me I was a shitty little brother. I just thought you were into hanging out with us on movie nights. But if you don't want to join us, whatever, that's fine, I don't really care,” Dave babbled. He seemed uncertain. Dirk could hear him nervously scuffing his sneakers on the carpet. “If you get bored with your smuppet and feel like not being a jerk maybe you can come downstairs and let me rub my new relationship in your face.”

Dirk snorted. “You and Egbert have been rubbing your relationship in my face for years. It's pretty impressive how long you two held out on ripping each others clothes off,” Dirk commented. He heard Dave let out a barely audible scoff. “Remember when he used to crawl up on your lap and basically straddle you while he begged for dating advice when he was in relationship with that Vriska girl? It's kind of sad that he thought he was passing that off as friendship.”

“Look, okay, as much as I'd love to be nailing this guy who has been cock teasing me for years, I'm totally going to stick around and continue this conversation because I'm all about being trash-talked by my bro, who I was nice enough to invite to hang out with me and my boyfriend,” Dave huffed. “For the record, Jake's an asshole and, I know this is going to blow your big gay mind, maybe exploring other relationship options would be preferable to moping about a guy who treated you like shit for almost half your life.”

“I'm really happy for you and John,” Dirk muttered, squinting his eyes to thoroughly check for any errors in his stitching. “Now get the fuck out of my room.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know
> 
> -walks off of a cliff into a ocean of acid filled with alligators holding flamethrowers-


	20. Chapter 20

Jake sat his chin on his desk, staring vacantly at the yellow symbol on his computer screen. When he and Jane had started dating, she had interrogated him about the nature of his feelings for Dirk. She seemed under the impression that he and Dirk were dancing around some hidden, deep romance, and that Jake was just stalling with everyone else. Jake had told her that he wasn't sure how he felt about Dirk, he just wanted to try things out with him, since he was he best friend.

Jake figured it would have hit him already if he loved Dirk. It had hit him when he saw John. The fact that Dave thought he was entitled to John just because he saw him first was incredibly childish. Jake let out an annoyed sigh and sat up, yanking open his pencil drawer. It didn't smell as strongly of Dirk as it once had, but the mental suggestion of the smell always caused Dirk's aroma to well up in his nose. Jake pulled out Dirk's shirt and buried his face in it. He wasn't sure why he did, he just felt the need to feel the fabric of his best friend's clothing close to his skin.

He'd lost the only constant in his life. And it was partially Dave Strider's fault. Jake began to entertain thoughts of revenge, but most of them involved violent acts that would surely land him in jail. Americans were so finicky about murder. Jake huffed and pulled the shirt away, staring at the orange details on it before tossing it back into the drawer.

No, it wasn't Dave's fault at all, and he actually didn't feel that angry at Dave specifically anymore. He was upset about losing John, but frankly, losing Dirk hurt worse. He could understand a cute boy like John going for a younger guy like Dave. Jake was nearly thirty, maybe he was getting too old to win over hot young men like John. It didn't matter. He couldn't even think clearly about that. The primary thought dominating his concerns was the fact that he would never be able to speak with Dirk again.

All those evenings they spend chatting online were just memories now. Jake would have to learn to live without Dirk's good-natured teasing and well-intentioned desire to help Jake become the best man he could be. He would no longer be able to send flirty texts to Dirk while snuggled up to Jane or Aranea.

He couldn't even cuddle up to Jane or Aranea anymore. Although, he was pretty sure he could easily get Jane back. But every time he thought of it, he felt a heavy guilt bear down on him. Dirk believed Jake had treated Jane badly. Maybe he had been right.

When there was a knock at the door, Jake practically bounded over to answer it, suspecting it to be an apologetic Dirk. Finding Roxy Lalonde at his doorstep was a bit of a disappointment.

“People forget how great phonebooks are,” Roxy commented, winking. Her voice had a slur to it, indicating she had been drinking at bit more than she was supposed to have. Dirk was trying to cut back her alcoholic tendencies, Jake knew that much. He supposed it wasn't much of a shock that they had fallen in love in the mean time. But pity didn't count as real love. Everyone knew that. “I was all bored because Dirk kicked me out so he could go about moping around, and then I remembered I could hunt down your address.”

“Roxy, I was the one who informed you that telephone books could be used to acquire such information. You weren't even aware that was possible until I pointed it out,” Jake replied, crossing his arms impatiently. He wondered if she was coming over to try to cheat on Dirk. That was just the type of thing that whore who stole best friends did.

“Naw, I knew all that, Jake!” Roxy swatted her hand in the air dismissively. “I had just forgotten because we got computers to hack up for information now.” She probably helped Dave hack his phone and computer. What a horrid bitch.

Still, Jake was nothing if not the perfect gentleman. He had to be a good host, even if his guest was utterly detestable. He tried not to let his intense hatred for the woman show as he invited her into his apartment and asked her if she wanted a glass of water to dilute the alcohol. Maybe if he got her talking he could conceive of a good reason to punch her in the tits.

No one could blame him if she was being bitchy enough. Although, he wasn't sure he could ever recall a time when Roxy had acted bitchy to him. Which really just proved how awful she was. Manipulative and evil. A horrible combination.

Roxy gave Jake a coquettish grin as he handed her tap water in a lop-sided mug he had thrown himself. He had selected the mug because it was by far the ugliest in his collection, but he was aggravated to realize that that the sloppy and unevenly glazed mug reminded him of Dirk.

Dirk had insisted that Jake learn to create pottery on a wheel when he had discovered that his neighbor, Feferi, had a ceramics lab in her basement. In the time it had taken Dirk to produce an entire collection of beautiful mugs, plates, and vases, Jake had only barely held together two functional mugs. Dirk had kept one, and Jake had often noticed Dirk indulging him by drinking out of it when the two of them were together.

Roxy took a sip of water before speaking. “So, I'm a little worried about Dirk. Kind of a bummer that things got so bad between the you boys.” Jake scoffed and sat down on the chair across from Roxy, slouching back. Before he could speak, Roxy asked, “Did you make this? It looks homemade. What kind of glaze did you put on here, Jakey?”

Jake tapped his fingers on the arm of his chair his irritation. She was definitely being condescending. He had no doubt.

“It was my first attempt,” Jake huffed. “I hope to improve upon future explorations of the craft. The glaze is emerald green.”

Roxy continued to smile as she brought the mug closer to her face, water splashing out of the shorter side onto the couch as she did so. Roxy ran her pink fingernails over the side of the cup, examining the detail.

“It sure doesn't look like emerald green. You sure this was mixed up right?” Roxy commented. She began picking at a tiny lump of clay that had been fired onto the cup in Jake's carelessness. It was probably far too late to remove it now.

The truth was, Feferi and Dirk had done just fine mixing up the emerald green glaze. Jake just hadn't put it on nearly thick enough. But he didn't want to tell Roxy that. He didn't even want to be discussing ceramics with her at all, especially since she clearly had experience with the craft.

“Why are you here?” Jake asked, forgoing any further smalltalk.

Roxy looked up from the cup to lock eyes with Jake. She winked again.

“Like I said, I'm worried about my bestie. Dirk's my bff, so I gotta pull for him,” Roxy took another sip of water and shrugged. “So why'd you go and dump him for John? That was kind of a shitty thing to do Jake, no offense.”

Maybe he would have a reason to punch her after all.

“Dirk knew what – we weren't even -” Jake snarled in frustration and folded his arms, glancing away. He couldn't even piece together his own thoughts for himself right now, he certainly didn't need his competition interrogating him right now.

Had he really just thought of her as his competition? Fuck it, she was. He and Dirk used to tell each other everything. It was Roxy who had driven the wedge between them.

“You two just seemed like had a lot going for you. I mean you did all those dumb things like movie theater blow-jobs, but you also were always talking to each other about your feelings and doing best friend shit together,” Roxy shrugged her shoulders again. “I kind of wish I could date someone who was like my best pal.”

“You know what, you've gotten your jollies Ms. Lalonde. Why don't you just shimmy on out of here and go back to the man you've won,” Jake boomed, unable to contain his rage any longer. “You've already played dirty in this game, there's no reason to rile me up further with your head games. I hope you have a ride home, because I will only be escorting you to the door.”

“Woah, Jake, calm down, I don't even know what -” Roxy began. Jake didn't want to hear any more of her false niceties. Reminding him of that time he had sucked Dirk off at the theater was a low blow. It was something that would have seemed trashy and classless to anyone else, but it was a perfectly reasonable story if one bothered to hear it all out.

Jake had been explaining to Dirk just how wonderful Aranea was, and Dirk had asked if he was in love with her. Jake had been taken aback, and when Dirk had gone on to point out that perhaps Jake's love of adventure had been waning and that was why he was continuing to be so wishy-washy about his relationships. Jake had found himself determined to prove his adventurous nature to his best buddy. He was only further convinced of his need to persuade Dirk on just how daring he could be when he noticed a snobby, childish waiter named Caliborn flirting heavily with Dirk. Caliborn was scrawny and unattractive, working at the pizza place they had met Roxy and Feferi at for dinner. It wasn't fair that Caliborn had been able to tear some of Dirk's attention away from Jake English. Caliborn should have been entirely invisible to Dirk.

When Dirk and Jake found themselves in a nearly empty theater later that evening, Jake had started by simply groping Dirk through his jeans during the film. But after Dirk had slid down in his seat and spread his legs for easier access, Jake concluded there was really one way for a former jungle explorer like Jake to prove just how audacious he could be for his best friend.

No condom meant that Jake had to swallow to spare the theater floor from Dirk's jizz. It was the first time Jake had swallowed, and he got a hypocritical lecture from Dirk about the importance of condoms once the afterglow had worn off.

Roxy was trying to explain herself as Jake led her to the door of his apartment. He didn't really care to hear what she had to say. She and Dirk were both very lucky that Jake had held back his instinctual desire to start a brawl with her. He didn't have the patience and energy to deal with a flighty broad like this at the moment.

The only girl he needed to talk to right now was his friend Aradia.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry... the Dad stuff in this chapter apparently came out of nowhere. I thought I'd built up to it but I guess that was all in my head because I was too busy writing porn XD

John had hoped he wouldn't run into his dad while making a quick trip into his house to change and collect a few of his things. He wasn't ready yet to explain where he had been spending his time lately. He briefly considered falling back to his childhood parental avoidance tactic, wearing a clever disguise. It turned out that Dirk owned a rather extensive cosplay collection, a fact John learned when a very shifty and cautious Dave snuck him into Dirk's room to view the array of anime, cartoon, and British television character wardrobes Dirk boasted. John was most amused and impressed by his red starfleet uniform, modeled after those of the original Star Trek series.

In the end, John had decided that attempting to evade his dad with a costume would be childish and ineffective. He didn't tell Dave this, of course, as Dave had been attempting to shoot down the glorious plan from the beginning. Instead, John told Dave that he would rather keep things simple this time.

John's didn't even have a chance to avoid his father. The moment John stepped through the front door of his house, his dad walked around the corner, holding a newspaper. He grinned at John and John flashed him a sheepish grin in return. He considered absconding, but at this point that would only make things more complicated down the line. 

“You've been scarce the past few of days, son,” Mr. Egbert observed jovially. “Don't tell me you found yourself a girlfriend.” When his dad winked at him, John has to force himself not to wince. That was probably the most awkward suggestion his father could have made given the current circumstances. John felt himself panicking a little. Did his father know something? He was still dressed in Dave's clothes, with his own, freshly laundered outfit in a plastic bag in his hand.

“No, I've just been spending a lot of time at Dave's. We had another sleepover last night. I think we're going to start making it a regular thing, I think. It kind of makes it feel like we're teenagers again,” John explained his dad.

Mr. Egbert's eyebrows rose. “All this extra time with the Striders? Really, son? Did they get a new gaming system? Or a hot new housemate?”

John laughed nervously. “Oh, yeah, that's funny dad, you're funny. You're very...” John slumped his shoulders in defeat. There was no reason to drag this out. “I'm gay.”

Mr. Egbert's smile faded. “What?”

“I should have told you sooner. I kind of thought I could date girls and that it would be fine, but I guess I'm a bit too high on the Kinsey scale for that,” John replied, chuckling nervously.

“Ken-zing scale? Is that some sort of pipe for marijuana?” John's dad squinted.

John laughed, and scratched his neck, glancing towards the fireplace. “No it's...” He snapped his gaze back to his father. “Are you upset?”

“I hope you realize how hard this is going to make you life.” Mr. Egbert's tone was low and patronizing, but John didn't really care. He wasn't getting shipped away to conversion therapy yet. Like that poor kid in his eight grade Sunday school class had. So far, so good.

“Yeah,” John nodded in agreement.

“Are you converting for Dave? Is it because you're having a dry patch after Vriska?” John's dad pressed. “She was a nice girl.”

John snorted. “Dad, you hated Vriska.”

“I just hope you're not making this decision just to fit in with the Striders,” Mr. Egbert said. “They're open-minded, but you don't have to act like them to be friends with them. Perhaps you should start spending less time over there.”

His dad was trying to rationalize John's orientation back to heterosexuality. It wasn't going to work, John had been trying that for years. Deep down, he had always known the real reason he had been drawn to the Striders. They were closer to who he really was than he, at the time, could have ever hoped to be. He had been so desperate to become friends with Dave, begging his cousin Jade, who had lived next door to the Striders at the time, to introduce them. It had been amazing when Dave had seemed almost more enthused about the friendship than he was.

But he wasn't sure how he could explain this to his father.

“I haven't only been spending my time over there,” John said. He also wasn't certain telling his father what he was about to tell him was a good idea. But he didn't know how else to support the validity of his homosexuality. “I was dating that guy that came over the other night for a little bit.”

Mr. Egbert crossed his arms. “I knew he looked like a hooligan,” he huffed. John burst out laughing.

“He is dad. He is such a hooligan,” John agreed. He gnawed on his lower lip for a moment before adding, “But Dave's a great guy. Please tell me you'll give this a chance.”

==>

Dave had agreed to meet John at the putt-putt course. It was a stupid plan, because there was no reason for them to drive separately when they were both going to end up at the Strider's house afterward. But John had insisted that it would be more timely for them to meet at Nitram's Putt-Putt after he had stopped home to collect some of his things. Dave still felt just a tad wounded that John had so quickly jumped on Jake's cock, but he was convinced a fun, flirty date with the man he loved would cheer him up.

Dave couldn't help the little grin that slid onto his face when he saw John approaching. At least John was his boyfriend now. Jake could suck it.

“Hey, Dave, guess what,” John asked jubilantly, stopping so he was standing toe-to-toe with Dave and placing his hands on Dave's hips.

“My dad has invited you over for dinner the day after tomorrow. He wants to meet you. As my boyfriend,” John told Dave. He was speaking quickly, as if worried about how Dave would react, and he finished his announcement by leaning forward to kiss Dave.

Kissing John was definitely one of the most awesome things in the world, but Dave would not be distracted. He quickly pulled his head back, smirking as John whined and tried to follow him with his mouth.

“John, your dad has already met me,” Dave pointed out.

“Yeah, exactly, so it's no big deal,” John practically shouted, a huge, fake smile plastered on his face.

Dave laughed a little in spite of himself. How could one man be so adorable? There was no question in his mind why it was John Egbert he had fallen hopelessly in love with.

“How's your bro doing?” John asked, blatantly changing the subject.

Still grinning, Dave shook his head. “He's a disaster. I've never seen him in a worse state. Right now he's drunk on something questionable Roxy gave him and hooking up with this obnoxious homophobic waiter who called with a disgusting faggot the last time he saw me.”

John squinted in confusion. “If he's a homophobe, why's he hooking up with your brother?”

Dave shoved John is the shoulder, smile growing. “Come on, Egbert, I shouldn't have to explain this to you.”

John laughed, cheeks coloring in embarrassment. Damn, he was precious. “I guess at least that means he'll probably be gone by the time we get home.”

Dave grimaced and looked down at John's sneakers. “Yeah, I'm sorry but with this guy, I don't know.”

John rolled his eyes. “We need to get your brother a new boyfriend. Or girlfriend.”

“Naw, I don't think he should be rushing himself into something after spending so long hung up on a douche like Jake. He's gonna idealize Jake, and no one is going to end up compared favorably to him. Even if he's with someone else, he'll spend every night laying in bed and wondering how he could have done things differently and hating himself for fucking everything up so royally, even though it wasn't at all his fault,” Dave explained. John was giving him a strange look. Dave gulped. “At least, that's what I would do if it were you and me in their place.”

“Well, aside from our fantastic tastes in movies, Jake and I are nothing alike, so I doubt we're going to find ourselves in the same situation,” John replied earnestly.

Yeah, that was true. Dave kissed John, savoring the feel of his lips and saliva. He was really lucky. Luckier than his brother. When they pulled apart, Dave slid his arm around John's waist and gestured to the small, rustic building around this.

“Is this place 90's enough for you?” Dave asked.

“I used to come here when I was a kid. They had an awesome arcade,” John said, looking around excitedly.

Dave tried his best to hide his proud smirk. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bluh


	22. Chapter 22

Dirk felt nauseous. Everything was still a bit hazy. He didn't think he'd had enough of Roxy's mystery break-up concoction to make himself sick. He brought his fist up to his mouth, hoping he could hold his vomit in long enough to get to the bathroom. He knew he wasn't going to be cleaning up puke right now.

As he began to sit up, Caliborn grabbed his arm. “Where are you going?” he asked in a surprisingly gentle version of his usual gruff, low voice.

“I'm going to... I'm gonna...” The were a burp before Dirk barfed onto the carpet next to the bed. After he had emptied the contents of his stomach onto his bedroom floor, he bring himself to care about the puke now soiling his carpet. It just felt good to get whatever storm had been brewing in his stomach out of his system.

Caliborn draped his dark arms over Dirk's shoulders and used the blanket to dab Dirk's mouth. There was a peck on Dirk's cheek before he heard the low rumble of Caliborn's voice, “You should. Lay back down.”

“Aren't you gonna go on about how dirty being gay is,” Dirk grumbled, voice still slurring. He rubbed his eyes. “You've only mentioned it like every fucking time you opened your mouth.”

Caliborn snickered. “Yes. I love it when you get. Confrontational. Keep doing that,” he purred, continuing his tendency to pause his sentences in odd places. He began massaging Dirk's shoulders, his breath heavy on the side of Dirk's face. “It's filthy. How tenderly I'm caring for you. Like some fucking. Faggot.”

“Yeah, you're breaking all kinds of cultural taboos right now, buddy. What next, showing your ankles in public?” Dirk replied, voice dry. Caliborn snickered against his ear. He kissed Dirk's neck.

“Would you like me to. Prepare you some soup?” Caliborn asked, still kneading Dirk's shoulders with his fingers. Dirk had to admit it felt pretty fucking good. He didn't really want Caliborn to go anywhere. “It could be a gift. To you. For having sex with me.”

“Yeah, that's not a thing. Unless you think I'm a prostitute,” Dirk replied, sitting his hands on is thighs and closed his eyes, enjoying the back rub. Caliborn let out a startled laugh.

“Woah. Dude. Woah. Fuck. Ah-ha-ha. Once again I am fucking outclassed. By your vulgarity. I can't say I'm surprised,” Caliborn said. He let go of Dirk's shoulders and pulled Dirk's face gently towards him, initiating a sloppy kiss. Caliborn was seriously fucked up. Who wanted to tongue someone after they'd just puked their guts out? It was kind of sweet though, in a weird sort of way. Dirk turned his torso so he could kiss Caliborn a bit more thoroughly.

After a couple of minutes, Dirk heard two sets of eager footsteps hurrying up the stairs. “Sounds like my little brother's home with his boyfriend,” Dirk muttered against Caliborn's lips.

Caliborn pulled away from the kiss and scowled. “Why do you still reside. With such an awful pest.”

Dirk smirked and turned away from Caliborn once more, slouching down and burying his face his his hands. He rubbed his eyes again before answering.

“Dave's my bro. I gotta look out for him, y'know?” He was becoming progressively more aware of just how slurred his speech was, but he didn't really care enough to try to fix it. He was tempted to stay in his room, enjoying a drunken after-sex make-out session with Caliborn, but he knew he had to be a good brother and cock-block Dave. “I'm gonna go check on him. I'll be right back.”

Dirk began to stand, but Caliborn grabbed his arm again, long, thin fingers clinging tightly to Dirk's flesh. “As much as I appreciate. The thought of fucking with that douche. You should rest.”

“I would kind of like some soup,” Dirk said, allowing Caliborn to pull him backwards onto his bed. As Dirk laid back on the bed, Caliborn stared down at him, eyes quivering.

“Yes. I am the best at cooking soup. My soup. Will be your favorite soup,” Caliborn told Dirk, gently stroking his arm. “But you must earn your meal.”

Dirk let out a long, annoyed breath. “So throwing up isn't enough to earn your soup?”

Caliborn swallowed, his face intense and nervous. “You must give me. A kiss.”

“Just a kiss? Okay, one tepid symbol of affection coming right up.” Dirk began to sit up, but Caliborn shoved him roughly back down onto the mattress. Dirk glared at him, not really in the mood to put up with Caliborn's childish games anymore, seeing as he had already gotten laid. 

“It cannot be. Just any kiss,” Caliborn continued. His obnoxious, ever-present smirk was entirely gone, replaced with a serious and earnest expression. “It must be. Loving and -” Caliborn paused for a moment, closing his eyes as he bit his lip and visibly shuttered. “Romantic. Oh, fuck. I feel filthy just thinking about it. Romance. Between two men. Can you think of anything more twisted?”

“I don't know man, I think this might be outside my emotional capacity. Isn't it women that bring the romance to the relationship?” Dirk deadpanned. Caliborn looked crestfallen. He swallowed again and let out a hollow laugh.

“It appears that the winner in the game. Of gay chicken. Is me,” Caliborn declared, puffing up his chest and crossing his arms. “You weren't man enough, Dirk Strider, to rise to the challenge.”

“Guess not,” Dirk agreed, drumming his fingers on his stomach. “You gonna make me that soup?”

==>

Dave was so blissfully lost in his kiss with John when Dirk pounded on the door, that it took John both pulling away from him and lightly shaking him for him to become aware of the world around him once more. When he registered the knocking, Dave signed in defeat and rubbed his thumb against John's cheek before sliding off the bed to answer the door.

Ordinarily, he would have shouted at his brother to leave after ignoring him for as long as possible. But as much as Dirk irritated him, he was in a tough spot at moment. Dave wasn't going to put up with Dirk's cock-blocking once the sun had set, but right now he was willing to indulge his bro's bizarre neediness whenever it reared it's head. It was certainly better that Dirk bother Dave when he was feeling sad or lonely than it was for him to continue hooking up with the world's most awful people.

“What the fuck, Bro? I though you were macking on that douchey waiter.” Dave grumbled. He crossed his arms.

“Wow, even when you're getting laid you act like a complete brat. Where did I go wrong?” Dirk replied. He still appeared to be under the affects of Roxy's alcohol, his shoulders slumped and his hair completely unkempt. His shirt and shades were off and his baggy pajama pants hung low on his hips. Dave was going to skewer Dirk with a broken sword later if he was in this state of undress because he had the intention of hitting on John. Dirk was kind of unpredictable sometimes, and Dave had only seen him wear those pajama pants without boxers when he was trying to seduce someone.

“I'm making food, so if you two want a free meal you'd better get your asses down to the kitchen right now,” Dirk slurred, eyes drifting towards John. Dave leaned on the door frame, blocking his boyfriend from Dirk's view.

“Fine, we'll be right down. Why don't you go get dressed?” Dave muttered, shooting his brother a suspicious glare. 

Dirk gave a one-shoulder shrug. “I didn't feel like putting on more clothes.”

Dave nearly jumped when John's arm slid around his waist. When he turned his, John's chin was hovering over his shoulder.

“What are you making?” John asked. Dave noticed John's eyes cascading down Dirk's body. How had he not noticed this little slut was into men before? Was Dave only noticing now tbecause Jake had pointed out that John was into men other than Dave?

“Well, my douche of a guest was going to whip up some soup, but now he's being a brat, so I'm the one making soup,” Dirk babbled. “It will be mediocre at best. I need to know how much to make You in?”

“Put some boxers on,” Dave growled.

==>

John grinned gratefully at Dirk as he took the bowl of soup being offered to him. He was relieved to see that though Dirk had still not put his shades back on, he had changed into less revealing attire, now wearing a pair of sweatpants and a long, baggy t-shirt. It had been uncomfortable seeing his boyfriend's brother so scantly clad. They really needed to work on getting him sobered up and cheered up as quickly as possible. John wasn't sure he liked this new, drunk and pathetic Dirk.

When John slid into the seat next to Dave at the Striders' table, he nodded in greeting to curly-haired the man sitting across from them. He was loudly crunching an apple from the Strider fruit bowl. Dirk must have been pretty depressed if he wasn't maintaining the fruit bowl rule with non-Strider household regular.

Mouth still full of apple, the man turned towards the kitchen and called, “This apple. Is terrible. Do you have any sweets?” As he spoke, bits of apple innards spewed out of his mouth. John wrinkled his nose and smiled at Dave in amusement. Dave pushed up his shades long enough to roll his eyes. It was an incredibly endearing gesture, and John's grin grew as he leaned close to Dave. He brushed their noses together.

“You didn't used to show your eyes in public so much,” John teased. “You're turning into kind of an eye-whore.”

“I guess it's better than being a regular whore,” Dave commented coolly. John tilted his head.

“I guess,” he said.

Dave gulped and turned his head away from John.

“We don't keep pussy ass shit like candy in this house,” Dirk said as he entered the dinning room. The heavier slur in his voice could likely be attributed to the bottle of beer in his hand. Why had no one cut him off yet?

Anyway, that was a lie. The Striders often had sweets in their house. Dirk was just being a dick to this guy. John looked at the man again, taking in his button up shirt and long, dark lashes. This must have been the homophobe Dave had talked about. He was an attractive man, if a bit awkward. The man watched Dirk intently as he took a seat at the table with his beer and his soup.

The second the beer had left Dirk's hand to sit on the table, Dave swiped it away, sliding it next to John.

“You're not having anymore of this shit tonight, Bro. After your conquest goes home, you're eating an apple and heading to bed,” Dave announced as he picked up his spoon. Dirk rolled his eyes and tugged the fruit bowl towards himself.

As he rifled through the the fruit, he grumbled, “I'm the one who raised you, you don't need to be baby-sittin' me, Bro.”

John smiled as Dirk pulled an apple out of the now jumbled fruit bowl. He might have been verbally attempting to show himself as the man of the house, but he was still following Dave's instructions. John had never seen Dirk behave like this. He was always reminding Dave which Strider was in charge. It was kind of impressive to see him let Dave take care of him.

After sitting the apple next to his soup bowl, Dirk turned to the man next to him. “I think we have some Special Stardust cereal in the cabinet above the sink. You can put some in a cup if you want.”

As Caliborn got up eagerly to collect his sweets, the rest of the men began eating their soup.

“What is it with Striders and shades lately?” John observed between bites of soup. “It's like you're giving up on the concept entirely. I don't even know who you guys are anymore.”

“You don't know who we are anymore?” Dave scoffed. John turned to look at him, startled. “I didn't even know you were gay and now I'm starting to think you'll jump on any dude's cock that will give you the time of day.”

John narrowed his eyes. “What the fuck, Dave?”

“Yeah, Bro, seriously. Where is this bitchiness comin' from?” Dirk cut in. He stared expectantly at the pair, running his tongue over the bottom of his spoon.

There was the sound of shattering glass, and John jerked his head towards the kitchen. Dirk's guest had dropped a ceramic mug onto the hardwood floor, and there were now shards of broken glass and bits of cereal scattered across the floor. Rather acknowledging the mess, the man was gazing at Dirk, eyes wide. John turned tentatively towards Dirk in an attempt to see what had caught the guest off guard, but only saw Dirk sitting down his spoon as his eyes drifted to the ground. 

After a moment, Dirk's eyes snapped up to the guest's face, his expression unreadable. “Caliborn,” Dirk growled. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

Caliborn's eyes fluttered, mouth opening slightly. He gaped at Dirk, confused. “Why would you kick me out. After -” Caliborn's eyes flickered over to John and Dave and he shifted self-consciously. “After what we shared.”

“Yeah, we had a hook-up, and now it's over and you're breakin' my shit. Get out of my house,” Dirk warned, voice low.

John let his eyes fall back on the debris, trying to understand just what had set Dirk off. When John looked back up at Caliborn, he was smirking.

“This is a game, right? Some dirty game. To show how manly you are. In spite of your penchant. For intercourse with males,” Caliborn purred. John snorted. Who the fuck even talked like that?

“I'm not playing,” Dirk growled. “You break my shit, you get out of my house.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are people even still reading this? Because I don't know how to make it not suck anymore.


	23. Chapter 23

Aradia Megido was the daughter of the best friend of Jake's father. Jake had become friends with her through conversations of mutual disdain for their parents' obsession with work. Jake had never felt terribly close to her, but over the years they had occasionally contacted each other when frustrated with something particularly troubling about their respective families.

When Aradia opened the door to her apartment he took a moment observe her messy ponytail and pajamas before speaking.

“Aranea, I need to speak with you about something,” Jake began, tugging at his shirt collar and looking down at Aradia's moccasins.

Aradia chuckled. “You're getting bad at this womanizing if you can't even keep names straight anymore.”

Jake's eyes jolted back up to Aradia. “No, blast! I'm sorry. You two just have very similar names. Usually I'm trying to prevent myself from using yours when I'm with her,” Jake explained quickly. “Because I think you and I share a deeper connection than she and I did. After all, we've been sharing our problems with one another for all these years. I'm much closer than you than my exes.”

Aradia shook her head and pursed her lips. She gave Jake a sly look before replying, “Why, Jake, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were hitting on me.”

Jake let go of his collar and slid his hand around to rub the side of his neck. “Well, goodness, that's a bit presumptuous. But I would certainly be a very lucky man to date a girl like you. You and I, we could make a terrific couple. If that's what you want.”

“Jake,” Aradia put her hand up to silence him. “I'm engaged. I've been dating Equius for years now. You know that.”

“I wasn't suggesting we date!” Jake exclaimed. Although, that was a lie. He had been hoping dating was just where this conversation would lead. But he certainly couldn't let Aradia know that now. “I was just speaking of hypothetical possibilities based on the mutual trust formed between two good friends!”

“Jake, what's really going on with you?” Aradia asked. “Because as adorable as this is, it's pretty out of the blue. Let's be honest.”

Jake's shoulders slumped. “It's about Dirk.”

Aradia invited Jake in, and he explained to her what had happened. He told her the tales of Dave's heinous ploys and Dirk's abandonment. To Jake's astonishment, rather than bemoaning Dave and Dirk's behavior, Aradia concluded that Jake needed to work on making amends with Dirk.

“I don't think this friendship has to be ruined,” Aradia reasoned. “You two might need some time apart, but perhaps you should work on showing him, in small ways, that you'd like to patch up the relationship eventually. It seems fairly clear from what you've told me that that's what you really want.”

==>

Roxy grinned up at the bells ringing to announce her entrance into the shop. She hated those bells a lot less when she wasn't hung over. She had downed a bit of alcohol this morning, knowing she'd need to continue cleaning up the debris from Dirk's break-up. She had decided to surprise the Strider boys with a box of cupcakes, stopping at her favorite bakery on Main Street. 

Roxy winked at a familiar tiny brunette behind the cash register as she approached. Sitting her arm on the counter and leaning in close to the cashier, Roxy used her head to gesture to a man surveying the shops array of decorative cakes.

“Who's the cutie doin' the cake shoppin'?” Roxy asked, drumming her pink fingernails on the checkered counter.

The cashier wrinkled her nose. “Oh, gross, Ro,” she hissed in a whisper. “He's, like, fifty.”

Roxy giggled and tossed her head, flipping her bangs out of her eyes before glancing at the girl's name tag. Roxy could never remember the cashier's name, even as often as she saw her. Which was probably because her name was Jane. Such a cute girl deserved a less boring name. “Yeah, but he's still got it,” Roxy joked. “And you're into the older gentlemen, aren't ya?” Jane huffed and scratched her ear in embarrassment.

“Why don't you just order some baked goods and go flirt with Mr. Egbert,” Jane told Roxy, cheeks pink and eyes on the register. Roxy lifted her free hand to bop Jane on her adorable little nose.

“What's wrong, Janey?” Roxy asked, tilting her head as she pulled her hand away. “You're being all pouty today. You know I'm just joking with ya, right? I mean, not joking that the guy's a catch, but joking with ya about your taste for mustached men.”

Jane snorted, a smirk forming on her lips as she continued to keep her eyes on the register. She started picking at the crease at the edge of the counter. “I don't think you understand what joking means. Or you just have an undeveloped sense of humor. You're drunk, aren't you?”

Roxy reached into her bag and fished out a flack, dangling it in front of Jane. “Correction, I'm drinking.”

Jane laughed shoved the flask out of her face, finally making eye contact with Roxy. Jane simply stared at Roxy for a moment, biting her lip as he blue eyes lingered in Roxy's.

Jane opened her mouth, freeing her lower lip, and gulped. “I got dumped recently,” she said, breaking the silence.

“Oh, Janey, that's so awful,” Roxy replied, giving Jane her best sympathetic voice and expresssion. The truth was, as sad as it was to see Jane upset, it was hard for Roxy to share too much of the despair. Roxy had been crushing on Jane, the adorkable baker, for a couple of months now. She didn't think she'd ever have even a sliver of a chance.

Before Roxy could say anymore, the bells on the front door jingled, and Jane leaned to glance around Roxy at the incoming costumer. When she did, her eyes widened. She quickly hid herself behind Roxy again, frantically fixing her bangs. Perplexed, Roxy turned towards the door to see who it was that had panicked Jane.

Jake English was not who she had been expecting to see. He was pointedly ignoring the sales counter, instead making a b-line for the handsome older man scoping out the cakes. A girl with bushy brown hair and a floor-length red skirt had followed him in, but was opting to linger next to the door with an amused smile.

“Mr. Egbert,” Jake declared once he was standing directly behind his target, his back straight and his chin high. When Mr. Egbert turned around, Jake continued. “I'm here to talk about your son.”

Roxy glanced at Jane, who looked stricken. “How do you know him?” Roxy asked in what she had intended to be a whisper. Having been a bit too caught up in the drama of the situation, she ended up speaking louder than intended. Jane gulped and opened her mouth to speak, but Jake beat her to the punch.

“Roxy?” he gasped, losing his decidedly intimidating stance slightly. “Frig, what in the dickens are you doing here?”

Roxy flashed him a smile. “I'm just buyin' myself and my buddies some cupcakes, Jakey. You want me to get you one?”

Jake's face softened for a moment before he forced his expression back into one of intensity. “No, I won't be distracted. I'm here because I have something I need to say to this gentlemen.” Jake gestured to Mr. Egbert, who crossed his arms and tilted his head.

“And what's that?” Mr. Egbert asked. “How did you even know I would be here?”

“I...” Jake's gaze lowered, his jaw shifting. “I wasn't planing on talking to you. But I saw you in here and I had an epiphany.”

“It's true,” the girl waiting by the door piped up. “We were supposed to be heading to Radio Shack.”

“But what a waste of time that would have been!” Jake exclaimed. “I can't keep playing to Strider's whims! Mr. Egbert, I would like to date your son. He may be acting a bit standoffish about the whole ordeal, but it is simply a result of him being corrupt by that insane troublemonger, Dave Strider.”

“You'd like to date my son.” Mr. Egbert's response was slow and thoughtful as he looked Jake English up and down. “What is it about Dave Strider that makes him such a 'troublemonger', as you call it?”

“Yeah, Jake, be fair,” Roxy cut in. Jake's head snapped towards her. “Dave's a good kid. He's too much of a recluse to be causing anybody much trouble.” Roxy gave Mr. Egbert a wave. “Are you John's dad?”

Mr. Egbert nodded proudly. “You know him?”

“Not really, but I've heard good things about him. If he's got a Strider hooked he must be a pretty special guy. Those boys a super picky,” Roxy explained with a wink. “Even Dirk's got good things to say about him, so he must be doin' somethin' right.”

Mr. Egbert turned back to Jake. “You've dated my son before. How did you know he was interested in men?”

Jake squinted in confusion. “I just asked the bloke out and he agreed.”

“So, I'm guessing this is the 'bloke' you dumped everyone for?” Jake's friend called from the door. Out of the corner of her eye, Roxy noticed Jane slipping away from the register towards the back of the shop.

“John Egbert,” Jake answered, voice firm as he looked between his friend and Mr. Egbert. “Is an incredible man that deserves better than a hooligan like Dave Strider.”

“Look, Mr. English, I think you're a decent guy,” Mr. Egbert began. “I was thrilled to see that my son had begun a friendship with a man like you. But I'm more than a little uncomfortable with the fact that you dated him behind my back.” Mr. Egbert looked around the room, pointedly making eye-contact with each person present. Which the exception of Jane, of course, who was pretending to be busy frosting cupcakes while clearly carefully listening to the exchange. 

“Did all of you know about this?” Mr. Egbert asked. “Am I the last to know my son has been dating men?”

Roxy brushed her bangs out of her face. “Hey-y, don't be bummed, Mr. Egbert. At least he told you, right? That shows a lot of trust, don't ya think?”

Mr. Egbert's face softened. He gave Roxy a pained smile. “I just keep thinking, is this whole thing my fault? Was it because I was too critical of the girls he dated? Did the lack of a female role model make him not see the need for a woman in his life? Did not having a mother damage his perception of a household?”

Roxy snorted. “I'm pretty sure he woulda been gay regardless of whether or not he had a mom,” she informed him.

“It sounds like you raised him pretty well if he felt like he could talk to you about it,” Jake's chipper companion piped up.

“I didn't even know you weren't aware your son was a homosexual,” Jake muttered, looking alarmed. “Blimey, I assumed that you would be aware that a man coming to pick up your son would be there with the interest of dating him.”

Mr. Egbert was silent for a moment, his brows knit thoughtfully. “How long have you all known?”

There was an awkward silence. How could anyone answer that? Roxy knew when Dirk told her John had started seeing a guy. It had never seemed like a big deal. But for this was clearly a hang-up for Mr. Egbert. He felt as though he had been left out of the loop. When no one answered his question, Mr. Egbert turned back towards the cake.

“I usually make Betty Crocker cake for special events. But if I'm going to meet John's boyfriend and help him figure this whole this out, I figured I should get him a cake he'd really like,” Mr. Egbert explained. The room was tense, even in her inebriated state Roxy could sense the heavy weight in the air. “John's been sick of Betty Crocker for several years now.”

“You're giving him a chance,” Roxy commented, smiling. Mr. Egbert kept his eyes on the cakes and nodded.

“I am,” Mr. Egbert said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be honest. If this chapter is sloppy and doesn't flow well, let me know and I'll rewrite it.


	24. Chapter 24

==>

“John, I wasn't expecting to see you home.”

When John spotted his father in the mirror, he pulled the blue toothbrush out of his mouth and spit into the sink before turning to face him.

“Thought you were planning to stay with the Striders last night,” Mr. Egbert continued.

John ran his tongue over his top row of teeth and glanced at the bathtub before answering his father.

“Dave and I had a fight. You were right, Striders suck,” John nonchalantly informed his father before stuffing the toothbrush back into his mouth. Avoiding eye contract with his dad, he let his eyes drift back to the sink as he scrubbed the bristles over his teeth.

John felt a hand on his shoulder as he spit another mouthful of toothpaste into the sink. He lifted his gaze to the mirror and found his father looking down at him in concern.

“What happened, son? Did you two break up?” Mr. Egbert asked, voice gentle.

John scrunched his lips to the side and began to rinse off his toothbrush. “No. Well, I don't know. He didn't say much. He thinks I'm a whore. So, I got really mad and stormed out.”

John had paced around Dave's neighborhood for hours last night, heart racing as his mind replayed the conversation that had led to Dave revealing how he really felt about John. He had tried to sit down in the park to calm himself down, but sitting only allowed the tormenting reality of the situation to settle. It was if by briskly walking he could evade his panic, the action of moving quickly preventing him from focusing too much on anything specific thread of thought. 

When he was walking, he only felt the emotions. The anger at Dave for assuming John only cared about sex. The sense of betrayal at the knowledge that Dave should have known John so much better than that. The panic that stemmed from the realization that he had not only lost his first boyfriend, but he had also lost his closest friend.

When he sat down, his mind began to rake through the issues more meticulously. He could have avoided this if he had just turned down sleeping with Jake. But Dave was a best friend, and should have known that what John had always wanted more than anything else was to have a family so he could be a dad. He wasn't a whore. Dave knew he wasn't a whore. But it had been dumb to sleep with Jake, hadn't it?

And this completely changed the way Dave looked at him, didn't it? John had ruined Dave's perception of him. Their friendship was permanently marred, and any hope of them someday getting married and adopting a beautiful, blonde daughter who looked like a mini, female version of Dave was entirely dashed.

Close to hyperventilating, John had quickly risen from the bench and went back to his frantic pacing. He wasn't sure what time it was when he finally drove back to his house. It wasn't as if he could check his cell phone, he had forgotten it at the Striders' house. It was probably good that the Striders had his phone. He didn't want to be tempted to answer calls or texts from them right now. He wondered if Dave was even trying to get a hold of him. He had no idea where things stood between them, but after some harsh, biting words had been exchanged, John had decided he couldn't stand the sniping any longer.

When John had laid down in his bed, he had squeezed his eyes shut and tried to will himself into slumber as another tactic of avoiding the negative flood of emotions and memories. Memories of Dave accusing John of lusting after Dirk and only dating Dave and Jake out of convenience.

John had stayed in bed the entire morning. Each time he had awoken, he had become aware once more of the soreness and pain last night had caused. But he didn't feel the emotions with the same intensity. Rather than feeling angry and panicked, he felt drained and depressed. He forced himself back to sleep many times throughout the morning to avoid facing the heavy feelings weighing on him.

And now that he was awake, he was having to deal with another issue entirely. He really hoped his dad wouldn't decide now was the best time to quiz him on his sexuality, now that Dave was possibly out of the picture. But that was probably too tall an order. 

John's dad rubbed his thumb against his son's back. “Are you sure he really meant it? Dave does have a strange sense of humor,” Mr. Egbert offered. John's dad had never understood Strider irony. He had, in fact, on multiple occasions, insisted that John encourage the Striders to read a book or two from the Egbert family joke book collection in an attempt to mature what he saw as in underdeveloped sense of humor in the Striders.

John turned off the water and straightened, tapping his toothbrush against the edge of the sink to knock off the water trapped in the bristles. “He wasn't joking dad. I would have known if he was joking.” John took a deep breath and turned around, finally looking his dad face to face. “Didn't you notice my car here this morning?”

“I assumed you had brought it home last night. You mentioned Dave being annoyed about you boys taking two separate rides to your date,” John's dad explained.

John nodded sadly. “Yeah. He was annoyed about that.”

“Well, what do you from breakfast?” Mr. Egbert asked, a smile flickering onto his face. John smiled weakly. Even with everything as unresolved as it was, John was silly to have thought his father would break the Egbert family tradition of brushing off problems with the help of baked goods.

==>

Jake and Aradia were sitting on a fallen tree truck next to the river. Aradia had a stack of pebbles sitting next to her and skipped the occasional stone across the clear, smooth surface of the water.

They both watched the pebbles dance over the river in silence for a while before Aradia brought them back to the problems at hand.

“Why do you keep going after John?” Aradia asked. She picked up another smooth stone and ran her fingers over it.

Jake stared forward at the water, scraping his boots against the moist ground below him. “I love him,” Jake whispered.

“No, you don't,” Aradia replied in far to chipper a tone. “You want to love him. You want to have some handsome man to fight for so you don't have to think about what's really bothering you right now. You always set yourself on some kind of grand mission to avoid dealing with things you don't want to deal with.”

Jake huffed and turned to Aradia, livid. It didn't help his frustration that she met his irritated scowl with a serene smile. “You don't understand my predicament at all! I found the perfect man, and the Striders have done nothing but work diligently to keep us apart.”

“You can live without John,” Aradia said, turning back towards the water and skipping her stone over the river. “But you told me you couldn't live without Dirk. So, let's forget about your crush on John for the moment and work on getting your best friend back.”

Jake's shoulders slumped. She was right. He was just afraid of dealing with Dirk right now. He simultaneously wanted to smash Dirk's teeth in and to fuck Dirk until they had both gotten all their negative emotions out. Either way, he wanted a tussle. He had a lot of emotions to express. Emotions he sure as fuck would never be able to vocalize.

“You could just go to his house and apologize,” Aradia suggested, shrugging her shoulders.

“I have nothing to apologize for, Aradia,” Jake scoffed, crossing his thick arms.

Aradia bumped her shoulder against his, grin far wider than the situation merited. “Come on, Jake. Even if that's true sometimes you have to pretend to be the one at fault for the sake of the relationship. How much does Dirk's friendship mean to you?”

==>

Dirk was sprawled out on the couch, watching TV with a half-eaten box of cupcakes set in front of him, when Jake bolted into his living room. Jake had decided not to knock, expecting to find Dirk screwing around with Roxy. It would have given him a good reason to start shouting. But as it was, Dirk simply looked pathetic. His hair was completely unstyled, he didn't have his sunglasses on, and he was wearing his least attract sleeping attire. Jake knew Dirk's wardrobe pretty well, considering the many nights he had spent at the Strider house. And he was vastly under dressed.

When Dirk's eyes snapped up to spot Jake, an expression flashed across his face that was more vulnerable than any face Jake had ever seen Dirk wear. It quickly hardened, and before Jake could register the change, Dirk was lifting himself off the couch, eyes narrowed.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Jake?” Dirk asked, his voice low, but smooth.

“Where's your girlfriend? In the bathroom? I'm surprised you're not bonking her right now. You only have her knickers to focus on right now, so why aren't you giving her your full attention, douche prince?” Jake snarled, eyes darting around for any sign of Dirk's slutty girlfriend. “Bet she needed the freshen up after whoring around with all the gentlemen she undoubtedly has on the side.”

Dirk approached slowly, hands clenched into tight fists. “Roxy isn't a whore, Jake. That's a pretty rich insult coming from you.”

The closed-mouth sigh that Jake released came out sounding almost like a growl. He locked eyes with Dirk as his ex shoved his face into Jake's, his uncovered, glaring, orange eyes inches away from Jake's.

“You feel like you need to defend that skank's honor?” Jake spat. He could feel Dirk's breath against his face. The intensity of the moment was strangely erotic. Jake could feel his pulse quickening. His rage rising. His mouth salivating. He noted how dry his lips seemed in contrast to his mouth. He licked his lips.

“Stop calling her names,” Dirk demanded. Jake loved the piercing glower in Dirk's eyes. Jake panted as he stole a glance at the deep frown etched on Dirk's beautiful lips. Dirk Strider was, quite possibly, the hottest man alive. So, Jake took the only reasonable course of action. He did what any sane man would have done, really.

He grabbed Dirk's face and kissed him.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John doesn't like Con Air anymore. All my fics are ruined. haha

Striders had standards. Striders didn't make out with people who shattered their hearts. Striders didn't let hands that had been used to slug them peel off their clothes and grope their crotch. Dirk shouldn't have been letting this happen. But it was Jake.

Dirk still had a bruise on his face from where Jake had hit him. When Jake's thumb ran across it, Dirk winced, which only prompted Jake to press down harder on the tender skin, sinking his thumb into Dirk's cheek. Dirk knew, of course, that Jake was a man who didn't mind even his make-out sessions getting a bit rough. But right now he was hurting Dirk just to be an asshole. Dirk broke away from the kiss, tugging Jake's shirt up.

“We should go to my room,” Dirk muttered. “So Dave doesn't see us and hate me.”

Dirk didn't need two Striders hating him. He knew that sleeping with Jake would inevitably lead to self-loathing. Dave screaming at him for something he already knew he was going to regret wasn't an inconvenience he felt like dealing with. He didn't need more judgment heaped on him for his obviou weakness to the douchebag that had just insulted his best friend.

“By that do you mean Roxy?” Jake grumbled as Dirk pulled Jake's shirt over his lifted arms. Dirk scowled at Jake and pelted the shirt at the floor.

“Roxy and I aren't even dating,” Dirk snarled back. He pulled Jake into another kiss, too annoyed to continue yelling at him. Making out and groping seemed preferable to fighting right now. He had thought he would never be able to kiss Jake again. He'd take the opportunity, even under the present questionable circumstances.

Jake shoved his finger even deeper into the bruise on Dirk's cheek before biting down on his lip and pulling at it with his teeth. When he let go, his expression was dark. “You think I'm such a fool, Strider. I'm not blind.”

“I'm not lying to you, English,” Dirk growled through clenched teeth. He resisted the urge to bring his hand up to rub the sore spot where Jake had bitten his mouth. “I didn't lie to you about how much of a jerk you were to all of your significant others either. You're wishy-washy, Jake. Fucking wishy-washy. You just play everyone. Aranea, me, Jane. We're just pawns in your perpetual self-esteem game.” He growled before adding, “Can we please go the fuck upstairs?”

Jake's eyes widened. To Dirk's surprise, he looked more hurt than angry. Dirk felt a ping of sympathy he really didn't want to feel sting in chest.

“Fuck you,” Jake whispered, backing up. He stretched his arm up to scratch the back of his head, looking around awkwardly. When his eyes wandered into the dining room, he spotted the mug that Dirk had been trying to piece back together. He dropped his arm and huffed.

“Is that my mug?” Jake asked, indignant.

“Yeah, Jake, it's the shitty mug you made,” Dirk scoffed back.

Jake turned around and walked into the dining room, fingering the ceramic shards. “How did it break?” he asked.

Frustrated, Dirk ran a hand through his hair and sighed heavily. “Are we going to do this or not?” he grumbled.

“Jiminy grasshoppers, Dirk. Just tell me what on earth happened to my mug!” Jake demanded.

“Who the fuck cares, Jake, we're not even together. Why should it matter what happened to your mug?” Dirk shouted. He needed to calm himself down and tell Jake to leave, but he was overwhelmed by a confusing muddle of emotions that he didn't know how to deal with. He just wanted to sleep with Jake. It was stupid and irrational, but he felt like shit and fucking Jake seemed like the best distraction on offer. Even just kissing Jake had been nice. He missed that. He was so embarrassingly weak. Dave could never know about this.

“What the fuck?” Dirk heard his younger brother croak from the stairway. He didn't want to turn around. Dirk straightened his back and crossed his arms.

“Jake, I think you should leave now,” Dirk said, willing his voice to remain even and stern. Jake's expression softened as he looked down at the ceramic fragment he had been fingering, picking it up.

“Dirk, I,” Jake clenched his fist around the shard, brows knit. “I got angry on the way over but I actually came to say -”

“If you don't get out of our house right now, I will stab you,” Dave hollered. He stormed brusquely towards them, stopping a few inches behind Dirk. “That's not an empty threat English, I'll kick your slutty ass.” It was cute that Dave thought that, but if he actually tried, Jake would beat him to a pulp.

“Tell your snooty brother to scam, Dirk,” Jake shouted.

“Don't tell me what to do in my own house,” Dave barked. “I'm pretty sure being banned from our house means you can't just barge in here and fuck my brother! Dirk, why is he even here?”

Ignoring Dave, Dirk reached down to grab Jake's shirt off the floor and stalked into the dinning room. “I'll walk you to the door.” Dirk didn't want Jake to leave. But there was no way he was going to let Dave see his resolve shatter. After Jake had snatched the shirt out of Dirk's hand and shot a glare at Dave, Dirk held out his hand.

“Give me that piece of the mug,” Dirk said when his gesture was met with a confused expression. 

“Why do you want it?” Jake huffed, indignant. “You smashed the mug already, you might as while let me have a bit of it before you kick me out on my arse.”

“I can't fix it if you smuggle that piece out,” Dirk told him, using his fingers to motion towards himself. Jake's Adam's apple bobbed on his neck, his eyes quivering. He locked eyes with Dirk.

“You're intending to fix it?” Jake asked.

Dirk was getting sucked back in. He didn't want to hook-up with men like Caliborn. He wanted to spend the night with Jake, no matter how much he might regret it later. No matter how much Roxy and Dave would hate him for it later. It was a horrible idea, after everything he had told Jake, but it was the only thing he wanted at the moment. He needed someone to snap him out of his Jake trance.

After a few charged moments of staring into Jake's green eyes, Dave pushed Dirk back, stepping between him and Jake. “You shouldn't even be here. Do we need to get a restraining order against your ass?”

“Dave, he's leaving. Just let me walk him out,” Dirk told his brother, sitting a hand on Dave's shoulder.

Dave whirled around, his menacing glare boring into Dirk. “How do I know you're not going to leave with him and fuck up this situation even more? Apparently most men have no self control around this asshole. They're just like, 'hey, look, it's the Jake train making it's hourly stop at douche station to pick up some unsuspecting ass to fuck and then treat like shit. I better hop on that ride before I miss my window of opportunity for getting completely fucked over.'”

“Dave, I've got this under control, and you're acting like a thirteen-year-old. Why don't you go drink a juice box, take a chill pill, and apologize to your boyfriend,” Dirk replied coolly. He knew bringing up John in a cool, condescending tone would set Dave off, but he figured that Dave kind of needed to redirect his anger. Jake was Dirk's problem, and Dave really needed to patch things up with John. It was annoying watching his brother throw away a near perfect relationship for such a petty reason while he himself clung to hope of repairing a dysfunctional mess with a man who had hurt him badly. He should have know better. Anyone above the age of sixteen should have known better than to dwell on a an ex like Jake.

“Oh, you want me to take a chill pill?” Dave roared, throwing his hands up and curling his fingers. “What about you? Getting smashed and fucking creepy waiters? I think you need to actually calm down for a while before you relapse on Jake English. If you're an adult, stop acting like you need a babysitter.”

“Oh, wow, Dave. That's clever. I wish I would say that statement could be rescued by irony. I feel like I should be giving you time out or sending you to bed without super for abusing cliches. Which, as you'll notice, is itself a more intelligently placed cliche,” Dirk said smoothly. “Why don't you just go up to your room and call John now? Because I'm pretty sure that's what Jake would do if he were in your shoes.”

Dave snarled. “That was a low blow,” he growled before shoving past Dirk to stomp back upstairs.

Dirk sighed and held out his hand again. Jake opened his palm slowly, dumping the poorly-glazed fragment into Dirk's extended hand.

Jake gulped. “What waiter did you sleep with?”

“It doesn't matter, Jake. It was stupid,” Dirk assured him, sitting the shard back on the table next to his bottle of glue. 

“Who was it?” Jake asked, voice noticeably louder than it had been moments earlier.

“Jake, someone really needs to teach you to mind your own business,” Dirk commented, forcing himself not to smirk. “You really need to leave now.”

Dirk grabbed Jake's arm and began to tug him towards the door. Using his weight advantage against Dirk after they were a few steps out of the dinning room, Jake stopped dead in his tracks.

“At least give me a name,” Jake demanded.

“Sorry, Jake. It has nothing to do with you,” Dirk answered, tugging on his arm. “Come on.”

“Dirk,” Jake's voice was gruff and commanding. “Look at me.” Dirk rolled his eyes and turned around. “I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Dirk asked hesitantly.

“Golly, I don't know, Dirk,” Jake huffed, scratching his head. “I suppose this whole mess is somehow my fault isn't it?”

Dirk scowled. “Seriously, Jake? You still don't see where you went wrong? You dumped me and wouldn't let me have my space, you went after my brother's boyfriend, and do I need to remind you about the years you spend leading me on just because you couldn't live without having an easily accessible fuck buddy?” he scoffed.

“I could live without the sex, Dirk! You were the one who couldn't!” Jake retorted. “You abandoned me when I was going through a lot just because you were pissy about not getting any lays from me.”

“That distortion of the truth is almost hilarious as it is incorrect. Jake, you clearly have still not worked out the real problem here,” Dirk responded, yanking on Jake's arm in another futile attempt to encourage him to move.

Jake tore his arm away from Dirk, gaze cold. “Well, then help me to work it out, Dirk.”

Dirk ran a hand through his messy hair, looking towards the stairs. “Jake, you're not someone who can just be told what you're doing wrong. You have to figure it out for yourself. Because you're stubborn.” Dirk sighed. “And that's great, Jake. It's great that you're stubborn. But it means we can't just talk this out.”

Jake gaped at Dirk. “You think I won't listen to what you tell me? Dirk, when I was a teenager, I trusted you with everything. If I messaged you for advice, I took what you told me as solid fact,” Jake explained.

“Yeah, when you were a teenager,” Dirk countered. “A innocent, isolated teenager who grew into a stubborn adult who thinks he knows and everything and can do no wrong.”

“Maybe I became that way because my best bro only teaches his friends lessons through passive-aggressive manipulation,” Jake snapped.

Dirk knew he was too manipulative for his own good. Roxy had been trying to school him in more direct approaches to problem solving for years. Dirk had carried over his puppeteer mindset into all aspects of life, and it had caused numerous problems in his relationships over the years. Dirk had been forced to come to the conclusion that he just didn't feel in control of his life unless he had a hand in everyone's life. But surely he couldn't be totally to blame for Jake's irrational paranoia. Could he?

It didn't matter. Jake already knew what was he had done. So that was a moot point.

“Jake, I already explained all of this to you and it was futile. You're still barging back in here, blaming me for problems you helped cause,” Dirk said. “I don't know what else you want me to do at this point.”

“Tell me what I have to do to stay friends with you,” Jake begged. 

Dirk pursed his lips and shook his head. “I already told you, I'm not sure if we can go back to being friends.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. When Dirk looked at Jake's face, Jake looked pensive.

“I'm going to talk to Feferi and build you another mug,” Jake said at last. “It'll be a spectacular improvement from the first one, and I'll just drop it off at your doorstep, you won't even have to speak to me.”

“What's the catch?” Dirk asked, eyebrow raised. 

“I'll give you space, but I'll implore you to not make it last forever,” Jake answered, voice shaking.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have more time to write now. I'm going to try to work out a better update schedule.

Dave lifted his head from where he had buried it in his pillow and glanced at the phone in his hand. He knew he should call John. As Rose had astutely observed many years earlier, Dave loved John. And she was reminding him frequently of this fact in their current text message conversation.

His phone buzzed with another text message from Rose, but he hit the button to ignore it. She was lecturing him. She was right to, but it was still irritating. Rose was always right about these types of situations, and Dave hated it.

She was right that if Dave really loved John, he should be more understanding about the fact that John was new to living as an out homosexual. She was right that it made sense that John would be easily distracted by attractive men and perhaps sexually over-eager, given that he had held back that part of himself for so long. Dave wasn't sure why he had even texted Rose, he had known she would tell him he was the one in the wrong. Maybe he wanted to be told he was wrong. He supposed on some level, he wanted to feel miserable. He had just chased away the man he had been in love with for years.

He reluctantly pulled his phone closer to his face and opened the new message from Rose. It said, “John has made errors too, of course. The sooner you two talk this out, the better.”

Dave sighed and rolled onto his back, holding his phone above him. Instead of texting Rose back, he flipped back through old messages from John. Dave wished he had noticed sooner that the flirtatious tone in which John often talked to him over instant messenger or text message with was more than simply that of a straight dude teasing his best friend. If he had, he and John could have been happily together before Jake had stolen John from under his nose.

Rose had said that maybe it was good that John had been with another guy before him. That way, if he and Dave stayed together for a long time, John wouldn't resent never having a chance to hook up with another guy. Rose was probably just saying that to make Dave less uncomfortable with the idea that John and Jake had been together. He knew John. John would have been perfectly happy to stay with one person his entire life. He wanted to get married and have kids. That was more important to him than having sexual experience.

He knew how Jake had gotten to John first. Jake was tenacious. He didn't always wait around to find out if people wanted him, he went after them. Dave didn't want to be anything like Jake, but maybe taking a page out of his book was exactly what he needed to patch up things with John. He was inclined to mope around and wait for John to instant message him, but he needed to do something drastic to prove he was a worthy boyfriend. Jake would simply march right over to John's house and start a brawl. Maybe Dave could march over to John's house with a bit more class to clear things up.

==>

Mr. Egbert, to his credit, barely reacted to finding Dave on his doorstep. Dave figured the man must have known about Dave and John's falling out, but he simply nodded in greeting to Dave and asked what he needed.

“I know John is probably livid,” Dave began, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I'm here to apologize?” The statement came out sounding more like a question than he had intended. It was intimidating standing in front of John's father. The man probably hated him.

Mr. Egbert nodded again. “I always had a better feeling about you than you brother.”

Dave gulped. “Yeah?”

Mr. Egbert stepped aside and used his head to gesture Dave into the house. Dave had no idea why Mr. Egbert had let him in with so little questioning. Even if John hadn't told his dad about their fight, it seemed like Mr. Egbert would want to interrogate Dave about his intentions with John. But he was just being allowed into the house without a second thought. Dave had to be missing something.

==>

John returned to his bedroom after a trip to the bathroom to find his door closed. He was positive he hasn't closed his bedroom door before he left. He never closed it when he was just making a quick trip to the bathroom. He wasn't an overly secretive teenage boy anymore. He had no reason to try to hide anything he was doing his bedroom from his dad. At least not during the daylight hours.

As he wrapped his fingers around the door knob, he could have sworn he heard his desk chair squeaking. Was his dad in there, planning to lecture him? He turned the knob and pushed open his bedroom door. He nearly shut it again and darted down the stairs when he found his desk chair occupied by Dave Strider. He took a couple of steps backwards, pulling the door with him, but before he could bolt, Dave began to speak.

“This would have been a lot more dramatic if I would have come straight up here and started spilling my guts to you. But for the sake of the Strider name, I'm glad I had a moment to sit here in your room and over think this train wreck of a situation,” Dave started.

John froze, fingers tightening on the door knob as his eyes lowered to the ground.

“Dirk fucked up his life because he's always playing these lame mind games instead of just telling people how he really feels and what he really wants. So I'm going to calmly and rationally tell you how I feel,” Dave said. His voice was already shaking, betraying his declaration. “Look, John, you're loyal. You didn't always give my raps and mixes a listen, but you kept being my friend even when I forced them on you. And I know you're not a slut. When you were thirteen you were having way more fatherhood fantasies than any kid that age should have reasonably been having. And I know that's still what you want. To have a family. To be a dad. But I need to know,” his voice was cracking. 

John couldn't help but to lift his gaze to see if Dave was crying. Of course, when his eyes met Dave's face, all he saw was quivering lips and the dark shades John had given Dave for his thirteenth birthday. Dave had never stopped wearing them since that day, and had obsessively protected them from damage. It was kind of stupid.

“I need to know if you want that with me. And if you do, which would be pretty much the best development ever, then we need to talk about what happened with you and Jake,” Dave explained.

John let go of the door handle and scratched his neck. “You're already talking about marriage? We just started dating after an awkward hook-up and now we're already having our first big fight.”

Dave drummed his hands on his thighs. “But that's kind of what's so awesome about us, Egbert. We've been bros for years. This isn't our first fight, and it won't be our last. We just need to work on not being Dirk and Jake.”

“Dating someone is different than being best bros with someone,” John pointed out hesitantly.

“You're right. We gotta be more honest,” Dave replied, matter-of-fact. “I love you, John Egbert. I've loved you for years and I should have said it sooner. And I fucking hated Vriska. Even though I acted like I supported that relationship I actually wanted to stab her with a shitty sword or eight. You deserved much better.”

Despite attempting to continue to reserve a bit of contempt against Dave, John snorted in amusement. “So who deserves me more than the spider bitch, Dave?” John asked, bringing back the nickname he had once walked in on Dave and Dirk using to knock Vriska.

Dave stood and adjusted his t-shirt. “I don't know if I deserve you at all, John. But I'm sorry I called you a whore.”

John felt like he needed to make Dave suffer. Like he should hold the mistake over Dave's head in punishment. Or like he needed to prank Dave somehow as revenge. But the truth was, he didn't want to drag this fight out for longer than it had to be. He wanted to cuddle with Dave again, to kiss Dave again, to fuck Dave again. And the longer he drew this argument out, the longer he was preventing himself from seeing his boyfriend's dick again. Maybe that was how happy couples did it. They avoided arguments on threat of losing sex.

“I guess I can let it go.” John shrugged, showing Dave his infinite mercy.

“I just want to know why you were so quick to sleep with Jake,” Dave asked. John suddenly wished he had punished Dave after all. It seemed he wasn't actually remorseful for anything other than his word choice.

“Dave, we talked about this. I'm twenty-five and I had never had sex with anyone,” John huffed, glaring at his boyfriend. “I had never allowed myself to think I could be with another guy until recently. And then Jake was there, and he was into me. Can you really blame me, Dave? I had worked up all that courage to make a move on you and I got shot down. I was happy to have another shot with someone else.”

“Yeah, my bro's boyfriend,” Dave scoffed, crossing his arms.

“I didn't know he was your bro's boyfriend, Dave!” John exclaimed, exasperated. “But can we just forget about that?”

“Okay, John, look. If you want to go out into the world and experience being a little twink who will one day grow into a full-fledged homo by way of lots of sex and strip clubs, that's something I need to know right now.” Dave's voice was cracking again. John shouldn't have felt as much pity for him as he did. “Because I'm already as developed a homo as they come and I'm ready for something serious. So, if you-”

“Dave,” John cut in. “I don't want any of that weird Dirk Strider brand of gay life. Sleeping with Jake was a stupid mistake I made because I was hurt by the thought that you didn't want to date me. If you're going to hold that over my head for the rest of the relationship, than this isn't going to work.”

Dave was silent for a moment, simply gazing mysteriously at John from behind his shades. “Maybe we should have gone a lot slower,” Dave whispered at last. “We rushed into things too quickly after you dumped Jake. Heck, you really should probably be getting yourself tested after hooking up with someone like Jake.”

“I had wanted to sleep with you for a long time,” John murmured in response, glancing towards his bedroom window. “Can you blame me for being excited?”

“No, I was over-eager too.” Dave finally slipped off his shades and set them on John's desk. His eyes were pink. He really had been crying. John felt his heart swell with sympathy he still wasn't positive Dave deserved. 

John pushed the door out of his way and walked towards Dave. “Does this mean we're not going to have sex right now?”

Dave smirked. “We're probably going to have to hold of sex for a little while, John. I'm thinking we might have to wait until after all your STD test results have come in.”

When John was toe-to-toe with Dave, he brushed their noses together. “Can we at least make out,” he asked, attempting to make his eyes as seductive as possible.

“I don't know,” Dave whispered against his lips. “We've only been on one date. I'm no whore, Egbert.”

John would have playfully punched him, but he didn't want to break the kiss that Dave initiated.


	27. I'm So Sorry

Wow, it'd been over a year... I don't think I'm going to finish this. I'm really sorry. I haven't read Homestuck in forever, I'm not up to date, and I've run out of steam for this fic. I assume you guys figured this was the case. I'm really sorry. :( I hope you enjoyed what was written~


	28. Motherfuckin Miracles

Yes, I'm alive. And actually kind of interested in finishing this 5 years later if anyone is interest?


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